Unlike love which is a choice, detaching has two elements the physical and the emotional....
Thank you, V. I have been meaning to take the time to expand on this. I feel that sometimes when a person asks a question on here and the well-meaning people simply assume that you don't understand the concept. I agree with you 100%. There are 2 elements to detachment. IMO
Besides who wants to debate the merits of describing an understanding of a subject that is subjective at best and most definitely personal? Some of the concepts mean different things to different stichs and different people. IMO
If you are being honest with one's self, the mental/emotional aspect of detaching can be a decision to pursue, but you can't honestly pick your feelings. You can have dominion over what you do with those feelings, but you don't choose them. Not if you are being honest with yourself.
Now the physical aspect of detaching is something you can choose regardless of your emotional state.
If part of your GAL is to become more vulnerable within your relationships, this gets tricky. Sure this doesn't have to start with ones S before reconciliation. And probably shouldn't. But it starts with being honest with one's self and (*warning graphic content*) getting in touch with one's feelings. I know that this was a issue that my IC addressed early in IC and MC. I can't imagine, in fact, I know, I am not alone in this deficiency. Mindfulness and Vulnerability are another subjects for another time.
So, you start acting differently, 180, rules, LRT, and the W starts to respond. She starts to warm up and LBS, being honest with himself starts to ease up. This is more probable with a WAW than a WW. IMO.
You slip a bit. But your logic says you must not go there without proper reconciliation. So you have to get back to the physical aspects of detachment without coming across aggressive or angry or adversarial. Without an Event, it is not an easy segway.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Unto you comprehend what DB detaching is....and is not, you will always feel as if you are falling off and getting back on the wagon. Maybe you need the definition below.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Unless I am still missing something, I still don't believe this negates the original question.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Much like describing poetic abstract to a group of mostly men and then telling them they are doing it wrong when it is a moving target at best.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Slipping or making mistakes while doing LRT or rules or guidelines or whatever involves Detaching is normal and expected. After all, we are human. I believe that the easiest and most common way to get off track is to reattach, so to speak when S shows some response to previously mentioned measures.
So my question is, is there any good advice on getting back on track DETACHING after slipping from ones intended path?
A way to resume when you warm up to S's reaction to your 180 etc.
I would argue that if you "reattach" then you were never really detached in the first place. Detachment isn't a switch that you flip on and off. It happens very slowly and over a long period of time. I would say it takes over a year to well and truly detach. I think we can convince ourselves we are detached after 3 or 6 months. But assuming we're talking about a 10+ year relationship with kids then it just doesn't happen that fast, we're just fooling ourselves. If you had asked me if I was detached at 6 months I would have told you "yes". If you had asked me after a year I would have laughed and said, "No, I was nowhere close to being detached at 6 months, but I am now!" Then after a year and a half same thing. But at each of those points I really DID think I was detached. With the benefit of experience and hindsight I know now I was not really detached until about that year-and-a-half mark (and just barely there), and I see a lot of people here early in their sitches trying to talk themselves into it as well.
Detachment is when you've accepted your sitch fully, and accepted that your old life is gone, and accepted that you have a "new normal" and that you are going to be fine no matter what happens to your M. It's not "giving up", it's "letting go". Once you fully get there then recon suddenly looks a whole lot different to you. If your wife came back today and said "I am so sorry, I was wrong, let's move back in together and act like none of this ever happened" would you high five her, thank your lucky stars and start moving her back in?
-OR-
Would you say "well we need to sit down and talk about this, I am not sure that's really a good idea but I'm willing to discuss it." And would you start mapping out a recovery plan that included individual counseling, marriage counseling, date nights and a communication workshop?
A lot of that which is written is about describing detachment.
It does not give techniques to find it.
It is like saying this is what a chocolate cake is and this is how delicious it tastes but not giving the recipe to make one.
You are completely correct, but I would argue that it is because it's different for each individual. There is no set path to detachment. We're talking about something that happens in your heart and soul. The person who invents a "detachment" pill is going to be rich indeed
Detachment is not that you don't possess anything, it's that nothing possesses you.
I believe that whether you are following the rules or doing a 180 or LRT or whatever, this all involves detachment.
To say that it is only for the LBS is totally honest. Yes, one should focus on one's own actions, yes detaching will better you regardless if you don't save the MR. But it also has a profound effect on others. It does.
For one it breaks the Pursuer/Distancer dynamic that most probably exists. This is huge and can not be ignored. Things that are chased, flee.
But if this is the sole reason you detach, then you really aren't detaching. You are trying to control in a passive manner.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
*To say that it is only for the LBS isn't totally honest
Damn, I wish we could edit.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I know that this was a issue that my IC addressed early in IC and MC. I can't imagine, in fact, I know, I am not alone in this deficiency. Mindfulness and Vulnerability are another subjects for another time.
