Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[mleigh4]

Hi everyone.

Not much new, just checking in. The paralegal has my petition drawn up and ready to file. I have an appt. next week with a lawyer to go over everything. I was bummed that she couldn't get me in for 2 weeks, but it actually has given me time to get all my financials and questions together. I am so eager to get this going, but I remind myself that this is not something to rush. I have not relayed any of this to H. One step at a time. Once I see lawyer, I might then let H know papers are being filed, just common courtesy. I struggle with what I tell H and when......I figure once I talk with lawyer I will decide that. My goal is to keep the peace and be fair.

The best part is that I have no fear of this being a mistake. I am so ready and it feels so right. It's such a relief.

H and I barely talk. Now that S has a phone, we don't need to much. It's just hi and bye now. Not a single word from him about divorce, I would guess he thinks I have once again put it on the back burner.

Grammy was over yesterday and asks me, guess who is doing mediation? I said oh, I'm sorry to hear you guys have decided to divorce. She said not just me, but your husband too! I said what? She said she told H that her and her husband are going to begin mediation and she explained it to him and he said he would like to do mediation too. I got so mad. I gave him handouts and information, explained it to him, and he said no. Mommy talks, and he says yes. It just drives me crazy! This was my whole marriage!

So later that night I took dog for a walk so I could clear my head and release my anger. Each breath out was my anger out. Bottom line, it's too late for mediation. I have already paid the paralegal and papers are drawn. Surprise H! You know what though? I am glad that I chose this way because I have control, I don't have to depend on H to show up to appt's, and we all know how he drags stuff out! Also, he probably just said that to her, who knows if he really means it. Doesn't matter now does it.

I am still enjoying my divorce group. This week touched on the topic of guilt that comes with the decision to divorce. This class helped me to realize this still isn't my choice, but more of a necessity to protect myself, and to help me move on. H is gone and has been for years, there is no chance of reconciliation with this man, it's time for me to heal. I still love the man I married, but I am not divorcing the man I married. They all assured me they understood my guilt, but also stand by me with this decision, along with the man upstairs.

So life is good. Emotions come but they don't stay long, they are passing quicker and easier. I am taking good care of myself and taking advantage of quiet time, to keep my head clear. I have become a bit of a hermit but feel I need this right now.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.
M