PsySara, I have so much sympathy for you and those feelings you describe sound so familiar. To some extent the loneliness is to blame. The loss of a partner and void that can't be filled, and not having time to socialize much with people your age because you're a mom with young kids. It's difficult. There's no easy way out except if you have the option of reducing your work hours temporarily perhaps you'd benefit from some free time while the kids are in school during the day. I'm still struggling a lot myself but I'm trying to re-train my brain a little bit to think into the future. I can barely breath knowing my husband is enjoying his life with his young girlfriend while I lost everything and have to start from zero. But then I try to remind myself that my husband may have temporary happiness with his girlfriend but there's a high chance they won't be together forever, or at least not this happy forever. I try to think that I may have lost the beautiful house where I was supposed to live and it feels like I'll never live in a nice place again, but I've met people who were divorced a long time ago and now live in their own house. So I'm trying hard to have enough patience to let this stage pass even though I'm still barely making it through a lot of days. I'd like to try a low dose of Zoloft but I'm also moving in three weeks and will be close to friends and will start working again, so I'm thinking to hold off. I also have some hope that once my daughter and I are far away from my husband that he may feel the loss just a little bit. That's my thought process. It's not a great one, but I guess it's helpful to compare notes at least.
Most of my friends are physicians and my husband is one too. Tonight I was at the ER all night with my friend who just delivered a baby yesterday and her husband had to stay home with the baby and her other kid. The doctors and nurses were so busy and stressed. I honestly don't know how you do it with three kids. Don't you feel physical pain in your back and legs by the time you go to bed at night? Don't you feel lightheaded or dizzy? How do you even find time to eat or shower? It's amazing that you're doing all this. I wish you had a husband to tell you how awesome you are. I wish everyone could see what a hero you are. But you, like many moms and professionals, are doing their jobs quietly with very little recognition.
I had a difficult job and when I was in my 20's I have one uncle who said one day "I felt sorry for you." All those years growing up I didn't think anyone noticed, but it turns out someone did! I hope someone special in your life notices what you're going through and makes a special effort to help you get through it. Sometimes we need some special person during times like these. You need a real life angel for what you're enduring!
I hope you'll pass this stage and will someday have your husband begging at your feet for forgiveness and will either set your own tough conditions or you will have already found someone new by that time.
