D12 overheard a phone convo between W and OM. She was crying in my arms last night...I was so heartbroken. She started asking if her mother was dating someone. I didn’t know how to respond. I have no interest in sitting down with W on Friday, there’s nothing to discuss. I am going to completely detach no contact no R talks ect.
If your D12 is asking about her mother dating anyone.......and she's overheard a conversation between Mom and OM, then she probably wants it verified. Her mother could be lying to her, but you don't have to cover for the WW and OM. Your D12 will appreciate you being honest with her. If you try to cover to "protect" D12, she'll know it and then she won't trust either parent.
Don't try to tell D12 how she should feel. Allow her to be angry at her mother. You don't have to talk badly about your WW to D12, but be honest when answering her questions.
In most WW cases I've known, she has a hidden agenda before she ever leaves her H. All this business about not being happy, etc., was just her excuse to get out of the MR. She did not leave in order to work on the MR. She probably planned to tell people she met OM later.......and maybe she did, when she was out behaving like Girls Gone Wild. If your WW gets angry that D12 went to you for the truth (and she probably will), just tell her you will not cover up about her boyfriend. That doesn't mean you should get on social media and announce it. But neither should you lie to keep it a secret.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
when picking up the kids last night W asked if we could get together next Friday, i asker her what for and she said to catch up? I'm preparing for the worse...i agreed to meet with her, how do i go go about this meeting? This will potentially be the first sit down conversation that we've had in months
You listen and you gather information. If she presses you for your response or an answer, you tell her that you need time to process all this. That you will get back to her, etc.
But make no commitment and do NOT ask her to come home.
For now, you let her go b/c if you she were to return before any changes in her happen, you'll be here again within a year.
Get OUT of her head b/c it's not a comprehensible place to be. There are no "good answers" to this.
Fill your head with new things, and making your kids FIRST>
Kids need at least one sane parent and that parent is YOU. Keep their lives as much the same as you can. Same activities and same friends over playing etc.
Just so you know, most men would love to be in your place keeping the kids and not having to share them with her much or paying child support and she's not demanding custody (yet) or openly inviting a new man into her life to be a step dad.
That is when it gets truly sucktacular. But read the DR book and consider the possibility that she may not snap out of this.
OR not till too much damage has been done.
Do you absolute BEST not to bad mouth her to your kids. It will be VERY hard, but you must do this and they will ALWAYS remember you more fondly for not making them feel worse.
They will be in enough pain and turmoil and feel rejected enough by their mom as it is.
Do not worry that they will prefer her to you, even though they will miss her badly. Cross that bridge when you get to it.
Hang in there. Get A Life. It matters. Crowding out obsessive thoughts and pain about her with new positives activities and HOPE will increase your self confidence and peace.
And attractiveness. Become James Bond detached and move forward as if you KNOW you all will be "Just fine, thanks"
b/c you will be.
And because she won't come home in any healthier way if it's from shame,
the way she might if she realizes the prizes she's losing by leaving.
Be a man only a fool would leave. (And prepare for your w to be a fool).
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
sandi I have no doubt in my mind that there was a hidden agenda behind W leaving...she dangled leaving the home 3 times before actually doing it, and each time the excuse was different. I would plead and beg her (big mistake I know)
I found out about her EA with OM in mid January. She told me he was just a friend and that he was a good listener and that nothing was going on between them. I told her that i would not stand for my wife talking/texting other men to which she responded " I feel at this point in our R that it's ok for me to talk to other men" She moved out 2 weeks later.
Sandi...what i can't wrap my head around is why she cannot be honest about the OM...i cannot prove a PA but i don't doubt that she has cheated on me. These past couple months W has been brutally honest and does not care about hurting my feelings...she has told my she doesn't love me, doesn't care for me, doesn't want to be with me....so then why will she not be honest about her affair when she has said everything else in the book to hurt me?
It doesn't have anything to do with your feelings. It has everything to do with justifying herself. Some WW's won't admit to having an A.......even when the H is standing there holding pictures. It's crazy! WW's will leave their little kids, their MR, nice home, security, etc.......to be with a man that is nothing, or to live like GGW. She will blame the H for everything wrong in her life. She will lie to own her children, parents, and friends, to justify her actions. Most WW's want the H to tell the kids it was a mutual decision to split. They don't want their kids to know they were in an A......and should the kids find out, the WW blames the H, anyway.
You can't be her BFF and think you'll win her back. You can't score brownie points with her. Make your decisions based on your personal standards and belief system. Don't compromise your integrity, trying to get her back.
Sorry you are in this mess.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I haven’t seen or spoken to my W in over a week. I bought our D12 a cellphone 2 weeks ago because of her after school activities etc. W now has been solely communicating to me through our D. She will text her letting her know when she is picking her and our S6 up.
She used to get out the car and come to the door when picking up the kids but now she just honks and texts our D that she is here. I feel like i’m losing her, maybe I was naive but I felt as if her getting out the car coming inside to get the kids was a way of her trying to see me or see any changes I’ve made to the house...guess not.
I’ve started the DB book, it stirs up a lot of emotions in me because I can relate to so much in the book, i’ve literally have had to put the book down several times because I either became upset or sad...should I have started the DR book first?
Overall I’ve been feeling miserable...I honestly miss my W. I recently began writing a letter to my W...I know that this may have very little to no affect on my sitch but I have to let her know how I feel before it’s too late...because I truly feel like she is slipping through my hands.
Sandi or anyone else if you have any thoughts or advice about the letter please tell me! I would be willing to post the letter for critiques etc
she dangled leaving the home 3 times before actually doing it, and each time the excuse was different. I would plead and beg her (big mistake I know)
Originally Posted By: swagger
but I have to let her know how I feel before it’s too late..
Haven't you done enough of that already and where did that get you?
You are in for a long ride. Don't extend it with heavy pursuit. She might come back, she might not. But that letter will do you no good, especially when she's involved with another man.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
Keep detaching. It is hard but you need it for yourself. It takes time so you must be patient.GAL and keep strong. Don´t get your mind to be your worst enemy.
Overall I’ve been feeling miserable...I honestly miss my W. I recently began writing a letter to my W...I know that this may have very little to no affect on my sitch but I have to let her know how I feel before it’s too late...because I truly feel like she is slipping through my hands.
You are feeling a lot of pain, regret, and fear. If writing out a letter helps you deal with emotions better, then write it. But don't put it in an email (some H's reported to accidentally hitting "send" button). Pouring out your feelings, is not going to change her heart. If it would work, that's the first thing we would have told you to do.
The desperation you are feeling must be horrible. Perhaps you think a letter won't make things worse.......but what if you knew it would push her even futher away from you? A H's bleeding heart is not attractive to a W who has another man in her head. You still think of her being like the girl you fell in love with. That girl would have cared how you are feeling. This wayward woman she is today, does not care. If I really told you how she felt, it would hurt you even worse. She doesn't want to hear or read how you feel. Giving her a letter is pursuit. It is not fighting for your M.
Staying out of sight and sound, is the best thing you can currently do to fight for your M. Don't use your daughter to relay messages to your W. Only text when it is strictly about D12, and it is strictly business. Don't make up excuses, b/c W will see through them and it will be a bad turn off. Know what I mean?
If you love your W, let her go. If you want to fight for your M, then start creating a life apart from her. GAL for real. Stay away from her. Don't contact her. Self improve. Let "time" do its work in her life.......and you will see better results than any of this other stuff your emotions are dictating to do.
This is not what you really wanted to hear. ((hugs))
We are being honest and telling you what works and doesn't work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry about your sitch Swag, in a similar boat myself. Thumbs up to what sandi wrote, i also needed to hear this myself. Keep posting and stay strong brother.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
