First post, need someone to listen

[sandi2]

I am working on respect and self respect. As you said, dominated by fear anxiety and uncertainty. I have been weak. I have taken her for granted. I did not think this could occur and so once more I took her for granted. But there is always 2 sides to this. If I focused completely on her, where do I begin? We keep finding ourselves here because I need more and want more than she can give. She is probably exhausted by that.

I don't think focusing completely on her and nothing else is the answer to a healthy MR. I am not saying you should focus on another woman.......but I mean have enough interests in life that you are not codependent on your W. Maybe part of your problem is that you get too dependent, too focused on one thing.......and when the initial stage wears off......then you need more.........b/c you aren't as satisfied as you were in the beginning. Let me ask you something. Do you have a tendency to take everything you enjoy and "run it into the ground"? It's like overkill. You can't stop yourself. If it's a new game, new relationship, new food, new hobby, whatever.

I realize my actions have shown I am selfish and controlling narcissist. How do I kill that guy so the real me, the one who is here 99% of the time is the one she sees when she looks at me.

It may take lots of therapy. IDK, but I don't think your desires will completely be satisfied or the answers are going to come easily/quickly. At least, until you get professional help. Why? B/c you don't appreciate it if it's too easy, too plentiful, too fast. Maybe you don't value something unless you think you can't have it at all,.........and then, that's all you can think about.

I suspect you are addicted to several things.........mostly to whatever gratifies you in that moment. You are an alcoholic, and it scares you to death to think about facing life.......or even imagining life without alcohol. It has been your crutch, your escape, your motivation, your god.......whether of not you've admitted it.

You don't need anti-depressants, nearly as much as you just want an escape from your miserable reality. The fix is not in a bottle, a game, porn, pills, food, or any of the stuff you turn to when you want something else, something more......something better...... than the current reality. You don't even know what you want for yourself anymore. You only know you don't want to feel what you feel today.

((hugs))