You are in the thick of it. This s--ks and there's really no way around it. You get through it, and you find yourself to be a different person afterwards--a stronger person. Not that I would wish the experience on anyone else, but I do feel I became a pretty bad-ss mom/woman after running this gauntlet.
You aren't dealing with a rational adult. Don't expect him to respond as a rational adult.
Speak up. There was one point at our last divorce hearing... I had fired my attorney because I couldn't afford to keep him. I was sitting with Matt and his attorney in this teeny, dismal room. His attorney was explaining the tax situation and how we would take turns on claiming our daughter. I remember thinking, "This man hasn't seen his daughter in more than a year. He abandoned us. Why does he get to claim her at all?"
I KNOW now that it is protocol and a formula and there's nothing I could have done about the dependent claim. However, I actually regret not saying anything, not asking the question. I think it would have been cathartic for me to put that out there... This isn't fair. But, I kept my mouth shut and I think about it from time-to-time.
There are no stupid questions. Ask, ask, ask, put your thoughts and feelings out there, so that you don't carry the burden afterwards. It may not make a dam- bit of difference in the end, but stand up for what you know is right.
When my attorney filed, he filed using Abandonment and Abuse. That, in itself, gave me some peace-of-mind... it was the truth. The truth was put out there for everyone to see.
Take really good care of yourself right now. Maybe one act of selfcare daily that has nothing to do with the boys?
You will get to the other side. Tick off those boxes of what you absolutely have to get--then push it through. So much of this is formulaic---if you sense he won't live up to his half of the 50-50--let him have his way. The boys are old, or nearly enough, they can decide to avoid him if they choose. Unless, CA has some sort of mandatory visitation.
Let's say he gets 50-50 and you find it's too much for the boys, given their dad's current insanity. I'm thinking you could let the court know that the boys are struggling, backed up by a therapist's thoughts... just document, document, document when it comes to the boys. So, you can back up whatever is best for them. I took snapshots of all my text messages from Matt for a year. I took every post from this forum and saved it, so I could go back and revisit the crazy and details I may have forgotten--in case I needed to protect the girls.
Hang in there... go get a massage.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
