First post, need someone to listen

[AnotherStander]

InFocus, first let me say this place is to help people become the best they can be, and unfortunately that often means we have to hit people with "truth darts" and 2x4's and it's not always pleasant for them. And this post my friend, is not going to be a walk through a field of daisies for you. But I think you need more of a wake-up call then you seem to have gotten so here it goes:

You are a broken man. You have wronged your wife in so many ways that it frankly boggles my mind. And now you want to throw the world's biggest pity party for poor little you. Buddy it's time for you to man up. OWN what you did. I don't mean sit around crying in front of everyone over how bad you've been (all while watching to see if they see you, and what their reaction is, right??), I mean DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Get in IC right away. Do 180's on ALL of your bad behavior. Accept that your wife is WAY better off without you (because right now, she is) and LET HER GO. Now let's break down some of your comments:

I've been going to my wife to ask and explain our situation and it's not been helping.

What exactly do you want her to "explain"? Are you unclear on how bad of a H you've been to her?

For a good portion of that early relationship, we were long distance. Writing letters, long calls, the heart wants what it can't have. At this time, I did see other people, my wife did not.

So even early on there was this pattern of her being loyal and you doing whatever you wanted.

Lots of mistakes are adding up. It's like you can't avoid it being together so long.

Oh yes, you can absolutely avoid it. You have to WORK at defusing tense situations and avoiding/ managing conflict in a long-term marriage. You need to quit trying to convince yourself that bad behavior is OK and "just happens" in a long-term M.

After about 4 years, my wife decided she was no longer in love with me due to my gaming addiction and lack of attention. She wasn't a priority. She let me know after I got back from a trip that she was moving out. So abrupt, had already gotten a place. No notice. I'm hurt, angry, but I knew that I had a problem gaming and quit.

YOU were hurt and angry?? How do you think SHE felt? Probably abandoned and betrayed. Does that matter to you at all, what SHE felt? Do you devote any time to contemplating that?

She moved out. I was lost. Angry, hurt. I did all the wrong things the first month. Pleading, angry, struggled with feelings of betrayal.

Angry? Feelings of betrayal? YOU are not the victim here, SHE is!!!!!

One day I came upon Divorce Busting. I focused on myself, GAL, followed divorcebusting 180 rules, and kept up hope - showed her my best, tried to prove that I could grow from that. Long story short, the fire was re-kindled, fell back in love. I was at a place of complete peace with getting back together or moving on with my life and I took the jump to get back with her. Life was good again. Beautiful light shone on both of us.

Well it's great that you were able to turn things around thanks to DB'ing, but you can't go right back to old habits, the DB changes are for LIFE. But not only did you go back to old habits, you picked up some nasty new ones.

That escalated. DUIs. Late nights, no calls, no texts. Probably occurred every other week on Fridays. Just became a thing for me. I wasn't there for her again. The more hurt she felt, the more she pulled back, protected herself, rejected me. I was spiraling. Searching for that out drinking and taking her for granted again. It was wrong, I know.

She didn't reject you, you rejected her. Again, you are trying to paint yourself as a victim here but she is the victim. You abused her emotionally.

I eventually had an incident at a strip club where I let a lapdance go too far, oral sex ensued. I didn't let her finish, but guilt drove me to tell my wife. She didn't leave me, didn't file for divorce, she forgave me without a second thought.

"Didn't let her finish", do you seriously think that makes a difference? You must or you wouldn't have said it. What you did is have sex with another woman. Not only that, but with some skank in a sleezy strip club. That is an absolutely disgusting act. Your wife may have forgiven you, but that is something she will never forget (as well she shouldn't).

I'm gambling, I'm drinking, I've cheated - not a full blown affair, but it's bad.

"Not a full blown affair", are you trying to convince us or yourself that what you've been doing isn't "that" bad? You betrayed and abandoned her, let's not try to plant flowers around this, it's as bad as it gets.

I'm "emotionally abusive" one night after a night of fighting in the car in front of the kids. I call her the "b" word. She hits me, slaps me, spits in my eye. I deserve it.

I'm certainly not going to defend what she did, that was terrible. But you calling her the B word in front of the kids is indefensible as well.

I'm not sure how I let it get here. Why I did all of that. I regret it all, apologized profusely. Spent the last month trying to turn it all around, be better, prove myself. Too late.

A month of changed behavior after years of abusive behavior is nothing. I think what you are trying to do is change for a while hoping you can get her back so that things can go "back to normal" and you can resume abusing her and living your partying lifestyle of bars and strip clubs. What you need to do is BECOME A DIFFERENT PERSON. You need to do it for you and your kids. The byproduct of it will be that she EVENTUALLY (a year or more from now) will see that you really have changed and that it's not just tricks to get her back, and she may very well become attracted again to that DIFFERENT you. But you have a lot of work to do in the meantime. What is your game-plan for becoming different? Right now you remind me of the addicts on those intervention shows that cry and show remorse and talk about how they are going to change everything from now on (all while still high from their last hit) and it lasts anywhere from hours to a few days before they revert right back to old habits. Talk is cheap. Change requires a LOT of hard work.

I'm needy, I want more, I want touch, love. I'm a weak person. She is the rock of our family.

And how can you turn it around and go from being weak and needy to being the rock for your kids?

I cry opely about my situation. More controlling behavior according to her.

I think she's right. You are controlling and manipulative and even now you are using your grief displays to try to guilt her into returning. You know what I did after BD? I would cry all the way on my long commute to work, then cry all the way home. I would pull it together in the driveway, walk in the house and say hello to my W and kids, ask everyone how their day went, then go in the bedroom to change clothes, lock the door, go in the closet and cry some more. Do you see the difference there? My family never saw me cry. Even though I felt like I was going to die, I never stopped being the rock for my kids. WHY ARE YOU CRYING IN FRONT OF THEM? Be honest with yourself, dig deep.

Words kill us and any chance at us. Yet we continue to " try for the kids".

No, words did not get you here. Your actions did.

At this point, the light has come on. I am done trying to fix myself or this situation.

You are done trying to fix yourself? Then I feel so sorry for your wife, your kids and any other woman that ever comes into your life after your wife finally gets smart and divorces you. You are a hot mess, your ONLY goal right now should be to fix yourself.

I am a good father at the very least and that will be my path for now.

Based on what you've posted here I'm not sure that's the case.

I also realized...this is not about me. This about her. Her feelings are ber own. I have no say, I can only witness and stand up for my own self respect, regardless of my mistakes.

It actually is about you and your abusive, controlling, manipulative behavior. It's about your bad habits. It's about the fact that you talk about everything you've done wrong and then play it down, and cap it off by talking about "self respect" when you should have absolutely none.

I recently went out with family, had some drinks, came home and pressured her for affection. I drink still and have comitted to doing it less and staying out of the wrong situations like bars, etc.

You've committed to doing it LESS???? What about NOT AT ALL?

I keep making mistakes. But I refuse to let that bring me down or cripple me. I am human. We all are. While I have made mistakes, it is on me to fix myself how I see fit.

Listen, you have got to stop all this feel-good BS talk. Your goal isn't to fix yourself how you "see fit", it is to stop all your crappy behavior and become a different person. Quit drinking, quit abusing people, quit lying, controlling and manipulating. Don't excuse it all away as "oh I'm human, I make mistakes now and then" because that is a cop-out.

So what are YOU going to do TODAY to become the spouse only a fool would leave?