I am meeting with W for lunch today. Lots for us to talk about. Taxes first, but after that, I'm going to suggest we move the divorce forward.
The Thanksgiving episode where she got herself invited to dinner with my family really helped me start distancing myself, but I heeded AS's suggestion to wait a few months to be sure I was done before taking this step. Over the months, it's just gotten easier to think this way.
I will suggest we try mediation to start. I think a draft settlement agreement she sent me in October will be a good starting point, and hopefully we can knock this out without a huge fight involving the lawyers.
I have a question, though. In the draft settlement agreement, she proposed splitting assets 55/45. My lawyer said her lawyer is just fishing, looking for a bigger portion of the pie, and said since I'm paying alimony and child support per the state formula, that's not something any judge will likely entertain. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
BTW, my son's school suspension was up today. He's said and done all the right things in the last two weeks, so I believe he will try to walk the straight and narrow in the future. I hired a lawyer to go with us to the court hearing, and the lawyer is optimistic he will get into a program for first time offenders, and only have to go to drug awareness classes, get drug tested, and afterward will have his record expunged. I've bought home drug test kits that I can send off to see if he uses again, so I hope we can put this episode behind us. S18 started a new job last night, too.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim....my W and I agreed on everything so we did not go to mediation. My judge friend told me there is no reason to mediate on what you already agree to. My W and I did not get separate lawyers and just used 1 to draw up the papers. She does not represent either one of us and made that very clear.I know everyone is different but we paid a total of $1000 for our D......750 to the lawyer and 250 to file with the county. Everything in our decree was between my W and I with no outside influences.
J9, I wish I were so lucky. She lawyered up, so I had to. Also, now there are going to be areas of disagreement, like the 55/45 split that I'm sure her lawyer prompted her to ask for that are going to complicate things and make our lawyers rich.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
J9, I wish I were so lucky. She lawyered up, so I had to. Also, now there are going to be areas of disagreement, like the 55/45 split that I'm sure her lawyer prompted her to ask for that are going to complicate things and make our lawyers rich.
Are you still working on R or have you completely given up? If you still hope to R, then be accommodating during the divorce proceedings. Kill her with kindness. She won't know what hit her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am meeting with W for lunch today. Lots for us to talk about. Taxes first, but after that, I'm going to suggest we move the divorce forward.
The Thanksgiving episode where she got herself invited to dinner with my family really helped me start distancing myself, but I heeded AS's suggestion to wait a few months to be sure I was done before taking this step. Over the months, it's just gotten easier to think this way.
I'm glad you took the time to think about it, if you move forward now then I think you can be confident you are doing it rationally and not as an emotional reaction.
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I have a question, though. In the draft settlement agreement, she proposed splitting assets 55/45. My lawyer said her lawyer is just fishing, looking for a bigger portion of the pie, and said since I'm paying alimony and child support per the state formula, that's not something any judge will likely entertain. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
Alright well here is my thought on this. Is a 50-50 split what you were planning on? Let's say your assets are 300k, so 50-50 would be 150k each. a 55-45 split would cost you how much? In my example it would be 165k/135k instead of 150k/150k so it would cost you an extra 15k. Is 15k worth fighting for? Maybe it is to you, maybe it isn't.
In my case my W and I agreed to a 50-50 split and wrote up the paperwork together, then in the 11th hour she decided I owed her another 20k or 25k or something like that. When I asked for an explanation she sent me a rambling email that made absolutely no sense. So then I asked her to sit down with me to discuss it and she angrily responded "screw it we will let the lawyers fight it out". So I was left with two choices- accept what I felt was an unfair settlement, or fight it out in court. Honestly the cost of the court battle wasn't my deciding factor, just the thought of prolonging this whole mess indefinitely was the deciding factor. I was just starting to recover and rebuild, and the thought of a prolonged court battle had me tied up in knots and having anxiety attacks all over again. So I told her "I don't think this settlement is fair, but I believe that you do, and if you do then I will accept the terms. Go ahead and modify the paperwork and I will review and sign it." And that's what we did, and the rest went very peacefully.
I will tell you that my peace of mind and spirit was worth the extra money. I have zero regrets over that.
Glad to hear your son is taking this seriously, sounds like you did a great job handling that with him!
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Are you still working on R or have you completely given up? If you still hope to R, then be accommodating during the divorce proceedings. Kill her with kindness. She won't know what hit her.
Well, my attitude about D is protect yourself, but be reasonable. That doesn't mean bend over backwards to "appease" them because I don't think appeasing them earns you any brownie points. But as I described above, giving them more than their fair share to bring about a quick conclusion might be better for your own health and welfare in the long run.
Are you still working on R or have you completely given up? If you still hope to R, then be accommodating during the divorce proceedings. Kill her with kindness. She won't know what hit her.
She's moved out, so I don't really see her much. I am not pursuing her at all. I'm GAL, and while I haven't completely given up on the relationship, she expresses no interest in it, and I'm ready to move on. Throughout the entire process, I've tried to be honorable and respectful, while protecting my interests.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I'm glad you took the time to think about it, if you move forward now then I think you can be confident you are doing it rationally and not as an emotional reaction.
[/color] Is a 50-50 split what you were planning on? Let's say your assets are 300k, so 50-50 would be 150k each. a 55-45 split would cost you how much? In my example it would be 165k/135k instead of 150k/150k so it would cost you an extra 15k. Is 15k worth fighting for? Maybe it is to you, maybe it isn't.
I will tell you that my peace of mind and spirit was worth the extra money. I have zero regrets over that.
[color:#000099][color:#330033]I was expecting a 50/50 split, and believe that's fair. Maybe we can make it work that it's 55/45 before tax, and 50/50 after. I don't know, but I have lived well below my means my whole life, and we're talking a difference of about $80K. I don't care who you are, that's an amount worth fighting over.
And personally, I think I would sleep better knowing I fought over it. I don't mind the divorce process so much, but knowing she took so much advantage of my good nature would upset me for the rest of my life.
[color:#000099]You gave me some very sage advice, and I'm glad I listened.
Glad to hear your son is taking this seriously, sounds like you did a great job handling that with him!
I think it's all going to turn out alright. Thanks for your kind feedback.
Well, my attitude about D is protect yourself, but be reasonable.
I believe 50/50 is entirely reasonable, and anything more than that, I would have a hard time letting go of. I mean, I could give her more than that, but $80K? GMAFB
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
She was reluctant to see a mediator to come up with a settlement agreement, and wanted to work it out among ourselves. I told her I thought the mediator might be able to see a third option if we got stuck on some issue, and thought it would be good, but she said she thought we were so close it would be a waste of money. She said she would update the draft agreement she sent me months ago. I said fine. That was two weeks ago, and I haven't heard anything.
Friday, I saw her at the lawyer I hired for my son's pot charge. As we were leaving, I asked her about it. "I thought you were going to send me an updated draft. If we don't go to a mediator, how do you want to move forward." She said she was still waiting for her lawyer to update the draft so she could forward it to me. So I guess we're getting the lawyers involved after all. Oh well.
S18's pot bust will probably turn out OK. He's a first time offender, and can be enrolled in an education program, with his record expunged at successful completion. I told W I would pay the whole bill, since she didn't think we needed a lawyer, and she could pay me whatever she wanted and thought was fair. She suggested splitting it in thirds, with S18 paying a share. Surprised me, and I accepted, but we'll see if I see any of that money.
Not much else to report. Moving on, GAL, dating. Cultivating friendships with other guys. Exercising. Sometimes feeling lonely and sad. Most times not. Miss my kids when they're with her. D16 still having trouble completing homework, but I'm working on that. She's seeing a therapist so she can hopefully work out whatever issues prevent her doing her work.
Time and distance have helped me realize what a mess she is. She took notes and made a to-do list on the placemat when we went for lunch. Outside S18's lawyers she told me she lost the paper, and what did I need from her to finish the taxes? Time, distance, and episodes like this have helped me understand that it wasn't just me. I had my flaws, but the blinders are off, and I am not making excuses for her behavior any more.
I think my biggest issue right now is that I still worry about her, because I think she is probably clinically depressed, but denies it. Her behavior is just plain weird. For someone who professes happiness, she spends an awful lot of time cloistered in her room watching TV (my impression from the state of her house, and offhand remarks by the kids. They are protective of her, and don't tell me about her directly.).
But it's not my problem any more, and I keep reminding myself that.
So here I am, two weeks after my last post, and really nothing's changed.....
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, I hope everything turns out well for your kids after these temporary setbacks and I hope you're getting somewhat close to the end of the divorce process. One thing that strikes me about your posts is the sheer endurance it takes to get through a divorce. It seems like there are so, so many issues to settle on.
That's nice to hear you're dating. Does that mean like dinner or coffee with different women here-and-there or do you have someone special? I really wonder a lot about this issue. I can't even imagine ever going on a date.
It seems normal to me that you'd worry about your wife. You spent decades with her and loved her all those years. You must have initially come to this forum because you wanted to save your marriage. It's hard to stop caring about our spouses, especially when they leave us and their lives are such a mess. It's so hard to understand why someone would walk away from it all rather than put in effort to fix what went wrong.
I think my biggest issue right now is that I still worry about her, because I think she is probably clinically depressed, but denies it. Her behavior is just plain weird. For someone who professes happiness, she spends an awful lot of time cloistered in her room watching TV (my impression from the state of her house, and offhand remarks by the kids.
Jim...if I remember correctly your W has a side room that she spends most of the day in sleeping, watching TV and smoking correct? That alone is pause for concern and IMO is just not healthy and combined with how her house looks (based on your description) I would say your assessment is probably correct. Love is tough and it's amazing what your willing to accept (I get it) but something tells me the more you get out an experience life and other women you will be better off for it.
