New beginnings

[focus22]

It's nothing I can prove Holding. Also because it was all a good while ago now.

I was aware that they were treating me with kid gloves in the immediate aftermath.

I think enough time has passed now for them to get rid of me without any potential comeback from me.

I was asked to do a Saturday night shift with a couple of days notice. I explained that I was away on holiday at the time of the email. I was told it was that shift or nothing.

I was sent a further availability to complete for the next month, which I sent back on time.

I was then told that I was going to be let go because I hadn't made myself available for that Saturday night shift.

Ever since the court case I've had the feeling that my manager really can't stand me. I also do his job on a freelance basis for some very well known companies, so I think that probably annoys him as well. He's got a bit of an edge to him, if you know what I mean.

[focus22]

I'm absolutely amazed...I got an answer from the payroll department the next day. So I get my holiday pay with my last payslip at the end of March. That's a relief.

My own work is going great. I've got two commissions to work on (which I'll start next week), for two very lovely clients. They're just incredibly appreciative people, kind and gentle too, and I'm going to really enjoying working on their commissions.

One of my other freelance jobs has email to say they've overpaid me. It's gone backwards and forwards a bit, as they've just said they've overpaid me by a certain amount, without explaining how.

Anyway, I think I've got to the bottom of it, although it did take a good couple of hours of my time, which I'm a bit annoyed about. They didn't pay me any of my weekly invoices for three months, and then paid them in chunks without telling me which ones they were paying me, and they ended up paying one twice.

I'm not sure how it stands legally. If it's their mistake, then can they ask for it back from me?

I might let it go this time, but I'm thinking I might join a union, just because I feel a bit vulnerable working for this company. I don't really trust the guy I'm working for. There have been a few instances where he's made mistakes but passed the blame onto me and made it my responsibility. It's been in small ways, but I clocked them straight off, and I'm really not too keen on that sort of behaviour. He also likes to give 'life lessons', about positive attitude and good vibes and all that. I do believe in that, but I really don't want to be lectured about it. I'd rather someone led by example.

Anyway, I was back working for him last night, on reduced hours, responsibility and wage, which I was a bit upset about. But I'll take the money and just leave the role off my CV as I don't need to include it with all the experience I've had working freelance at this job. I was aware that I went through a sort of grief process with this job over the past couple of months. I loved working there in my old role: it was a freelance position which was basically mine. I was very good at it, having years of experience working for some amazing companies, and I had the feeling that I was helping shape the business in a very positive way.

Start of January, I get an email out of the blue saying that all the work he'd asked me to do in January was cancelled (this at the last minute, too late for me to find other work for January and, as it turned out February too), my role didn't exist any more, but I was welcome to apply for one of the new roles he had created and to interview for that.

So after being shocked, upset and angry I rehashed my CV and sent it over to him with a genuinely positive email saying that I would love to apply for one of the new roles. Hear nothing back at all.

Then one of the other freelancers requests that I be brought back in. How cool is that?!! So I'm doing one of the new positions, for less hours and less money (and less responsibility).

Anyway, last night I was immediately aware of a few different things he was breaking the law on. Which is why I should be relieved about having less responsibility than before...

[focus22]

I've become aware of the need to process things (external events, other people's actions) in a way that has the least impact on my life as possible.

It's hard, I know that I'm a very emotional person, and I absolutely need to live through things wholeheartedly to be able to process them and then free myself from them. So I find it difficult.

But maybe there's a way of honouring who I am and at the same time keeping myself upright in the process?

I've also become aware that I need to stop myself from jumping to the worst possible conclusion. And then getting defensive and angry. I've seen myself do that a number of times over the past couple of years, and I feel like it's not doing me any favours. It's not a positive reaction and it's not helping.

And then from that, I need to stop the negative internal chat. I've caught myself doing that a few times, and the cost of that sort of chat on me and my life is way too high.

In fact, it was realising that I needed to stop the negative internal chat that lead me to realise that I need to stop jumping to the worst possible case scenarios.

There we go. Not bad realisations to come out of the past couple of months.

[focus22]

Oh my heavens! So, so proud of myself!!

Was on the verge of emailing and saying I would pay what they said I owed, but emailed the accountant back and forwards (it took an hour), and it actually turns out that they owe me!!

I was the epitome of politeness and gratefulness towards the accountant who took time to explain what invoices had been paid and when. I completely ignored her trying to pass the buck onto me for the way it's all unfolded (much in the same way that he tries to pass the buck when he makes a mess) and just concentrated on the facts.

And it paid off!!

It's going to make a big difference, along with my holiday pay from my other job, to what's coming in at the moment!!

[focus22]

And relief...I got some commissions and an offer of some work for a couple of weeks in June.

I've been really focussing on drawing work to me using the law of attraction since the start of the year. I've been quite particular about the work that I'm after and the sort of people I want to be working with and for. I'm still very much testing the waters with this, and at the very early stages of it, but it seems to be working so far and I'm hugely relieved at the moment.

I feel like the next stage is that I need to go beyond the sheer relief to finding the joy in it. That's where I want to be. I've a little bit to go though before getting there.

Perhaps gratitude is my answer to this too? Finding gratitude in what's been offered to me so far? Living in the moment while I'm doing it?

And what a wonderful weekend I had with the man I'm now with. It felt very, very relaxed. He took me out for dinner on Saturday evening and we had a very lovely chat. He really opened up about a few things that are important to him, and ways of seeing these things that he's never really considered before, but that I floated to him a while back (and my coincidentally mum mentioned a week or so ago as well).

I really enjoy coming up with ideas, throwing them out to people and seeing which ones they pick up on and gravitate towards. I don't feel particularly bound by the thought of any sort of societal constraints, and like to see where my thoughts and ideas take me.

I don't mean that I would ever transgress someone's own values and boundaries. It's really pretty important to me to honour those. It's more like I'm interested in seeing what thoughts, ideas and possibilities spark a little magic and life (both in myself and others).

Well, I think we started a conversation on Saturday night which is going to unfold over a good, long while and it's going to be a journey of discovery, and self discovery.

I don't think his XW ever saw this side of him, or understood it. From what he says, she was very driven by outward appearances (doing things 'right') and the ambition to better herself and their family financially, materially and socially. I think he found that all a bit suffocating in the end and as a consequence, he ended up finding her quite controlling (right down to very small details).

There's a huge part of him which is very passionate, wild and free (and I absolutely love this part of him). Of course, now that his children are both adults, he has more time and personal space to explore this side of his nature than when they were younger, and they were all still a family unit.

He's giving me the space and time to really own myself, for what feels like the first time ever in my life. I don't feel like I'm overshadowed, or upstaged (albeit willingly upstaged, the way that I was with XH). I feel like I'm able to inhabit my own self and space...

We'll see what happens, but it feels really good. It feels like there is lots of room for both of us to explore, and play and grow, as individuals and together.

It also feels like companionship. And this is a new thing for me, as I don't think I had it in my M. That felt more like we were two individuals, with not much negotiating happening in the middle. There wasn't the softness there is now, with this man. It didn't feel there was anything safe for me to let myself go for, and to let myself fall into in my M. This is all a complete revelation to me.

[focus22]

So, I've been working very hard on positive visualisation.

I would like more work to come my way (my own work) and had visualised a couple of events that I could hold in the space I rent. One is smaller scale and easier to organise than the other. I was going for the smaller scale one.

One of my closest industry friends calls up yesterday to say her car has broken down very near where I rent my workspace and do I want to meet up. She comes round, absolutely loves my space, and we go for a chat. She mentions the second, larger scale idea that I had thought of.

We plan it all out (and another project as well) in a very short space of time.

I've checked with the owners of the space and they're happy with both ideas. So they're both happening.

Last night I put on a guided meditation for accepting love into your life. I fall asleep listening to it. And this morning I wake up feeling incredibly refreshed (after only 6 hours sleep) and very positive and at ease with myself.

I am still slightly short of the target I set myself for the big business venture that I took part in at the end of February. I'm going to visualise more work coming my way from that, and ask for it in April. I would love to get to that target.

More and more I'm working on the principle that you act and behave like the person you're striving to become.

[Vanilla]

Yeah focus!

Visualisation with action.

Please don't forget the self care.........

V

[Dawn70]

More and more I'm working on the principle that you act and behave like the person you're striving to become.

Love, love, LOVE this! I may have to look into what you are saying about the positive visualization. Sounds like a very good thing. And I second what V said about self care.

[focus22]

Guys, I could really do with some congratulations here.

I know this isn't a big thing for most people, but for me this is pretty huge.

It does back a good few years to just after my gran had died, when I was still with XH. Things were big league unravelling between us (unbeknownst to me). But clearly my body was picking things up and started to go into stress overdrive.

XH and I went away for a short break together. On our way back, a bit of the back of one of my front teeth chipped off.

Unknown to me, I had been grinding my teeth at night. It later became so bad that I chipped more off the back of my two front teeth (so you could eventually see it from the front, like a sort of discoloured, darker patch in the middle of my two front teeth), I also cracked two fillings and cracked a molar.

Anyway, the dentist has just fixed the chipped bits of the back of my my front teeth. So they look totally normal again.

I know it's not much, but I find going to the dentist really, really difficult. I had the shakes really badly today (I've only just got back). My whole body was shaking quite badly throughout. It was making the chair and light shake as well.

But I've done it.

And fixing them has made them stronger as well. They're no longer damaged, so I no longer have the worry of them.

It's probably also the adrenalin, but I feel like crying.

I'm going to have a hot bath to try and come round a bit. And then go to bed for a couple of hours and watch some makeup and clothes YouTube videos.

Then I'll see how I feel and if I want to go to the gym for a bit.

[doodler]

Meal a naidheachd!