Past few days, i have been feeling a bit depressed. I am not happy with my life right now. And im gonna write all this out and then feel guilty later for sounding so whiny and unappreciative.
I wanted another child. I am 40 now and feeling so sad that i was never able to give my son a sibling.
I was so stupid. I went to school, got a career, gave my ex tons of time. Never pressured him for marriage. Felt like we had continued time. Never pressured him to invest in a house. And now look.
My big mistake in life was choosing the wrong partner.
I cant move to a more affordable area because of sons father. Sons father will be inheriting his moms house while she lives in a warmer state. So not fair.
Now i am without security without a house, without a safety net and all i have is my young son, who i basically raise on my own. He is my life. And i am so so grateful and in love with him.
What do i have that makes me a catch? I wish i was 10 years younger when my ex did this to me.
I have legitimate concerns that men my age will only want to date me. Not form a blended family. Not be capable of loving my son. I dont blame them but i also dont want to waste my time if thats the case. But they are not always honest. Or living in lala land in the beginning.
I dont necessarily know if this is true of the person i am dating right now. Or one of my anxieties. He has indicated this was not the case for him and knew about my situation and woukd have never dated me if that was the case. But i worry that maybe he is one of those passive aggressive "nice guys"
But i do get the vibe that guys like me in the beginning. Looks (for my age), career, i am easy going and logical and not demanding. I am very honest from the beginning. And then they say in their minds "oh sh!t. Shes a nice girl but its not fair for me to take that on" And i feel used.
Years ago i was in a divorce.care group. And this beautiful mom of 2 young kids came in crying because the man she was dating for 8 months ended things because he didnt want to pursue a life with her kids.
He knew she had them when he first started dating her. And i knew he was using her because she was beautiful, smart and really sweet and then bailed when things were no longer new and exciting and blamed the circumstance.
And then we waste 6 months maybe a year of this and im only getting older.
