25years mlc 10 years pass I FILE #9 LAST LAP

[25yearsmlc]

Hi AS,

Thanks for the visit.

This is NOT a linear process.

I have seen or written that^^^^^ hundreds of times around here, but today I FEEL it again.

Had a rough night with bad dreams that woke me up, hurt & angry. And then I heard rumors of a pending marriage with xh and OW (OW#2 or 3 or #50??).

And dang it, it still hurts. It still wounds.

So I'm taking 2 steps forward, one back. I felt detached from the divorce when I learned of it, felt pretty solidly that x h's behavior reflected on HIM, not me. His fooling me did not make me the fool, but made him a really lousy jerk.

Yes, I do have my moments of doubt there^^. And they stink. But usually I'm pretty certain it's true. Meaning, I mostly think and feel that this is on him. My failings as a wife are simply not the kind you leave someone for. I loved him, I was loyal to him, I made him laugh a lot and I did not reject him or nag or criticize him. (In fact, I'm still a bit stunned that he'd choose a place or OW over me. I think the inexplicability may have made this harder.)

Pardon the immodesty, but I'm objectively more attractive than OW, I'm definitely smarter and funnier than OW, I'm far more educated, and we have so much shared history.

But I did not want to live in Alaska again, full time. That was my "flaw."

If I had gone with him, a part of me would have died and that's not me being melodramatic; it would mean that my position on x h's priority list was so low that it would be staring me in the face every day. I would not have been happy anywhere, knowing he did not place value on MY wants and needs if they did not align with his.

Even after 35 years of putting him first, all the moves, all the long hours he worked away from our family, all the promises of TIME to enjoy life "later"

after the next shiny object was attained...and yet he did not want to repay that. He felt no obligation to reciprocate...

So again, I remind myself that this grieving process is not linear. I'm feeling hurt at the moment, but I'll feel better again.

AS, wow, I so understand the feelings of relief about it being done. (Though of course, it's not quite "done" b/c he STILL has not sent the money for the settlement.) So he holds me up, again. Delays MY new life beginning, again.

And For the life of me, I don't understand why there is not a certain date. As opposed to "within 30 days of when the funds are available." WHAT?? When is THAT???)

SO not delighted with my L's...

ANYHOW

this (below) is what I try to remember at moments like these:

1) that x h - whatever he "really feels/wants/needs" is a man capable of cruelty to me and to our children.

2) no indication of change, as he is incapable of giving what we deserve & need, and that I mistakenly stayed with him based on his potential as a spouse, not his actuality.

3) best course of action for me is to get out of his target range for protection; AND

4) to turn this pain and feeling of rejection, over to God.

Schmoopie (OW) gets to have the source of so much pain in my life, from x h. That's the karma I know about.

I am Reminding myself of my worth. Our children & I deserve better than x h can give.


I tell myself these^^ things b/c I believe that "where the head goes, the heart will follow."

It helps.

Thanks for listening.