25years mlc 10 years pass I FILE #9 LAST LAP

[25yearsmlc]

My failings as a wife are simply not the kind you leave someone for. I loved him, I was loyal to him, I made him laugh a lot and I did not reject him or nag or criticize him.

I'd say the same about my marriage, 25. Now, from a distance, I have peace in my heart that I did everything possible to save my marriage. And most likely it was only because I WAS a good spouse that we last for 26 years. He probably could not have lasted as long with someone else.

You know, now that you word it this^^ way, I see that it is absolutely true.

First off, the OW he's with now would NOT marry a poor veterinary student, but I did.

She would not marry a struggling medical student, but I had our first child 8 weeks before he began medical school.

No, a lesser woman would not have accomplished or endured or loved nearly as much as I did. I find myself wondering if x h ever lets himself question down deep that OW marrying a double board certified physician is a helluva lot easier than what I did...which was to get him there.

IF he can even look inward, and Im not sure he can, he must know she's proving nothing good by marrying him at this stage of life.

I get mad that she will reap the benefits of my work and my sacrifices and those of our children.

But see? That^^ is the sunk cost theory and the belief that he'd "get back to normal", and then SHE will benefit from his character transplant, that kept me in the marriage too long.

Thanks for helping me remember.

(Odd story - recently I was messaging a friend I haven't seen in a long time. I told her we needed to get together for a drink, that I had a lot to tell her. (All the crazy stuff that's gone on in the last year is what I was thinking about. ) Her husband is very good friends with my ex and the first words that popped out of her mouth were "Oh, is your ex getting divorced?"
Still makes me wonder - if friends of theirs think that's a possibility now, doesn't seem like the odds of them lasting 26 years together are very good, )

You did your very best, 25. This isn't about you but about him and his weakness. We got the best years out of our men and anyone coming after gets our leftovers and has to compete with our shadow,

First off, the anecdote is interestingly telling and sad.

We all want karma. We all want to know when it's going to be fair. I try to remind myself that the "fairness equation" is NOT about what he is doing or getting, but about what I'm getting for myself and what I'm discovering for myself.

On my "off" days, (which are fewer, thank God) I will try to remember the goodness within^^^ about myself.


Thank you.

I guess hearing that there are wedding plans being made, did hurt. Even though I ASSUMED it, hearing it said out loud is different.

Ironically, I find that now that I am divorced, I am less interested in committing to a relationship with anyone. In other words, now that I'm free and out of the crapstorm, I'm not feeling the need, which makes me wonder a lot of things.

I know that making me the enemy and cause of all x h's ills, unites him and OW. (Because it partly united me and M). Now that it's over, I feel like i can take a breath & look around.



Oh so the guy I am dating, M,
told me he inadvertently stumbled upon this site and read some of my posts.

(The explanation he had, made sense, to an extent. It involved a testimonial I gave about the workshop I've mentioned attending, which I've posted here. Some DBers have attended. So there was a cross reference, and he read it and realized it was me. He confessed that he then read on...)

I told M that it freaked me out that he read my posts, once he knew it was me.

He claims that he was so surprised at what I'm willing to disclose "in public" that he actually brought it up to his T. His T suggested he just ask me, (though I'm not sure what there is to ask. )

Seriously, is it Why do I disclose so much? Um, b/c it's anonymous, that's why! And b/c I am an open person and want input from others who are like me, or are going thru something like I am.

This may be a "public forum" but I don't share my name here. For ME, this is like a diary in which I involve other anonymous people who also share and disclose things we would likely NOT share or disclose with our names attached.

I felt violated and I told him so. (It really turned me off and I'm still processing it.)

He promises not to read this anymore, and I mostly believe him.

Is it weird to think reading these violates boundaries? Yeah the boundaries are unspoken b/c I did not know anyone would figure out who I am AND THEN read more. It's not something I had ever thought of, other than worrying on occasion about xh.

M read some of what I wrote about him, which felt very weird. I mean, not just a violation but almost creepy.

I disclose a lot and I'm very open IRL anyhow. X H was less open (oh, and also a liar) and M is an introvert.

I am not all that crazy about introverts lately. Seems to me that disclosure is what builds intimacy. (That's why telling co-workers or others, private things about your spouse is so Uncool to me.)

X H sort of had a double life, I think. Man, he must have really put things in compartments and over time, that just does something to you, doesn't it?

I am so open and assumed that if you said nothing to me about a problem, you did not have a problem. To hear what x says now, (the little I hear) is as if he was miserable for years and he told my BIL, "this was coming for a long time."

Oh, really?? Gosh, I SURE WISH I HAD KNOWN that, you a$$*(&%. Did not get that memo. And I'd have cut him loose a long time ago if that were the case.

okay okay...no point in revisiting that...EXCEPT to say that I'm not that comfortable with introverts and discovering that M read my posts even knowing they were private. He commented on how much I disclose -- so why keep reading the posts if you think I'm so open that I'm revealing myself too much?

Does that make sense?

Anyhow, thanks for the feedback KML.

Not sure why x's likely remarriage hit me hard today (when I heard it) but I had awakened to a nightmare about him in front of me, with some OW. In it, he seemed to think I had really let myself go.

BTW, I have lost the FEW lbs I had struggled with while with xh.

it's ironic b/c when married to x, and being gluten free and all the rest of that rigid PALEO PALEO PALEO stuff he so imposed on all of us, and the Bataan death marches he called walks...

it was a lot harder to lose.

So I am actually looking better than I have in years. Oh, the irony.

Elle, again, thank you. I needed to remind myself of these crazy mean things xh did to remind myself that "losing him" to Alaska or OW, is not an actual loss to me.

Thanks for reading this tome of mine.