"I really need to drop about 15 to 20 pounds in 8 weeks.. i don't like the idea of having to buy "fat clothes" for this trip to this nice resort.. i want to buy cute clothes that will fit me when im skinnier",
She voices the very thoughts I have had many times. She imagines herself being on the beach and how she's going to look in her bathing suit. You don't have to share this with her, but she is not going to lose that much weight in 8 weeks. Not for a woman turning 50. Unless she is retaining fluid, she'd do good to lose 10-12 pounds on a strict, but healthy, diet. If she starves herself, it won't help the MR, b/c she would be irritable and unhealthy.
She feels bad about herself. She doesn't like turning 50. It may not be so much the number, but the stigma our society has given it. Every product for women on the market promises a more youthful appearance/feeling. It is a challenge to shop for attractive, yet appropriate dresses, b/c it is geared to young & skinny.
It's a sensitive subject, but the only thing I know to suggest is for you to approach her about her concerns. Assure her that from your male point of view (not just as her H), she is still beautiful and that she looks better than most women who are much younger. Tell her how proud you are to be seen with her, and for people to know she is your W. Then express how you want her to feel better about herself and to not let the size number of her clothes prevent her from enjoying the trip to Mexico. (B/c she is actually trying to find an excuse to back out, if she can't drop some weight). Tell her if she wants to exercise, you would love for her to go with you to the gym, and it could be a team activity. If she wants to diet, you'll help her anyway you can (not buying or eating goodies in front of her, going out to eat while she's dieting, etc).
However, you know her best and know how she may respond. All you can do is show that you want to encourage her to feel better about herself. Ultimately, it's up to her if she allows the weight to dictate whether or not she goes and enjoys a beautiful and expensive trip with her H, who is trying very hard to save their MR.
FWIW, I agree 100% with Ginger's comments. Living in a SSM is an ego buster......for both spouses. Don't hold back with the touching, b/c she could think she looks repulsive. Don't wait on her. You have to get yourself out of that mindset. Did the MC say whether or not you can say anything while touching?
You have previously said she knows you think she's beautiful. But women need to hear it often from the H. And they need him to be more specific about how she is pretty to him. Part of being intimate is verbally making love. When touching her face, tell her how her skin is baby soft. You get lost in her blue eyes. Trace her lips with the tip of your finger and say, "Oh at the times looking at this mouth has distracted me from what I was doing (or saying)". (Something to that effect).
For me, saying words while touching, would take away the awkwardness. But they have to sound sincere. Don't get the giggles! Don't sound stiff and formal. Speak so softly, it's more like a whisper. It should sound as if you don't realize that you are saying your thoughts out loud.......as if you really are lost in looking at her. It's as if you are worshipping her beautiful body. You love this woman, so show it in your touch, and in your soft words.
And, you may not want to say it all at one time. But at least comment on some particular feature. Tell her how her long blonde hair looks sexy and still drives you crazy. You love kissing her slender neck (if she has a slender neck). Trace the outline of one of her ears. I won't go down the length of her body, but during the touching exercises, or not exercises, take an opportunity to express how you admire her body features.
How are you coming along with the non-sexual touching? Are you doing some every day? You need to do it, and let them grow into more intimate touching. If you don't intentionally touch her every single day, you will not bring yourself out of this pit. Are you calling her pet name? "Hey, blue eyes"........"Come sit next to me, sexy"..........."See you later, J-Lo" (and add a wink). Oh gosh......if men only knew how sexy a wink can be! They'd wink at everything that moved.
You've got to maintain this flirty, relaxed, fun repertoire. You have to do it on purpose. Yes, you initiate it, b/c you are not a LBH. Don't wait for your W (who is struggling to overcome her wayward mindset). I say this again, mainly for any newcomers who don't understand why I'd encourage this type of behavior. Once both are working to piece the M back together, their behavior toward each other should encourage closeness and growth........not distance and coolness. (That's not say he should smother her). One reason this particular MR struggles is b/c of the years of no intimacy. It's just not that easy to get back into a physical intimate R, when there has been 10 yrs of no sex. When the sex goes, the affection and tenderness follow.
I support MWD's point of view that you basically just have to start doing it, in order to get it going. However, I also understand, as a wayward W who isn't experiencing loving feelings when coming out of an A. Men want to have sex to seal the deal, especially after an A. Women want to feel a connection before having sex. So, there you go. Pressure is on both of them, b/c of the degree of scrutiny on their responses to each other.
Jim, I don't know if your MC has ever personally experienced being a WW, or closely associated to one. Sometimes, she seems to "get it". From what you have shared about the sessions and her guidance in piecing the M back together......she seems to "get" your W. She saw from the beginning how the friendship with BFF is unhealthy and badly influences your W's attitudes in the MR. She also seems to understands the results the long SSM has had, and what to do in order to get back into an intimate R. As far as MC's go, she has seemed to be a good one. Knowing she needs to see your W in IC, soon, makes me like her even more. When your W said she didn't know if MC was right for her.......I suspected it was b/c MC has her number and does not show favoritism, and/or b/c she gets closer to the root issues more than your W would like. Anyway, stay after your W about making another appointment for IC with this counselor. I think she'll try to get lazy about it and, maybe, about the homework, too. So, continue taking the lead.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When your W said she didn't know if MC was right for her.......I suspected it was b/c MC has her number and does not show favoritism, and/or b/c she gets closer to the root issues more than your W would like. Anyway, stay after your W about making another appointment for IC with this counselor. I think she'll try to get lazy about it and, maybe, about the homework, too. So, continue taking the lead.
