A familiar story with questions. III

[RR17]

Wow! I get so excited when I see that you have responded. I mean that. You are a true gift to this group, sandi.
I have read and reread your response and I agree with much of it. I realize that you hear these stories from one side and sometimes timing and eloquence are lacking from my explanation.

I suspect you got too close to discovering the truth behind her mask of niceness, politeness, and living together so civility. I am referring to how you noticed her quickly concealing her computer activity. But you alerted her when you questioned her about it. So, in her particular fashion......how does she throw RR17 off track and distract him, causing him to ask all the same old questions.....time and time again? So, She turns up her niceness a degree..........even calls him to compliment him about his oatmeal! What will RR17 do? Will he start with the questions about why she persists at being so nice? How long will he remain puzzled by such polite and, dare we say.....thoughtful behavior of his W? smirk

I understand the optic of this and the event with the computer was and still is suspicious to me. My intention is to share my take and not to defend the W. It is only to add my inside experience. In 20+ years W has never been capable of such a deceptive vale. She eased back into nice mode after that confrontation and defensive deflection.
W is prideful and not very good at playing a deceptive part and not for as long as it has continued. IMO I could be wrong, but I don't think so. I expect the niceness is the product of removed pressure and possibly in response to my changes.
I realized what was once a consensual dynamic of my controlling behavior had become excessive and had become a large part of my contribution to the problems with the M.

Think about it. What have you repeated to ponder over, ever since you joined the board. You just could not figure out why she would be so darn nice, if she was a WW......like previously. You see, she never changed from being wayward......she simply chaged her tactics. The MR never reconciled......It just stayed in limbo. She never showed remorse or put effort toward having a better and more intimate M, did she? In fact, not only were you just roommates......but then she wanted separate bedrooms. Am I correct? If not, please correct me.

You are correct. Though she did show some remorse only years later and I have figured that again it is a product of her stubborn pride and shame. As for the niceness, this still confuses me. It was not the case when I discovered the EA 4 years ago. The level of respect and consideration is beyond what I believe she is capable of faking. IDK

She has repeatily said she was leaving (or ending the M) at the end of this school term, right? But in the meantime, you have not seen her act in the same way she did previously, when she was in an A. Are you referring to the niceness and how well you have gotten along? If so, I want to make a comment or ask something. During this time of "getting along", you were letting her sort of do her thing, right? I mean, she'd come home from work and talk about her day.....even repeating the same office stories, while you just listened and validated. Is that correct? (At the time you mentioned it, I didn't know what you meant when you said she was repeating the same stuff....but the lightbulb has come on, at least I think I know what it means).

You are correct. As for letting her do her own thing, she didn't spend a lot of time unaccounted for, if that is what you mean. As outlined in the rules, I simply reserved any opinion or judgment.
I nonchalantly asked her just tonight about repeating stories. I would have expected a defensive answer if there was something behind it. She did not get defensive. Again I am not defending, just giving my take.

You once said you were always the performer and she was the audience. After you thought the A fizzled and you lived in roommate status.........she became the performer and RR17 was her audience. And, performing is how she has manipulated........or perhaps I should say, maintained this condition of the MR. She has it exactly the way she intends it. She holds you at bay, and keeps you thrown off track by being nice, polite, even showing a degree of thoughtfulness. Surely, a wife that was wayward would not be so nice! At least, that has basically been the theme of all your posts since day one.

Yes and no. True there have been changes, but not really keeping me at bay. I have been at bay because I have detached and stopped pursuing. She needed some autonomy and so did I. She regained much of the independence that she had lost in the M and raising children. Not Girls gone Wild independence but in what has appeared to be a healthy way. I supported it. She seemed happier and again I attributed some of the change in behavior to it.

All these years you have waited around for her to show you......something. Remorse, interest, effort, affection...........but it wasn't there. She has steadily gotten farther away (no kisses, no sex, no accountability) while you remained in a state of confusion over her nice-neighbor behavior. You have even referred to it as respectful behavior. Are you following what I am saying so far? She has no desire, no attraction, and no intentions of working on this MR. She holds you at arms length, keeping you in this friend-zone......if it's that much, and then you don't make things too hard on her....by pressing her or requiring certain things of her........and she can do whatever she wishes, without you getting any closer and/or wiser. You got a little suspicious and asked her why she closed her computer so quickly, so she had to up the niceness....to throw you off the scent.

There has been sex. I have limited initiating because I saw it as pursuing sometimes, not always, a point of contention. She once tried to stop it because I had explained the mixed signals. It resumed because I explain that sex didn't add to the confusion and I asked without expectation or any pressure.
I will say that years ago, during the initial A, sex was different. She was living in a fantasy and it came out in bed. I noticed it at the time. It has not been like that in recent times.

Call me crazy, but as long as you aren't causing any waves......she's reasonably contented to live under the same roof with you. But she still has her fantasy, and she probably has OM, too.

Well, You got me thinking and coupled with the commuter incident I confronted her tonight. I wasn't going to sleep if I hadn't.
I picked my words carefully and even stated that if she said yes, that I wasn't going to ask her to stop. Another A is a deal breaker for me.
She denied it. After a typical defensive response and me reminding her that for the first 16 years I never had any suspicions, but that for 4 years I have been haunted by the threat and that it wasn't my fault what so ever.
She got quiet and sad, very sad and apologized for her part. She assured me that there wasn't anybody and that she hadn't taken the appropriate steps to repair my trust. She was very upset. It all seemed genuine. We hugged. We went to our separate bedrooms.

Who knows? But I don't believe she could keep up a charade for very long. It's just not her way. At least I don't believe so.

Thanks again Sandi for taking the time to read and understand and respond to my sitch.