Quote: My interpretation, based only on my own feelings and past experience, is that cuddling and caressing in and of themselves are very pleasurable and relaxing and aren't necessarily preludes to sex.
Yes, I agree, that was my interpretation as well. It occurred to me that the emotional and sexual "muscles" I'm asking W to flex haven't been in use for a very long time, and there's bound to be a lot of atrophy there. So I'm very much in the mood to be understanding and go slowly, and give her time to "get up to speed", but I'm also going to be standing up for myself and letting her know that I'm expecting our R to become more sexual, and that this is how I see our M evolving.
Dave, you're right, of course, about the reptilian/mammalian element of control, and I have definitely discovered I need to be more direct, at least at the moment, and also more ready for the inevitable rejections to come. I like your idea about telling her how I'd like to be rejected - I'll work on that.
Quote: because whenever I bring up my lack of connection with her to my W, she always claims that she is very connected to me...except of course when I "pressure" her by saying that we need to work on the R, which is when she says, "I don't know you anymore. You're tearing this M apart."
Hairdog, that is a sure sign you are increasing your differentiation, and she's noticed, and she's uncomfortable with it. That is a normal and natural reaction. When we increase our differentiation, our SO will often experience it as "being manipulated", but as long as we're not seeking to manipulate, but rather standing up for ourselves, we need to "stick to our guns", and not back down. Sticking to the game plan will increase both our respect for ourselves, and (eventually) our spouse's respect for us. And it "has" to be so difficult, just because it is. That's life...
