Yes, I'm aware that the current version of my husband isn't someone that's good for my daughter and I. I may not struggle so much if he didn't turn into a totally different person these past few years. The guy I married was so polite, so kind, so engaged for nearly seven years. We did everything together.
It's so hard to believe someone can change like this. I guess people here understand it. I'm moving far away in any case and I hope to think the way you do. It's still just very painful.
It's very very painful. And one of the things we do that makes us crazy is that we project our values onto our former spouses, and when they do something WE would never do, we don't get it. We are baffled.
We keep assuming "they are confused" or in an "MLC", but regardless of cause, they do NOT share our values, not anymore.
Still, We often stay with someone based on what we think their potential as a spouse is, on who they used to be, (or who we thought they were), and not on who they are now.
There's also such a thing as "sunk cost" and you may want to do a bit of reading on that. Or see another site about spouses who do this. It's like if we played poker and had put a lot of our chips on the table and when we see that we really don't have a good hand, we do NOT want to fold and cut our losses. We keep thinking the next hand will be better and we won't have to leave so much of our investment (time, energy, love...loyalty, building a family) on the table.
But it's as if the house always win and the game is rigged b/c we are not playing the same poker game as our spouses are. They apply different rules to themselves.
I'm so sorry but seems you don't have much to work with, Nicole. The "upside" to this is that he's not acting very kind to you, in fact he's got the textbook MEAN JERK behavior and it's been this way i "these past few years", so when you can take a step back you may be able to see that this is about HIM. Depersonalize as best you can.
He's lashing out b/c he's trying to move forward in his new life. You are an obstacle and he for sure struggles with being an absentee dad, but thinks that "later" he will make it up to her.
And the thing is, YOU cannot make him a good father, and you cannot make him care more.
(Please read this^^^ again. My lawyer and my T had to tell me this 50 times the past year before I let it sink in.)
Only when he's "Free" will he really be able to see what's going on, and that is NOT when the OW and he break up, if that is ever happens.
It's when he sees you moving on. Acting as if.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
