WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[hoosjim]

Quick update, some good and then some maybe not quite so good (but im not sure)...

How are you coming along with the non-sexual touching? Are you doing some every day? You need to do it, and let them grow into more intimate touching. If you don't intentionally touch her every single day, you will not bring yourself out of this pit. Are you calling her pet name? "Hey, blue eyes"........"Come sit next to me, sexy"..........."See you later, J-Lo" (and add a wink). Oh gosh......if men only knew how sexy a wink can be! They'd wink at everything that moved.

You've got to maintain this flirty, relaxed, fun repertoire. You have to do it on purpose. Yes, you initiate it, b/c you are not a LBH. Don't wait for your W (who is struggling to overcome her wayward mindset).

The good: <Hee hee>... so, W likes for us to order chinese food sometimes instead of cooking, which we did two nights ago. We sometimes do it for S18 when we are going out or both late from work or the like and, when we do, there are always fortune cookies left over which W likes to nibble on but this time she missed them because S18 had put them away instead of leaving them out. So, when I had a couple of minutes to myself i printed out flirty alternate "fortunes", tweezered the original fortunes out of the cookies and replaced them with the ones I'd made-- things like "Ooooh, your silky blond hair, Wow, those big blue eyes" and "If there's a prettier girl in all the state of __________ I don't know who it would be" and "You will soon go on a long tropical journey with "very handsome white man""(One of her friends, who is black, just a couple days back made that comment about me to W, who relayed it me). At any rate, i often, when i am out the door before W in the morning, will set a diet soda out for her on the counter,,,so this time i planted one of the fortune cookies nearby, not so close as to be obvious i was leaving it for her, but more like someone just left it on counter that night. She took the bait like i knew she would and it went over REALLY well. She couldn't top talking to me about it for a while yesterday when she called me. Funny (got her laughing) and flirty... and it led to a pretty good open, loose, intimate conversation that carried over into dinner (I took her out to eat last night.) Patting myself on the back and thanking the good Lord for the inspiration.

The uncertain: W's phone died earlier this week (water immersion), so we took it to the repair shop because she didn't want to lose contacts, pictures, etc. from the phone. In the interim, we got her a replacement phone because repair guy said he could retrieve data but likely not save the phone. So, repair guy calls me wednesday (we gave him my number because didn't know if W would have a phone by then) and says he got the phone dried out and managed to get it powered up so he wouldn't have to charge me for the data retrieval that i could do it myself. Now, this was less urgent after W got her new phone because, as it turns out, most of her pictures and contacts were backed up to Google and downloaded automatically to new phone.So, yesterday, after leaving work early and picking up phone, i had myself with an unusual opportunity--chance to fully examine W's phone and a couple of hours to do so. On the one hand I was like "okay, supposed to be in a trusting place now" but, OTOH, she had entrusted phone(as well as the phone password) to me previously. So i checked it out, because, hey, i hadn't spot checked in a while and figured it wouldn't hurt. At any rate, found no suspicious apps and no record of any suspicious apps in the app store. Also checked her text strings. String with bff was about as expected, though bff not trashing me as much as i expected, at least recently... in fact not really at all. Even wondering if w would be "bringing me" if she came to lunch one time. As for Om, nothing recent (and i wouldve seen it on the phone bill, anyway), BUT... way down near the bottom of her texts was still the thread she had with OM dating back to Fall of 2016 and ending shortly after BD in February 2017. Was interesting because it gave me a closer look at the timeline of what happened between them-- I'd say the "line crossing" definitely started early November. Nothing really steamy (though i know W deleted a number of texts including the pics they sent back and forth) though alot of "we have so much in common" and music sernade (he plays an instrument) and other flirty stuff by OM. Im a bit troubled that it is still on there (though OM has been deleted from her contacts), though it is way, way, way down near the bottom of what is, on her phone, an extremely long history of text threads. At any rate, it's gone now (I deleted everything prior to 12 months ago-- figured she either wouldn't notice or could attribute it to phone damage). ALSO, this exchange between her and the married doctor who works at her office, which i find slightly troubling:

6:21, Dr: "Thank you, Happy Valentine's Day! [Texts were from 2/14, remember W and went out next night b/c Ash Wednesday, so she worked her normal late Wednesday til 6 or so. The "thank you" i am assuming is for some miraculous deed my wife performed in terms of billing or patient management or the like-- she's very good at her job]

6:22, W: "Thank you, ditto. Sorry if I over shared"

6:22, W Dr: "Not at all, I would be so lucky."

6:56, W: "See you tomorrow, good night"

At 6:22, W would have been walking to car or just getting into car to come home, at 6:56 she had gotten home.

There is nothing else directly "suspicious" in any of their texts, which are probably two-thirds to threee-quarters about work, with the rest being small-talk chit chat about sports or their respective kids (he has two in high school and junior high). One time he did imply that he was going to be "all alone" watching his one son at his first wrestling match because his W had to work, and my W mused that maybe she could come over to the HS and keep him company and fill him in on wrestling rules, etc, since our son wrestled, but she never did go (and, fwiw, at the time this occurred she told me about it: "Dr. _______'s son is wrestling his for the first time ever tomorrow and Mrs. Doctor can't make it and he knows nothing about wrestling... I told him maybe i should drop by and fill him in on things-- this was several months ago when W and i were in very early post-affair stage, and i did not say anything at the time or object because W quickly said she wasn't going but...)

At any rate, the "I would be so lucky" comment by the doctor in response to my W's "oversharing" troubles me. 1) It was oversharing on her part with OM that ultimately, and probably directly, led to the A with OM, and our MC has been clear about telling us this that for women emotional intimacy precedes physical intimacy and the desire therefor. 2) To me "I would be so lucky" is a veiled (or even not so veiled) flirtation. Now, W, who has consistently maintained that she and doctor are just friends which, for the time being, i believe and accept, has been historically naive about such things, never thinking that guys "want her" and always wanting to "be friends" with them without more. She would as a result be considered by many men to be a "tease". So, she would definitely not buy that that was some overture by the doctor and, in fact, has told me twice that he "definitely doesn't" have any such designs/desires.

That text exchange occurred before our MC session where we discussed the periodic after-work wine-downs involving said doctor and our counselor discussed (again) the link between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy with women, and emphasized the importance of maintaining proper boundaries, and W seemed to accept this. At any rate, she turned down a couple such invites from coworkers to stay for such wine-downs before staying for one earlier this week. (Where she told me in advance, kept me constantly updated, and only stayed for one glass then came home.

At any rate, doctor's designs definitely concern me. I know him, though we are not close, and we are friendly. I like the guy. But he is a man and my W is a beatiful woman, and i have heard some rumblings lately that his W may have a bit of a drinking problem (which is why he keeps his wine collection at his office) and that his MR may be strained.

What, if anything, should i do about this? I don't necessarily want W to know that i did a "deep dive" on her phone and, TBH, that one text string his hardly a "smoking gun" of anything nefarious going on. OTOH... boundaries are important. I think she understands that conceptually but somehow may not see the early warning signals (she maintains to this day that she is not sure exactly when she crossed the line with Om or exactly how it happened.) Do I just keep pushing her to continue the IC and hope the MC can get through to her about such things, or do i need to bring this up (as risky as it is-- and I have already brought up my concerns about this doctor generally in the guise of "Are you making sure you are maintaining proper boundaries and not, as you said happened with the OM, 'letting him in' or 'letting him get too close'?" To which W has responded "Yes, i understand"..


Oh...and i got a kiss on the lips this morning as she was leaving to go to store (I know, i know, but baby steps...)

Also, she's been like in constant contact almost, calling, texting, etc., since the "fortune cookie" gambit yesterday. I think she really liked that.




Other encouraging little tidbits:

She is once again referring to my alma mater (she went to a different college and was an athlete herself) as "We.." and "...us" with respect to sporting events, which she has not done in a loooong time.

She has started initiating very intimate conversations about anatomy, sexuality, etc.