You know J, I already feel pretty good and regaining my personal identity. It has been a process but I am feeling quite good now. I think that emotional wreckage couple of weeks ago was a needed jab for me to not slack off the personal work.
TBH, I am feeling really really good today. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I like the skin I am in and what my values are. I am also feeling quite unaffected by W's raging and all of that.
I see her trying to grow a new skin and persona and it looks really fake. I think I see the type of person she wants to be, but it's quite inauthentic right now and maybe she'll grow into it and be that person. But, right now, I don't want to be with who she is. Also, I don't want to be with a rager who has no self-awareness lol.
I think I am truly seeing that life will be bright. I was trying to fake that but I can genuinely say that I am at a place that is peaceful and zen. I wish W all the best, but I don't want to have any part in what's going on with her. As long as kids are doing well with her, that's all that matters to me.
I was a bit sad to see how she talked to me the other night, just because it showed me that she's not done any personal work and grown. She's still stuck in that anger and rage and blameshifting. So I know she has a long road ahead for her personal recovery. That's why I am done because the path she has to walk is long and I don't think she's going to start on it any time soon. I am not waiting around. Not because I want to start dating, but I want to be in this world in a free way.
I am still sticking to my June timeline so no hasty steps, but I am feeling really good about who I am and what my values are. I wish her happiness and the best, but this is truly her loss. We could've built something new and strong.
but this is truly her loss. We could've built something new and strong.
Good, I am glad to hear you are doing better!
This has probably been the hardest part for me to come to grips with as well so I understand where you are coming from.
I just try to remember that it is more about them than us and just because we wanted a happy family, etc. doesn't mean that she currently values/wants the same thing.
I to think we could have grown together but now when I see her and get past her physical beauty I still see the same individual on the inside that hasn't changed. With all the work I have done I know that I deserve better.
I see her trying to grow a new skin and persona and it looks really fake. I think I see the type of person she wants to be, but it's quite inauthentic right now and maybe she'll grow into it and be that person. But, right now, I don't want to be with who she is. Also, I don't want to be with a rager who has no self-awareness lol.
Maika..... Great post!! This is exactly how I feel with my W. I keep this in my head probably way to much but if I was to meet this new version of my W now would I date or even consider a relationship with her. The answer is no way! wouldn't even give her a second glance, funny(or pathetic) how quickly things change!
This is a lot about her and some about me. The parts about me are resolvable and I have certainly shown the willingness to do it. She didn't show the same or want to do her own work.
I am happy with who I am and and the areas of my life that I have strengthened and will continue to do so.
Dusty - yeah, right now I can't imagine being with her. She's just someone completely different. I don't really recognize her and honestly not sure if I would ever date her if we met now.
Hey folks!! Not much has changed in the sitch with W. Still pretty much NC/dark and moving forward with my life.
After that tumultuous emotional period recently, I've come to a more emotional equilibrium. I feel pretty good and making improvements and working towards my goals. Still smoke free and haven't relapsed - not going to happen.
My perspective on getting a D hasn't changed. I was worried about if I file, then she gets to say that 'he did it and he wanted it' and whatever crap. But, to be honest, I really don't care about that at all anymore. She can use that to prove or disprove whatever theories or ideas she has in her head.
The fact is that if I had done what she did to me, she wouldn't have given recon a second thought. I am referring to the EA that she had around BD. So, why am I trying to revive something that got crushed? It took me a while, but it was because my ego was deeply bruised and hurt, and everything was spinning out of control. I have worked on both and coming to realize that I am worthy of love and compassion, and that I can only control myself and chart my own path.
So, I've been reminding myself of that a lot lately and it's helped with the emotions.
Also, a huge win has been my relationship with the kids. My control issues are pretty much gone with them and I am way more chill and laid back and so are the kids. This has been a super positive thing in the last few months. Just learning to not get riled up about stuff that doesn't really matter and understanding the roots of my control issues. I feel a lot better and more grounded now. Don't feel like I am in survival mode all the time.
Whatever is going on with W, I dunno. But, I know that I cannot take her back with all the issues she has. Also, I have realized that I cannot be with someone who doesn't own up to their $hit and work on it. She hasn't done that. Also, I am not waiting around for her to switch up and make those changes. I wasn't waiting in the first place, but I am not standing for my MR anymore.
I am waiting for my self-imposed 12 months to pass - which will be June this year - and then make the next move. The decision is between filing for D or continue to stand but keep moving forward. I am still feeling good about filing for D, but will see how I feel by June and then make the call.
I know what I have to offer and what kind of a person I am. What my values and boundaries are, and what I will and will not accept.
I cannot be with someone who is weak, full of anxiety, and has little self-respect and self-love. I know that I had little self-respect and self-love for myself, but I changed that up and gained my confidence and respect back. More than anything, I learned to love who I was for who I am from within, rather than saying that I will love myself when I achieve x or become like this. I learned to love myself with all my strengths and flaws and warts n all.
So, I am in a good place. I am still working out and climbing like a fiend. I am so happy being athletic again. I want to date some fit ladies who are into the same things as me
All in all, everything is really great. I am loving my new life every day now.
Good update M...thanks for catching us up. It sounds like you are doing great and continuing to move forward. The longer your sitch continues the more distant you will grow from your W and you will really start to see her for who she is. It sounds like you are starting to make those realizations. I also felt that the longer it went on the harder it would be recon as well.
I like your confidence, it sounds like you got your swag back!
Hey everyone!! Not much has changed but I had an awesome weekend and lotsa good pick-me-up stuff that has motivated me even more about moving my life forward.
I have a question for anyone who might have experience with this.
W isn't interested in doing MC or even IC for herself, which is none of my concern. What I am looking at is doing a co-parenting counseling or course. Does anyone have experience doing this and how it went? Did it improve your co-parenting?
I found an online course that seems to be great, which I can also do for myself and doesn't have to be with her. The course option seems better so that we don't have to be sitting in the same room together. She's still seething with anger and I don't want to create any interactions where that might just derail some positive efforts.
So, I am thinking of doing the course and also suggesting it to her to do it. Does that classify as pursuing? I just want to do things that will improve the kids lives and also give us skills to handle things better. But, I don't know if this will flame the situation further.
She had after BD mentioned doing a communication or co-parenting counseling, but never followed up on it.
She's just been too angry to even interact with me in person without looking like she wants to beat the crap out of me. I just interact with her pleasantly and calmly - simple Hi Hello stuff. It's been a stretch for her to even manage that type of minimal conversation. The kids are seeing all of this and I feel that it is not optimal for them. So, I want to change it up. i don't care if she's angry or whatever, but I want her to handle that when we have to interact in-person. Now, I don't know how to say that without making the situation worse. Hence, the co-parenting course suggestion - but that also could make the situation worse.
Or I don't do anything about it and just handle myself. I don't know what's the best way to go about this.
Hey M...I have no experience with these classes but IMO if she is still pissed off and angry she probably will not want to hear anything you have to say or suggest. It sounds like she is still in the "I am better than M" phase and still needs more time and space.
Hey J! Yehhh.. she's more like - I am super pissed off at M for everything that went wrong in the MR and it is totally his fault and he is the whole reason for my unhappiness and misery.
I feel like anything I will say or suggest will be taken the wrong way and so that's why I am hesitating to bring it up. But, at the same time, her behaviour is not helping the situation when we have to interact in-person with the kids. The kids are old enough to see the dynamics.
Last time she just avoided me in the public place for as long as possible and then she barely managed to say hi with a glare of death. I was positive and happy and didn't let her anger and mood throw me off my game. But kids saw all of that and I don't think it's helping the situation.
I think I might take the co-parenting course just for myself and see if it is useful for how I parent. But maybe suggesting to her right now is not the best option.
