Husband gone for second time - 3

[25yearsmlc]

Did I mention my h is also a physician? Yes, he is. It was a career change he made when our son was 8 WEEKS old and I was still in law school.

They get adulation at work that no one woman can ever, humanly, match. There is a danger to that at work and how it seeps into the private life.

If they have no serious faith and moral compass to which they adhere, it's a recipe for marriage to a narcissist.

Gosh it's incredibly cliched to see a doctor in a "Subsequent" marriage b/c the adoration factor at home (like love, loyalty, AND taking out the garbage) means to them, not enough "gratitude expressed!!" for anything they did at home. I recall h banging drawers closed if he put the silverware away, as if he resented doing the smallest of tasks AND OR awaiting the "thanks for ALL the help!" comment. Yet I cannot ever recall him thanking me for raising our children, or giving up a career option, or much. He had trouble saying thank you AT HOME or to family. And he never said "sorry" for missing an event or living away or over working.

No wife, no one person can possibly express enough affirmation on a daily basis, for those who need constant ego strokes as some do. It would be a very rare doctor I'd marry now.

When you see a professional man in a position of success, Even if they are NOW kind and generous, (or seem to be), it would be hard to know that another woman got them to where they are now, a woman they were content to discard, children they no longer see much of, or whom they shower with gifts but not time...

Partners at law firms can be the same way. That's why people saying they want to "meet a rich doctor" really pushes my buttons. The surgeon for my leg (who will NOT be my surgeon now) told me point blank that his "new" wife is divorcing him and "trying to take all" HIS money. (SO ironic he'd tell ME this).

I asked about his kids, who are grown up now. He told me that his first wife, "moved them to New Jersey so he couldn't see them". Meaning, 1) he still has no relationship with GROWN children, and 2) New Jersey is a 4 hour drive from him.

How on earth can he claim that his relationships with his kids is STILL his ex wife's fault?
Because at work no one challenges him and he can still get dates.

He has now failed at least 2 former wives. He has zero insight into this. He has lousy r's with his FOUR GROWN kids, and

AT WORK - he is THE BOSS. Mostly surrounded by women, he gets profusely thanked, politely asked questions, very well paid, does not share more than legally required but due to his "wearing down his first wife in the divorce" (which he told me like it was an achievement!)

he has his answers equated to gospel, all things mundane are done for him.

He's a little older than me, NOT handsome, but charming and witty.

And I'm pretty sure he's living with #3 (or 4 or 5???) OW and, I kid you not,

he ASKED ME OUT FOR LUNCH. OMG he so read me wrong.

So, back to earth...learn what you can from that^^ anecdote but it seemed like God was showing me the "other side" of my h's life. Once, when d20 was just 5 DAYS old, I asked h to take some time off to help me with our new baby and 2 older kids, b/c we were in temporary housing and knew no one.

He made a comment about how lucky I was to be married to him. Maybe it was the hormones but I took that comment like a punch in the stomach and felt a horrible sense of danger.

I see now that he had a capacity for cruelty and selfishness that is impossible for him to overcome, long term. Please understand that just as the surgeon was charming and witty, he wronged the mother of his 4 children. My xh is well built, charming and witty and can ACT very sensitive. All these things can be true.

But I don't have the capacity for cruelty to anyone, let alone the father of my children. Let alone when they are vulnerable.

My xh does, and so does your h. Don't look away from that reality. Face it as best you can.

Next topic -

Also, filing for divorce in the state where you are now, does NOT require you to stick around there till resolution. You can file there, and then leave.

But the state you move to, has residency requirements which will delay your ability to file there. And you don't know their laws, correct?

AND filing in another state may not be advantageous to you, depending on their divorce laws. CHECK THAT ASAP PLEASE...

the lawyer you told you that your h does not know what's coming, is probably the one who "gets" it.

Also you seem to think by filing for divorce, YOU are ending the marriage and that it will mean nothing can ever be repaired.

I think the opposite. I think the only way this guy will wake up and smell the coffee, is by you filing. I do not expect it to happen. But it's the only way I can envision it.

He's treating you horribly and it's been going on awhile. No indication of a change.

Which means, to him, your devotion and loyalty -- are not working.

**I thought I'd "love my h thru his MLC" AND Then he'd reward my forgiving and steadfastness, with reciprocity and appreciation! We'd get past all this and be how we once were. I thought it had happened!

I was 100% wrong.

Eventually, and with a few bones thrown at me now and then, to help me maintain the illusion he was as invested in our marriage and family as I was, - in time -

He came to treat me with barely contained contempt. 6 months ago he actually told his L that he "hates" my guts. That amazes me.

I did nothing to deserve that and frankly, it sounds truly irrational to me. He betrayed ME in every way a h can betray a w. And HE hates ME??? Wow...

It must take a lot of energy on his end to delude himself into thinking I did anything to put him in the position he's in now. But my request, which the court granted, was temporary support. He felt he should pay ZERO support b/c, hey, I get 1/9 of his salary by way of a pension.

Still, the mean old court agreed with me, and that infuriated h to an insane level. He immediately posted on FB about OW being the 'love of his life" and our children were freaked out, and I was deeply wounded and shocked.

He then told our kids and swore under oath that he had "retired". That was a lie. We proved it. Proving he lied, did not humble him in the least. It angered him more!


Let ^^^ that sink in...and prepare yourself.

Like I said, I don't think your h is going to have a grand awakening anytime soon. But for sure it won't be by you "nicing" him back home. You cannot love him through this.

You have to stand up for yourself and let him see the strong empowered woman and protective mother, you are.

more later