Here again

[WBM]

Hi everyone. A little background on me and my sitch.

I was a poster here 3 years ago. W and I R after 8 months of S, and bought a house together. While we were S, I read DB, did IC, lots of GAL and had a genuine shift in my views and the way I handled daily interactions with W.

My W has been a heavy and daily drinker for the last 5 years. After we R, I noticed that her drinking was increasing and would dodge bullets daily to try and stay out of the line of fire. 4 months after R, I begged her to go to rehab because I was genuinely worried about her health. She said she would go, but never did, and later stated that she did not have a problem and that I just needed to deal with her drinking.

Fast forward to 2018. BD was after the beginning of the year. She stated that she wanted a D and wanted to sell our home. We are still living under the same roof, only communicating when she initiates. About once a week, she will drink heavily with her friends and then wants to initiate a talk, which ends up being a 3 hour rage from her about all I've done wrong in the 11 years that we have been together. I validate when I can, and listen the rest of the time. There is a lot of history re-written during these times.

I have suggested MC, but have been told no, that she will never go see a counselor. So, I find myself here again, reading the forums and all of the other posts, trying to get some clarity on the situation that I once again have found myself in.

My MIL/FIL are living here temporarily. Our last S was due to my MIL giving her an ultimatum. She has once again convinced my W that a D is in order.

We argue mostly about the daily heavy drinking, and my W says that is her main reason for wanting a D. Her and her family do not think that she has a problem, and my MIL tells her that I am controlling when I want her to moderate her drinking so that she doesn't treat me badly when she drinks too much. She says that she is unhappy and knows that we will never be able to fix our M.

Thanks everyone for reading.

M: 49 W: 46
T: 11 M: 10
SD: 25 S: 17

[kml]

I'm just sitting here wondering WHY you reconciled with an active alcoholic who showed no willingness to go into treatment? And you have a teenage son watching this?

Sounds to me like you need to get to Al Anon meetings.

[Cadet]

Looks like your last thread is put away off the board, I can move it back if you want it

[Vanilla]

When you S it will be clear who has the issue.

MrBond once said to me, let the G go down alone. Stop enabling.

I pass on that advice, let WW fall and save yourself and your S17.

V

[WBM]

Cadet: It probably is mostly a repeat of this thread, just different dates. I'll just continue with this one. Thanks.

kml: I have been looking for an Al Anon meeting in our area. I might have to do the online route if I can't find one that works with my works schedule. Thanks for the advice. I "hoped" that the alcohol demon was beaten, but, it is back and worse than ever. She tried moderating instead of rehab, and that was short lived. I cannot control or cure her alcoholism, so I need to step away.

Vanilla: Thanks for the advice! I am actively working on stepping away.

This time around, DB will do more to help me work on my issues and help me get through what is certain to be a nasty D. I hate that I have lost my W to alcohol, but I must take steps to save myself and my S17. It is just so hard to let go of that hope that she will get help.

[sandi2]

If you were "Bob", then I remember part of your situation, but I don't recall the reconciliation. Had you left the board before reconciling?

[WBM]

Hi sandi,

I am not Bob, but I did post quite a bit on his threads. I did leave the board before reconciliation, I believe.

[sandi2]

Okay, I was just trying to find your original thread.

[AnotherStander]

WBM, I guess you know your W is an alcoholic, I'm wondering why you didn't use that word, perhaps you are in denial? But it seems pretty clear that she is, and as such, this isn't a simple matter of toning things down or "moderating" her drinking as you put it. She needs help, and she doesn't want it. She's got to hit rock bottom before she may be willing to change, and unfortunately that will probably mean ending the M. Protect yourself and your kids. Talk to a lawyer about your options.

About once a week, she will drink heavily with her friends and then wants to initiate a talk, which ends up being a 3 hour rage from her about all I've done wrong in the 11 years that we have been together. I validate when I can, and listen the rest of the time. There is a lot of history re-written during these times.

I would end these convos ASAP. If she tries it again then just tell her you're not interested and walk away.

I have suggested MC, but have been told no, that she will never go see a counselor. So, I find myself here again, reading the forums and all of the other posts, trying to get some clarity on the situation that I once again have found myself in.

First you need to realize you don't have a WAS on your hands, you have an addict. You can't fix that (or your M) with DB'ing. Second you need to realize that you are a VICTIM in this situation. You need to detach to keep her from dragging you down with her.

Her and her family do not think that she has a problem

They are enabling her, which unfortunately is quite common in addictions.

I have been looking for an Al Anon meeting in our area. I might have to do the online route if I can't find one that works with my works schedule.

Find a way to make it happen. You need it far more than you realize.

I hate that I have lost my W to alcohol, but I must take steps to save myself and my S17. It is just so hard to let go of that hope that she will get help.

You are exactly right. And you can detach and protect yourself while still maintaining hope. There's no quick solution here, but long term she WILL at some point hit rock bottom and hopefully seek out help, after that you may very well see a recon opportunity.

[WBM]

AnotherStander: Thank you for the response and advice. I have many times talked to my W about her alcoholism and the effect that it has on me and our family. She refuses to admit that she has a problem, instead saying that I am the only one that has a problem with the drinking, and says that she is not an alcoholic.

There have been no late night rages for a few weeks. I have been detaching and letting her be. It is so heartbreaking to watch someone that you love so much self destruct before your eyes.

We still live in the same house, but rarely speak anymore unless it involves the house or the kids.

I am still seeking an Al-Anon meeting that fits my schedule. I know that it will help me tremendously. I am involved on another forum that deals with family members of alcoholics also. That has helped me gain clarity that the alcoholism isn't my fault, that I can't control it, nor can I cure it. I have held out hope that she will hit rock bottom for years. I guess my own rock bottom is within view, finally.