Well he doesn’t beat me. He has a hair trigger. If I ask him for support, which happens I would say on average once every six to eight weeks (I keep a journal). Most of the time they are little things like I had a really tough day and I am rattled (happened once in the last 4 months) or a big thing like my dog was dying and I was shaken and wanted some comfort.
If I am vulnerable he lashes out. It enrages him. He screams at me I can’t be there for you. He will start to belittle the relationship - you are never satisfied, I am giving all of the time, the more I give the more you need. Then it turns to me - you are pathetic, you could never make it without me. On it goes, anger, contempt vitriol. I will try to reason with him. I might say: “that’s not true, you have been there for me many times, I just need a little affection right now. I know you care about me, I am sorry but I am hurting and I just need some comfort.
Reasoning enrages him further. Then he will tell me he can’t be with me, that he never wants to speak to me again. That it is over. He will scream until he loses his voice.
I remain calm, but bargaining and reasoning for a long time, finally I break down. I cry. I plead and beg. I try to convince him that he is triggered, that his reaction is out of proportion. That this is not just about me. That it is also something from his past and that we are fine. I tell him whatever I need to to get him to stop and cool down.
Sometimes if he really completely loses it he becomes calm, and loving. He curls up in my arms and falls asleep. Mostly he just stays angry, seething under the surface, for days and sometimes a week or more.
Whatever I support I needed is long gone. I am left shaken and worthless.
