Need advice, please

[sandi2]

Did you and your current W discuss the living arrangements before your M her? In other words, did you make it very clear how you were going to split your time staying in another state to live with children from your previous M? Was she aware that your plans were to maintain the house in the other state and not sell it until those kids were grown?

I don't know the ages of your other children, or the age of your current W. maybe you could put this in your signature line. My point in the previous paragraph is that if your current W did not fully understand the conditions of the proposed MR, and/or if she is very young......I can see how it would be very difficult on her. And, even if she knew in advance, the strain of two small children that close together, and step-children too, may just be more than she could handle. She has two small children, her H is gone most of the time, either on the road working....or living in his house in a another state with his other children. You feel you are doing the best you can by both sets of children. However, I suspect your W feels cheated and feels her small kids are being cheated. Whatever the cause, you have to find a solution......b/c this is not working. You certainly don't need to get a D and marry again and have another family by a third W. Your hands are more than full, now.

Has your first W remarried? How is your R with her? Is she dependent or needy on your help? Is she contacting you a lot about the kids and needing you to help her with something? Does the first W still reside in the house you own in the other state? I mean, do you have a separate house from your first W in the other state? B/c if you are visiting your children in the same house your first W is living........then that can cause all kinds of problems with the current W.

Are your current W's parents able to work or help with the finances while living with her? I'm just wondering why they live with her. Is it a large house? She probably needs their support, since you are gone so much........if they are not a source of contention.

I think you have gotten yourself into a situation that won't have an answer that makes everyone happy. You are basically trying to live a double life. You have two families in two separate states. If I was the young mother of your two babies, I would probably feel that me and my kids were cheated. Even if you told her before M how you would have to split your time with the other children.........it doesn't prevent resentment and jealousy after she has her own children. If there's ever a time a woman needs to feel that she and her offsprings take priority in the man's life.......it is when she is home with babies/toddlers.

You seriously need legal advice, if you own property in another state, and your current W is threatening D. And also, if she is using breast-feeding a 1 1/2 yr old, to keep you from him. Working mothers use a breast pump, so I don't know that nursing would hold up as an excuse to keep a child from his father. I've noticed you often make reference to the nursing (or maybe it's the other H with a breast-feeding W...... ). At any rate, the child is not a new born, and in a case of separation......your lawyer should be able to get you equal visitation.

The update that she has relented and will let you stay in her house a few more days, is good.......I think. Does that mean she'll share her bed with you, or will you just be visiting? In a sense, she may feel that has been the setup or arrangement since the beginning........that it's more like you drop in to visit. Most women need a full time H and father to their children, so seeing you leave to go stay in another state with the other children could really wear on her emotional/mental well being. It would be challenging on a more mature woman.

I may stand alone here, but I don't think your current W owes anything to your other children. The very best scenario is for a step-mother to love those children much like her own and to be good to them. The older the children are when the family blends.......and the terms......often determine the relationship between the children and step-parents. Of course, there are many other factors involved, too. But I'm trying to say that once your current W had her own children, and watched their father leave them to go stay with his first family.......it could cause resentment, even in the heart of a loving woman. If you place guilt on your current W about your older children and her lack of "mothering" them......that's a big mistake. I may have missed something that you've told the oldest one, but if you have not been honest (age appropriate) about step-mom........then that is on you. What are the ages of your two oldest kids?

The only issue is that if I tell my eldest kids, they will tell my ex, who would cause a lot of strife for me because my ex dislikes me and my W.

Ah........well, that speaks volumes, right there! Strife between the first and second W.

I know I can’t avoid it if we actually D, but for now, I am concerned about making a mountain out of a molehill if we wind up reconciling.

Well again, it depends on the age of your oldest child, as to how much you reveal. You don't want them worrying and crying over the possibility of losing their step-mom.

I also think it is hard that my eldest will ask why they can’t spend time with my W’s nieces and parents whom they are also close to.

In one post, you said it was a three hour flight to the other state. So, have you taken your oldest children to the state of your current W to visit? How often?

Yes, you may be worrying about this ^^^^^^^^^ prematurely.

IDK, but I rather doubt your W is having a MLC. I think she is very unhappy about the state of her MR. PPD is very likely. Her hormones could be out of whack, but blood work would determine those results. I don't know how much one on one time she had with you without some kids or family members around. IMHO, it is very important to the health of any MR to have time alone with each other. I realize you want to see your children with your current W, but it might help to get her away from the house for a couple of hours without the kids. Plan something for just the two of you. Nothing too romantic, but somethin causual.....like a picnic or something that removes her from her regular environment for a while, and it's just the two of you. Don't discuss the M issues. Act as if you are getting acquainted with her. Don't talk about your other kids or your life in the other state. Don't put guilt or any type of emotional pressure on her. Just make it a pleasant time, and take her home when she's ready to go.


If you feel having a DB coach helped the M to reconcile the last time, why not call them again?