25years mlc 10 years pass I FILE #9 LAST LAP

[25yearsmlc]

V,

I'm heading out the door with friends but wanted to say

1) no, I did NOT expect this to be read by people who know me in real life. Right or wrong, I just didn't. And for M to read my entries about M, or my marriage and all the personal things, still feels wrong.

To be clear, I'm not furious. I am Just weirded out. I see M differently but I'll give that more time, obviously.

AND

2) I'm so glad you went to EE! OMG we talk the same language.

The facilitator told me that a lot of DBers had gone, and I was pretty grateful for that. Everyone who goes, leaves feeling more clarity and that is why I went 2 weeks ago. Thank God.
I purged a lot of grief, and not just about x h. My mom had died the previous summer and that was another piece of my life that was changed. (Her death was "the first sorrow wept in life, without her.")

Once upon a time many years ago, I did EE the first time and h went later, and we bonded the most we ever did.

I'm quite certain that without it, we could not have endured medical school and the unrelenting training and the 2nd child, and my working full time as an Army lawyer, AND hurt my back, and stayed married. Yet we were in love. (Well, I was. And I choose to believe, for now, that we were a happy couple for a long time).

My T says that "of course" there are degrees of narcissism and that in Freudian terms, I was the ego versus his Id. That what appeared to be us happily married, probably was.

Over time he treated me less than well, and in hindsight I now see that he was a real jerk, off and on, since living in Alaska (a very stupid tactic of his, to be honest. Maybe he could not help himself but last year before the crapstorm, he visited the job up there and sent me a photo of a hot tub. Mind you, only a photo and no words. I ASSUME this was b/c I had wanted a hot tub when we lived there, as my back pained me and it would have allowed us to be outside for longer times and see the northern lights and it would have been a quality of life thing for me.

But when h asked me (this is when we first lived there) if I wanted an ATV for an anniversary gift (and he said this with a straight face- I said I'd much rather have a hot tub both for my back and the whole family.

He brought home the ATV anyhow and weirdly, he actually said "happy anniversary" and gave me the keys. He was nervous and that's how he behaved.

Again, it's telling that I recall that moment with such clarity. Maybe if he'd send the photo of the hot tub and SAID something like "I should have gotten this for you long ago. But they do work here!"

But nope, just a photo. I could not tell if he was flaunting something like "NOW I will have what YOU wanted up here and you will be punished for not following me here, again..."

Ambiguous.


At times I am mad at this place. I put up with far too much.

When h went back to Alaska in 2006 alone, I told my then 16D told me, that her dad was "confusing his priorities" as an explanation for the first time him going "to check out a job" (to see if HE liked it there) ---

She replied, that she did not "think Dad's confused. think he's just really selfish."

And I disagreed with her! (It's telling that I recall that moment so clearly, isn't it?)

To answer your question, as far as I know he has not sought Therapy or if he has, it's been a twisted distorted narrative. It would have to be. He certainly has NOT changed for the better and I know this based on a mutual friend who is closer to me than him. And I know this based on what he told our d20.

When confronted about the MANY years of her (D20) life that he spent commuting to work despite being able to work near home, years away from her 5/7 of the time

he told her that the home life had become "toxic" for HIM

and that is why he spent years commuting away from family. (Not sure if Schmoopie OW told him those words or a T tried to justify with him...)

But He never told me he was unhappy, not once. Never even hinted at it. Told ME that he would try to get work that provides a pension near home because "someone has to think of our financial future", which was a shaming technique he used to shut me up. Never mind our d20 then was in intensive therapy and had to withdraw from high school so that yours truly (that would be ME) could care for her and watch her and help her finish high school in some form.

Not sure what was toxic at home, that he had alienated his children and then resented it?
But when he'd come home he'd upset the routine we were forced to establish without him and he was very disruptive as he tried to regain or assert control over what we ate, when we ate, what we Did after dinner, activities were basically dictated by him.

D20 still resents how I allowed that and she struggles with our relationship b/c of that. I struggle with regrets as a mother. I do recall the tension rising when he'd be on his way home.

or maybe the word "Toxic" came up with was an after the fact rationalization to justify very neglectful and often atrocious behavior.
[i]
(And if it was so toxic, why'd he leave the kids with me? OR were THEY the toxins? Oh, how Nice to say to our d20...)

AND I'm sure it had nothing to do with prior OWs...regardless it's clear x h did not want to be a full time dad or husband for a long time but lacked the ba11's to just leave and file.

In fact when I filed, he texted me a "Wtf?" message. Like he was actually surprised that cutting off the joint accounts - while I was impaired - was not a lousy thing to do. Sheesh, this hurts to write but it's also a relief b/c you are so right about my need to RUN.

Really he did lead a double life. Surely that takes a toll on them, doesn't it?

Of course I "should" not care. I'm getting there!

Many days I feel I wasted a lot of time on him. Years of my life I cannot get back.

Waiting for the "great guy" he once was, (I think), to return. To feel that I wasted years of my life WAITING for the good guy to return, can be unbearably depressing and frustrating.

So I remind myself to not regret the time I had with my children, (= married to their dad)

and to embrace the life I now have in front of me. To live as I wish.

I will read your posts again, V. Thank you.

(((( V ))))