Hey there. Decided to check back in. I need to step away from the boards sometimes.
Things have been up and down. Generally I am able to keep from R talks and no pressure, but then something happens and my resolve slips.
About a month ago I had a slip up and snooped her phone. I had a weird feeling about her interactions with one of my son's friends dads. I found some texts between them that were inappropriate. He was the one sending the inappropriate stuff, but she didn't tell him to stop and seemed to enjoy it. To clarify, I did not think that they were messing around, but inappropriate is inappropriate and she claims to be "working" on things. This man is married and W is friends with his W.
I confronted her about it and she said that there was nothing between them. She then got really mad that I looked at her phone and said that she had thought things were getting better but she guessed not. She changed the PIN on her phone and then changed the password on my cell phone account. I did not realize this right away, but I saw my daughter try to play on her phone days later and she was unable to get in it due to the new PIN code. I attempted to log in to the cell phone account days later to check the bill and realized the password was different. I decided to just leave it that way and not discuss it.
That was a month ago, and over the weeks things seemed to smooth out again. I just continued trying to detach and not pressure anything. Then, a little over a week ago, she left to go to yoga around lunch time while I stayed home with our son who was sick. She also planned on going out in the evening with a girlfriend to see a band play. There wasn't a discussion, but I decided to go do my own thing once she got back from yoga. After about 3 hours, I called her to see how long she would be so that I could figure out my plans. She did not answer. She finally came home around 7:30...she was gone for 7 hours. I was very angry. She had only been hanging out with her brothers, but she didn't tell me she would be gone all day and then come home and leave again. At that point I left and she had to stay home to care for our son. My argument to her was that if she was so unhappy that she couldn't stay married then she needed to leave...but if she was going to stay that she needed to treat me with respect and be equal with me. She needed to give me the same space as she was requiring.
After a few days, things smoothed out again. Last Friday she had lunch with her brother and he advised her to not lead me on if she had no intentions of staying or had already checked out. That is wasn't fair to me to act like she was working things out if that isn't what she was doing. She came home and initiated a talk in that regard. She didn't say she was leaving, but indicated she didn't want to hurt me. I thought the fact that she initiated a talk at all seemed positive. I was calm and only validated.
For the last few days things have been ok. We have talked normally and generally gotten along. With the idea that she might be leaving (not sure thats the case but easier to think that way after the talk) the feeling of detachment has seemed easier. Then came today...
Our cell phone bill is now due and I am still unable to log in to the account without forcing a password recovery. To be honest, I've kind of liked not being able to snoop her phone, but the bill needs to be paid. While getting ready for work I mentioned that I needed her to log in to the account and pay the bill. She simply said OK. That bugged me as we have not had a conversation about her locking me out of my account. I asked her if she was OK with the arrangement and she said yes. Then she asked if I would rather her transfer her phone to her own account. That really made me mad. She is asking me to trust her after all of this, but she can't trust me because I looked at her phone over a month ago? I was not mean, but I spoke my mind.
I seem to get a handle on myself for a bit, and then I lose site. I honestly think it would be easier if she moved out. I know it wouldn't fix our problems nor would I feel better initially, but I think it would give me some space to move past things without getting caught up in little everyday interactions.
After I got to work I did another thing I probably shouldn't have done...I sent her an email. It was basically apologizing for attacking her before work. I also said that we needed to be able to trust each other. I said that I had been working on my own trust issues with her and had been doing well with it but didn't know what it would take for her to trust me. I said that regardless of whether I deserved her mistrust or not, that I wanted to work on getting past it. There was a little more, but that was the gist of it.
So now I am going to be leaving work soon to go home and am really not sure how to handle things. Part of me thinks I need to just leave it alone and let things blow over again, but part of me thinks that I need to discuss her mistrust at a more appropriate time than we did this morning. The reason I feel that way is because I feel like we are on the brink of separation and that if she is going to continue mistrusting me for practically nothing and not be willing to work on it while expecting me to trust her after an EA, then maybe it time to go ahead and cut our losses.
In other news, I did sign up for Brazilian Jujitsu. I've had 2 classes so far and I really like it.
