These type of interactions are as good as foreplay! When you want to make love to a woman..,,,you start at the head, first. By the time you get to Mexico, she may be popping at the seams. .
A kiss on the lips, huh? I told ya if she gets closer to your mouth, it's a good sign.
Okay, about the doctor..........I just plain out don't like the flirtatious tones. I think he would jump at the chance. And your W.......I would gladly give a good shaking, if it would make her use common sense. This is the behavior pattern that led to the EA with OM. If she does not get it through her head that she cannot discuss her private MR issues to another man......then she will continue setting her own snares. She doesn't need to discuss anything personal with another guy, and the fact that she likes guy friends more gal friends......does not change the standards of conduct. She betrayed that standard when she went outside her M and had an A......and with a "friend". For her to think it's perfectly fine to continue pushing boundaries with other men (in any capacity) is not okay.......and she has to live by an appropriate code of conduct, or endure the consequences. IMHO, those are some of the tough love policies that need to be in place, especially when a W has betrayed her H. I find in most cases reported on the board, the H is either so afraid of losing his W, or he doesn't know enough about waywards at the point of confrontation/boundaries/reconciliation, to insist that a code of conduct be respected by his W.
That is why I am not in favor of male and female co-workers getting too cozy after work. And to know she was considering meeting him and sitting with him at his S's wrestling match......without either of the spouses being present? That is just inappropriate in my book. Where I live, gossip would spread like wildfire. You don't poke the fire if you don't wang flames. And after she's coming back from a previous A? It's practically a written invitation to repeat the same performance, if she does not learn and accept it is disrespectful to her H.........and dangerous to her MR. She has to intentionally affair-proof her M.......and she doesn't seem to realize that it begins by not repeating the same mistakes, and the same behavior patterns. She needs to adopt a new code of conduct, if she is sincere about not having another affair. I hope the IC can help her come to terms with that issue.
Do I think she is viewing the Doc as her next affair candidate? No, not seriously, anyway. I see her being very careless, and not learning from her past mistakes......at least, not enough to change the behavior that got her there. I think a lot of it is exactly how you've explain her. But......it is still unacceptable behavior. Do I think she is in an EA with the Doc? No, but I think she plays with fire........and although she seems to be responding to you a lot better, and putting more effort into working on the MR......it concerns me that she acts like she sees nothing wrong with those type of interactions with men. She puts herself in situations that invite suggestive attention. I mean, the fact that she's very attractive and draws the attention of the men around her, should.....if anything.....alert her inner self to be cautious that she does not give the impression she is welcoming any form of inappropriate actions. Long before I became a Christian, my mother taught (and was a perfect role model) of how a lady should conduct herself. To this day, if I am around other men, it is more important to me that they respect me as lady, first, and then as a Christian. Did I fail in both categories during my outward rebellion.......of course, I did. Did I learn from my mistakes and how I could affair proof my M to the best of my abilities? Yes, I think I did.
IDK, maybe it was how I was raised, but I have also witnessed women who display that sort of flirty behavior & attitude......are usually not thought of very highly by their surrounding female coworkers (or whatever circles). Unless, of course, the other women act in the same manner. The circles I have been associated with (co-workers, social, etc), most of the other ladies would have frowned on it, and maybe talked badly about her. But maybe things are different in her world.....IDK. But I do know this much......I would be a very unhappy spouse if I learned another woman had gone to my son's wrestling match with the intentions of meeting up with my H and sitting next to him to give him pointers. . It's just not cool, and I don't think a spouse should be expected to be cool with those types of situations. There is a certain code or standard by which one conducts themselves, out of respect for the spouse/marriage. (Nothing like hearing some kind of statement like this from a former wayward W, eh?)
What can you do about it? I'd tell the IC, and give her time to work with your W about these issues. I would ask the IC what should be your best response, should your W mention meeting the Doc somewhere other than work......and without the spouses. If it were me, I'd tell her without hesitation I had a big problem with it. If the IC can enlighten you in how to handle it best, then go with her advice.
You know how I refer to the selfishness of a WW. When there was never a physical separation, and the wayward is somewhat emotionally reluctant in doing the necessary work in the MR (the way your W has done....and the way I did), but nevertheless, she "is still there"................ her selfishness does not vanish overnight. Neither does her other negative feelings, but I am pointing mainly at her selfishness right now. Some W's will tell the H, "Hey, this who I am, and I'm not going to change". It would be closer to the truth to say she doesn't want to change, b/c she doesn't love/respect their MR enough to conduct herself accordingly. In some cases, the A ends but that inward rebellious spirit is still wanting to get out. This varies with the individual sitch.
The H can set boundaries and hold her feet to the line about her outward show of respect, etc. The inner work is up to her. If she doesn't want to feel differently enough to change her actions......and do the spiritual repentance & healing in her heart/mind.......then how will the MR ever been fulfilling for her? Do you see what I mean? She's got to resolve the spiritual issue, before her rebellion ends. And as long as she feels rebellious, her selfishness is going to tell her to do what feels good and not to change for somebody else's sake.......not even for her M. So, I think your W is slowly coming along, but she is resistant to whatever the spiritual problem is with her (good girl vs bad good syndrome). My concern, is that until her inner conflict is settled, she keeps wanting to poke the fire. Let's pray she doesn't get too close to the flame, before the IC can help her. Although she had strong doubts about the MR improving, she had reasons for staying.......and from what you can tell, she did end her affair and is putting more effort into the MR.
I will share this with you, FWIW, and hope it will encourage. Several months ago, I was posting to someone who asked me questions about my A, the timeline, etc. I was explaining how I really don't remember too much about the timelines, and how long it took for this or that. I never really dwelt on it, to be honest. I think the LBS is more aware about the timeframes than the wayward. Anyway, I paused typing for a minute and realized I couldn't even remember the OM's last name! Now some of you may think that's a great sign.....and I hope it is, but at my age, forgetfulness can be a little scary. It finally came to mind what his last name was (or close enough), and I felt a sigh of relief.......not to remember him, but that I hadn't completely lost my mind......yet. Here's the thing I want to point out. The OM was not even important enough for his last name to instantly enter my head a decade later. However, I clearly remember what led me to that reckless behavior in the very beginning. Not only do I avoid doing anything again to lead to that source of temptation ....... But I think I am more cautious than ever, in how I present myself when interacting with other men. My personality type is very friendly........so I don't want to give the wrong impression. Do I wish I could just be "me" and not be concerned about what others think? I have learned that "me" has changed. I can be friendly......even fun, and yet maintain a respectful distance, without appearing cold or angry. Just one example would be.....don't get "touchy" when laughing and having fun with someone. People can mistake it to mean something else (even a friendly or sympathic hug). Some men see a very friendly lady as being too forward, or as flirty behavior. Although innocent, she may have to learn to tone it down. Funny thing happened on the way to affair-proofing my M.......my rebellious spirit seemed to have died along the way.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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. It's just not cool, and I don't think a spouse should be expected to be cool with those types of situations. There is a certain code or standard by which one conducts themselves, out of respect for the spouse/marriage. (Nothing like hearing some kind of statement like this from a former wayward W, eh?)
