Wild ride and now trapped in the Bermuda Triangle

[dmoy]

And she won't be interested in working on things for a long, long time. There are a lot of deep-seated issues that brought you to this point and it is completely understandable that she has lost all trust. What took this long to tear apart is not going to be rebuilt overnight. 180's plus time = change she can believe in. You've got to do 180's on your issues, and you have got to stick to those 180's for months or even years before she will believe it's real.

Yeah. I'm trying to be patient.

Is that not "more of the same" behavior? Add "No More Mister Nice Guy" to your reading list, it's not what the title sounds like. It deals with the "nice guy" syndrome and the passive/aggressive behavior you're engaging in (like a lot of us did).

I read this and now have more questions than answers. While I think some of the info is good, the book itself seems to be totally fine with pushing divorce which runs opposite to the goal here. The pendulum swing is too big.

We had an agreement on child support and she decided to file for it through the court after employer cut my (and all management) pay for 2 checks because they were having payroll issues. I've told her before I don't feel it's fair and she's trying to get more money. She's out spending like she won the lottery and I'm living paycheck to paycheck and have no money to do anything with the kids when I have them. Based on the calculator I'm going to end up paying even more month to month.

Yesterday I tried to set some boundaries and asked her to pay her portion of the cell phone bill and car insurance that I'm still paying. All that did was blow up in my face.

How long has it been since BD? If less than a year then no, you're not being patient! You've got to stop the pressure and give her time and space while you work on yourself. Settle in for the long haul.

18 months since the affair and we got back together. 8 1/2 months since BD and she moved out while I was out of town for work.

In DR, MWD said general rule of thumb was 1 month for every year of marriage, 7 in my case. Are expectations way too low? I understand it's different for everyone and I can do things to set things back but that seems like conflicting advice.

You should apologize to her (specifically) for that, but don't apologize over and over. One heartfelt apology and a pledge to do better no matter what the outcome of your M. Thank her for sharing it with you.

Wrote her a 2 page apology letter as recommended in the doing it alone section of Healing form Infidelity and gave it to her 2 weeks ago. Made my peace.

Unfortunately the time for that has passed. She's two feet out the door now and more than likely will not want to talk about it. Your focus should not be to "help her trust you again", it should be to fix the things you need to fix for you, your kids, and your future whether W is in it or not. After lots of time she may look at that new person and decide she wants a relationship with him.

Yesterday (and earlier this week) I had asked her to be more open/explicit/honest with me. This was one of my biggest complaints that I let go when we were together. I'd say things were fine but never communicated my need for her to be explicit with me. She did send some photos of the kids last night even though our talk blew up a bit.

She keeps saying she just wants what's best for the kids (w/o reconciling) but she's a product of a broken home and has father issues similar to the NMMNG issues they have with their mothers. I feel deep down she knows that the best for our girls is for us to reconcile but she made it pretty clear last night that was an impossible task. This is based off her feelings she voiced when we renewed our wedding vows ("I hope our girls strive to have a relationship like ours and I want to show them how important marriage is.", 18 months ago). The last thing I want for my girls is to grow up in that situation, resenting one or both of us. My girls are awesome and they deserve better.

I'm done fighting with her and made it clear that I'm fighting for her because I believe in her marriage.

It's just really sad because my 6 year old said she's now afraid of marriage because she thinks that if she yells at her kids, her husband will leave with them and she'll never see them again. So heartbreaking. 😢