Well last night I tried something a little different, with not entirely unpredictable results. Even though we just ML Sunday night, I decided I would try to initiate again last night. At lunchtime and again when she picked me up from work, W was complaining of a sore throat, due to allergies, but didn't show signs of coughing or sneezing and her voice was fine (no "frog in throat" or hoarseness) and she also seemed in good spirits. I did consider holding off because of the sore throat, but for one thing I had the sense that if it was choir practice night she'd be going to practice (where she's expected to sing), plus I was reminded that her parents are coming for a visit Thursday, so I decided to make my move and see what happened. I went into it expecting to be refused, but hoping otherwise. In the past I would have just "assumed" she was not available for sex, and avoided initiating, but this time I decided to try, and actually find out.
At 9:00 we were watching a special on TV (Dick Van Dyke retrospective), which we were both greatly enjoying, and she was in a good mood - talkative, joking, laughing, etc. So there was a point where a joke was made (by me or her, I can't remember) that was somewhat double-entendre-ish, and I said "Speaking of which, I would very much like to ML with you tonight." I can't remeber her exact response, and she didn't say "no" outright, in fact her response seemed to be affirmative, but after that she was a LOT quieter, and I could tell she was tense. We spent the rest of the evening watching TV, and at bedtime she said (in a whiny sort of voice) "Can we make it tomorrow night? I'm really tired." So I let it go at that.
So now I'm starting to see a pattern emerging. It'll be interesting to see if we end up ML tonight, but the pattern so far seems to be that whenever I try to initiate, she defers it to another night. I have not yet been able to initiate successfully even once. I also have to be very direct when trying to initiate, I have to specifically state my desire - she will not pick up on "vibes" or interpret cuddling and kissing to mean I'm trying to initiate. That means I have to make myself vulnerable, and be willing to "put myself out there". However, when I'm doing this, I'm not "being needy", and I'm not begging - I'm simply stating my desire to ML with her on a particular evening. I'm also no longer taking these refusals as a personal rejection, which means I have no need to get unduly upset or overreactive about it. I had already at least half-expected we wouldn't ML last night, so I was already prepared for that, and it didn't wound me. I do plan, however, to discuss with her as soon as is practical that I am going to continue initiating, and I will expect eventually to be successful at it, and that I am going to initiate on my schedule, not hers. I will no longer be waiting around wondering if "she is ready", I will be finding out. I am all about pushing the boundaries at this point, since if I don't do that, how will I find out where the "true" boundaries are?
Another thing I did the other night - my youngest sister separated from her H of 14 years about 2 months ago, and I finally got up the courage to email her and tell her about PM. I told her a bit about my own sitch, so she'd know I'm talking from personal experience, but I first got her promise not to share that info with *anyone*. She hasn't replied yet... time will tell whether she'll go for it or not. I let her know that even though they are separated, it is definitely not too late to save her marriage, if that is what she decides she wants. They have a DD9, so hopefully she'll decide to give it a try.
