Slipping or making mistakes while doing LRT or rules or guidelines or whatever involves Detaching is normal and expected. After all, we are human. I believe that the easiest and most common way to get off track is to reattach, so to speak when S shows some response to previously mentioned measures.
So my question is, is there any good advice on getting back on track DETACHING after slipping from ones intended path?
A way to resume when you warm up to S's reaction to your 180 etc.
I would argue that if you "reattach" then you were never really detached in the first place. Detachment isn't a switch that you flip on and off. It happens very slowly and over a long period of time. I would say it takes over a year to well and truly detach. I think we can convince ourselves we are detached after 3 or 6 months. But assuming we're talking about a 10+ year relationship with kids then it just doesn't happen that fast, we're just fooling ourselves. If you had asked me if I was detached at 6 months I would have told you "yes". If you had asked me after a year I would have laughed and said, "No, I was nowhere close to being detached at 6 months, but I am now!" Then after a year and a half same thing. But at each of those points I really DID think I was detached. With the benefit of experience and hindsight I know now I was not really detached until about that year-and-a-half mark (and just barely there), and I see a lot of people here early in their sitches trying to talk themselves into it as well.
Detachment is when you've accepted your sitch fully, and accepted that your old life is gone, and accepted that you have a "new normal" and that you are going to be fine no matter what happens to your M. It's not "giving up", it's "letting go". Once you fully get there then recon suddenly looks a whole lot different to you. If your wife came back today and said "I am so sorry, I was wrong, let's move back in together and act like none of this ever happened" would you high five her, thank your lucky stars and start moving her back in?
-OR-
Would you say "well we need to sit down and talk about this, I am not sure that's really a good idea but I'm willing to discuss it." And would you start mapping out a recovery plan that included individual counseling, marriage counseling, date nights and a communication workshop?
