WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[hoosjim]

<heavy sigh>

Somewhat discouraging day all around. Lost some money on a bad investment, aggravated my old shoulder injury at the gym, found out the star player on my school's basketball team is hurt for the tourney and might not play, and slightly discouraging evening with W to top it off.

Had IC earlier in the day. W has not scheduled her next session yet though says "I need to do that." Talked generally about me being able to "get over" various things, like W's friendship with bff (MC says i shouldn't compromise my values on that, and should make my feelings known when they arise, BUT that the relationship may die off of its own accord when bff moves out of state-- MC also very interested in dynamic between W and bff, thought maybe it was co-dependent and maybe W attracted to bff because W's low self esteeem and "good girl" struggles-- bff is strong personality and definitely "rebel, bad girl") She is very eager to get W back into IC soon. Counselled me to keep maintaining balance in my own life, not to backtrack on my GAL's and 180s, keep journalling. Also advised me to be more contemplative when approaching W about sensitive subjects, in particular to think out conversations ahead of time so I am responding to W's responses not emotionally but with well thought out responses.

Tonight, W and I talked about several things.

1) IC-- i mentioned i had done mine today instead of thursday due to MC being booked up. W said, "I really need to do that, to talk to her about a couple of things..." which led into

2) Discussion about upcoming MExico trip for her 50th. W: "I am really excited to be going, but i am also worried." Reasons being, she is concerned about her weight-- "I really need to drop about 15 to 20 pounds in 8 weeks.. i don't like the idea of having to buy "fat clothes" for this trip to this nice resort.. i want to buy cute clothes that will fit me when im skinnier", also concerned about leaving kids alone for close to a week (I reminded her they are 18 and almost 20), and, finally, the biggie: "i AM excited about going, but... I'm, idon't nknow...I guess worried that it will be like Key West when we were first dating.. that we'll go on this nice expensive trip and then when we come back...[long, long silence]" and i finish for her: "You'll get cold feet." (Color on this-- Key West was the first "get away together" trip we ever took when we were first dating, at the end of our "summer romance" in 1992. It was nice, and fun, but when we came back she got her first real serious case of "cold feet" about us. She'd had a couple of starts and stops previously, but, this time, not a week after we got back, we went out for ice cream or something, came back, i dropped her off, she got out of car and said something like: "Well, maybe I'll see you at the gym sometime." And walked into her apartment. She started seeing another guy within the week. That didn't last and she briefly "dated" another dude before coming back to me. (I didn't pursue but did call her up once or twice just to see how she was doing, and she did likewise) We got back together 6 months after the breakup when SHE invited ME to go on a birthday trip (hers) down to Florida for a week. At any rate, TONIGHT, she's like, "I don't want to be coming back and then if things dont work out you're going to be like 'oh, yeah, now that you've gotten this nice trip you're going to bolt'" My response to her was that i thought our MC's take on all of this would be that she was focusing too much on what could go wrong and not "acting as if" things were going to work out with us and what they would look like if they did work out. She kind of nodded at this, but I did not find the exchange at all encouraging.

Finally, we did one of the touching exercises-- each in turn lying face up on bed while the other explored/caressed the others' face, eyes closed. MC had said-- "you need to start getting used to touching each other again intimately. Even if these exercises feel awkward, it will be valuable because then the more natural touches in "real life" will feel less awkward and more natural by comparison". At any rate, we did it, at my suggestion, though she was willing, and, both agreed it was nice. We discussed it as we were supposed to, my sense was that she is a very sensual person, very communicative by touch, and that that conveyed when she was touching me-- not necessarily in an erotic way (though it was a bit of that, too), but definitely intimate-feeling. We also both agreed it felt like i was "holding back" some (which is true, i definitely didn't want to come off as being seductive as it seemed more of an exploratory exercise to me) and that I (hoosjim) "got the better of it" on the receiving end. She lingered a long time on my face, maybe twice as long as I did on hers, say 8-10 mins versus about five for me. At any rate, i didn't feel like i came across as confident with my touch as i should have (I kinda wish she had gone first, in which case i would definitely have been less restrained. Wow she is good.)