25yrsmlc, Thanks for taking the time to share all that. Your timeline looks crazy. It can't believe this went on for so many years for you. I really want to read your thread more.
The sunk cost scenario does sound like what's going on. It's helpful to think of the situation that way.
Yes I will try to depersonalize. I've started doing that a little. When my husband saw a psychologist alone last summer and then I went to the same psychologist afterwards, I said to the psychologist "I guess he said a lot of bad things about me." The psychologist said "no, he actually said a lot of good things. He blames himself completely and knows he's being unfair to you." So yeah, I did a lot of things wrong and I'm working hard on changing those things about myself, but apparently that's not why my husband left.
I can see that I'm an obstacle in my husband's life at this point. His mean jerk behavior probably is due to that. He also seems to be out-of-control in general. He's always had mood swings but this new abusive twist is a new tactic.
I did identify a lawyer here where we live and I went through a consultation with her. Her opinion is that my husband has no idea what he's getting himself into and he's in for a rude awakening. I have a sense that my husband figured that out because he hasn't filed for divorce yet.
You know I have this lawyer here who is ready to be paid a retainer fee but I've already been planning to move in April for many months. I know even if I file, the divorce won't be completed before I move. I don't want to delay the move because I think I'll be stronger and better able to cope in my old city where I have friends and colleagues and job opportunities.
There are many reasons to file for divorce now, before I move, but I have a strong preference to be more prepared by waiting. My husband may file before I leave, which wouldn't surprise me, but I'm curious to see how he feels once we're gone, living a great life up North while he's here alone with his naïve girlfriend who knows nothing about his culture. I wonder if the freedom is going to be so great then? His girlfriend is a mainstream American and all her facebook photos are of her wearing a bikini on the beach holding a beer bottle or wearing some skimpy outfit in a club with a shot in her hand. I question whether someone like that will appreciate all my husband's 'tricks' once she really gets to know him.
It's not that I'm hoping my husband will show up soon after we move hoping to reconcile because there's no sign that will happen, especially not so fast, but I know in my current state I'm the weak one and my husband has the upper hand. I just wish to turn the tables and face divorce after we move when my husband will be the one 'left behind.' Feel free to tell me this is wrong but as I mentioned, I don't think the divorce will be completed by early April even if either of us do file now, so it will already have to be completed between two states.
25yearsmlc, how could your husband leave you with only $700? Did he lose his mind? Didn't he feel guilty about leaving and want to help you out a little?
My husband is acting crazy but he's still paying all our bills and cooperating financially. If he tries to stop paying the bills I'll probably show up at his doorstep with our daughter and a suitcase saying we're moving back in because we have nowhere else to go. I'm joking but I'm willing to take the financial risks just a little longer in exchange for a better mental state up until the day my husband stops paying.
I guess I'm holding on to the hope that life will get better in a few weeks after my daughter and I move. At that point I'll consult with a new lawyer up there to see what difference there may be in filing from there.
I'll try using the 'don't talk to me like that' approach if my husband is rude and mean again.
He stopped by tonight and was acting normal again. He brought a box of chocolate for our daughter and conversed with me. As he was leaving he stopped on the stair case and turned around and came back up and said he wants to fly up to our city on the day when we move-in to our new place to help us and make sure everything is ok for us. I told him he doesn't need to do that because we'll be fine and I already have a visitor that weekend. He said "no, I need to come and check everything and make sure it's ok."
Tomorrow I'm going to ask my husband not to come. He may still come, but I want him to see that we don't need him there. I really do want the move to be a turning point.
Again perhaps I'm wrong about waiting on the divorce but everything in the divorce should work in my favor financially which will make my husband into the loser. The stronger I can be to make that happen, and to show him the consequences of his actions, I think the stronger the chance his happy carefree life that he's living at the moment will come to an end.
I don't want my husband to suffer. I don't want to be unfair to him either. But I do hope to change the momentum and move on for real.
Will my husband want to reconcile later on, in a few years when he's burned through ten or twenty trashy women and realizes freedom isn't without consequences? I'd be so happy if he does. I don't know if we could have a new relationship or not, but I do wish for that day when I'm no longer just a piece of trash being thrown away.
I'm exhausted and probably not making much sense anymore, but thanks 25yrsmlc. I want to read your thread more to learn more about what happened to you. I'll follow-up more there.
