WBM, I guess you know your W is an alcoholic, I'm wondering why you didn't use that word, perhaps you are in denial? But it seems pretty clear that she is, and as such, this isn't a simple matter of toning things down or "moderating" her drinking as you put it. She needs help, and she doesn't want it. She's got to hit rock bottom before she may be willing to change, and unfortunately that will probably mean ending the M. Protect yourself and your kids. Talk to a lawyer about your options.
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About once a week, she will drink heavily with her friends and then wants to initiate a talk, which ends up being a 3 hour rage from her about all I've done wrong in the 11 years that we have been together. I validate when I can, and listen the rest of the time. There is a lot of history re-written during these times.
I would end these convos ASAP. If she tries it again then just tell her you're not interested and walk away.
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I have suggested MC, but have been told no, that she will never go see a counselor. So, I find myself here again, reading the forums and all of the other posts, trying to get some clarity on the situation that I once again have found myself in.
First you need to realize you don't have a WAS on your hands, you have an addict. You can't fix that (or your M) with DB'ing. Second you need to realize that you are a VICTIM in this situation. You need to detach to keep her from dragging you down with her.
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Her and her family do not think that she has a problem
They are enabling her, which unfortunately is quite common in addictions.
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I have been looking for an Al Anon meeting in our area. I might have to do the online route if I can't find one that works with my works schedule.
Find a way to make it happen. You need it far more than you realize.
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I hate that I have lost my W to alcohol, but I must take steps to save myself and my S17. It is just so hard to let go of that hope that she will get help.
You are exactly right. And you can detach and protect yourself while still maintaining hope. There's no quick solution here, but long term she WILL at some point hit rock bottom and hopefully seek out help, after that you may very well see a recon opportunity.
