Well, another interesting bedtime conversation last night. That was when it had to happen, because the evening was just too crazy, and W never gave me the opportunity to talk with her earlier. Actually, that's almost half true. I did have opportunity, but couldn't make myself start it. For instance, there was at least one time while watching TV that I could have said something, but I didn't - chickened out I guess. I just couldn't think of a way to begin that wouldn't sound like I was trying to start a fight.
Anyway, like I said, the evening was very busy. S12 had a softball game from 6-8:15 (we WON!!), and when we got home from that, DD20 had to be picked-up at the mall, then there was a small lag till S18 got home from his band practice, but during that time W was flitting around the house doing laundry and such. The "opportunity" didn't come until at least 10:30, and I let it pass.
So as we were saying goodnight, I drew out the goodnight kissing into a longer-than-usual kissy-cuddly time, but there were no pretensions at anything more involved - I had made my normal bedtime provisions which include gluing my eyes shut with a mild saline ointment because of a condition I have, so LM was definitely not in the cards, but I wanted to make the goodnight kissing as sensual, loving and even erotic as I could. I was basically trying to slow things down, so we could feel each other, and increase the emotional connection. So after a few minutes of what I experienced as a very nice time with as much intimacy as is possible with eyes closed, I said "Tell me what you're feeling right now."
W: "Well, kind of tense, because I'm not clean, and DD20 is out (she went out late in the evening), and it's just not the right time for this kind of thing - the whole day was very busy, etc."
So I pointed out that I had not been touching her genitals or her breasts, and even though I had lightly brushed her rear with my fingers once or twice, I was demonstrably not trying to have sex with her, I was just trying to increase the emotional connection with her. I pointed out that even though the day and early evening had been busy and hectic, we had had some time to relax and take it easy, and DD20 had gone out by herself (a friend picked her up) and was getting home on her own, so she was not going to intrude on our time. W said that the past couple of weeks she has felt off-balance with me (good!!) and isn't sure how to respond to me anymore. She said she's trying to read the book, but she hasn't gotten much farther in the past 2 weeks (she's currently on page 89 or so, and she's been at about the same point for at least a week). She was basically asking me to slow down and give her some space, give her some time, let her work things out. I said (calmly) that I wasn't content to do that anymore, and that if we had to always wait for the perfect time, we'd be waiting forever. So I said that I will be initiating sex more often, and that I expect to be successful at least a good portion of the time. Not every time, but more often than not. And I will not be waiting to see if it's the "perfect time", but I will initiate when I feel we should ML. W said that, for instance, if DD20 is out with friends, she doesn't feel she could ML, because she'd be expecting DD20 might call at any time, etc., and I replied that as far as I'm concerned, it's time for us to unhook our love life from what the kids are doing, so I do not buy any such premise that just because DD20 is out we can't ML. In fact, to me, that just makes it better, because there's one less kid in the house to worry about.
I said, in so many words, that whether she reads the book or not, I'm going to be changing the way I approach our M, and changing the way I look at things, and that these changes will, by definition, change our R. I said I hoped that these changes will be positive, and that if she's willing to work with me on this, I'm sure the outcome will be, but I also said I expect her to be uncomfortable at first, and that this is normal, it's just part of the process. I also pointed out that our 25th anniversary is coming up in just 2 months (less, even), and that I want to really have something to celebrate, and that the way things have been going, if that continues there won't be much of anything to celebrate.
That's pretty much the gist of it, except that I also said I felt during the past week or two that I've been doing all the work, and that I need her to work on this also. I said I felt she is basically avoiding me, filling her time with "busy work" so she wouldn't have to deal with me. I wasn't showing anger or anything, I wasn't feeling that either - I was just speaking very matter-of-factly, and showing her just where my boundaries lie. This morning things between us are still light and easy, no signs of underlying tension or anything.
I think the answer at this point to the difference between my experience of this past week and hers, is that so far she still "just doesn't get it". She's still operating on the old premise. The place where she is in the book is just where Schnarch is talking about the quantum model of sexual response, so I'm planning to open a discussion on that sometime today, and draw the connection between that and what I've been trying to do this past week.
