New LBS, not sure if he's having LMC

[meg24]

I have read and re-read BluWave's post, as well as her thread about her piecing. The piecing thread really hit home. She talks about what I've been feeling... do I even want to be with H again, after who he's become and what he's done? But then, yes, he has been abducted by aliens right now.

Every since the blowup Sunday evening, I have done so much more deep reflection than I imagined possible. I dove deep into severe self doubt.... did I really shut H out of my emotions, stop giving everything I had given him previously, like he says I did? I still can't answer this one. But I can't change history. Not meeting his needs of affection and affirmation, which leads to him not meeting my needs of doing things for me. We each did for the other what we wanted done for ourselves. We both failed to speak the other's love language.

We both contributed to the downfall of our M. I don't blame him for my behavior, or lack thereof. My shutting him out emotionally, and pulling back on affection, etc., that is all me. Only I am responsible for my actions

Just as I am responsible for my actions now, only I am responsible for my feelings now.

I will not let H make me feel like everything I do is wrong, I will not let H make me feel like our sitch is all because of me.

Don't get me wrong, he does tell me that he had a hand in getting here too. But I often wonder if he just says that, and says that he's the a?&hole for doing this, so that I will "fall on the sword". He is a master manipulator, after all.

I don't like who H is right now. Can I ever be willing to be with that H again, even in a "new" MR? Only time will tell.