Being Patient

[25yearsmlc]

UK services for veterans are not great - he left the army and then nothing - apart from a pension! He sought some help 6 months ago but he said it didn’t help - now he has made a group of friends that are ex military and they meet and talk about their experiences. He now works as a school caretaker (janitor?) and he gets really frustrated. In the army he was in the signals - originally a Russian linguist and then in logistics.

those are marketable skills if he finds the right niche. Logistics is a lot like project managers, and being a Russian linguist is - in certain arenas - very marketable. Maybe a government job.

With the kids he is all or nothing!

I noticed that, below. So, How'd you feel about that when you met him? Did you know when you were dating or only after you married?

I only ask b/c it makes me wonder about my x's new "love". Surely she notices he abandoned all 4 of his family members, not just me. Zero contact with his 3 children and to be honest, when I meet a man who is not in touch with his kids or is, barely, I run.

It means he can drop off the planet and not do a thing about it. It does not bode well for the ability to connect and commit and stay "all in" over time.

It happened in his past, before he went overseas, so maybe this episode is not related to his service.

And beware of those who use service times to wallow and sort of glom onto it as their identity.



He relates better to the twin boys. Although (at my gentle suggestion) this weekend he did take the girls out for a few hours. D (14) is really upset with him and what he is doing to the family - and tells him so! His eldest S (26) he occasionally sees / speaks to - they are very similar and both happy with the occasional contact.

meaning, neither wants to be close?


The younger son (20) has no contact through choice - he was only 4 when H last saw him and his Ex W stopped all contact.

Did they have joint custody? Did he ever initiate proceedings to get any, or try to establish a relationship with his younger son from that marriage?

What did you think of this^^^ relationship? Curious, did you believe that it was all due to the ex wife?

I am trying hard to keep it all together. I do worry that I will become a doormat.


Exercise choice^^^. You can choose NOT to be a doormat. You can choose to be an empowered woman with some clear enforceable boundaries.


But being positive and changing the way I am communicating with him is certainly proving helpful. The hardest thing is no R talk - I am learning patience!

he will address the R when HE feels like it. And he may not feel like it.

He may prefer to eat cake and not have to meet any expectations, regardless of how reasonable. At some point, (not today), you will need to decide how much you can OR should tolerate. Kids are watching so you must set an example of a dignified woman with grace, who navigates through desertion and betrayal IF that is what this becomes or is.

You must prepare for the chance he may not become the man you need him to be.

My only advice is that you not stay in a marriage based on a man's potential as a spouse, but on his actuality as a spouse.

I worry if I detach too much he will feel abandoned. Things at home are better in so many ways but he sleeps downstairs.....

This^^ is a common fear of so many people. Sort of a reason to DO something b/c we want to feel we are not powerless.

You are not powerless over yourself. But HE is the only one in charge of what HE does.

A lot of LBSers think if they are strong and independent, that a spouse who has pushed them away will feel as if they are the rejected ones and put guilt onto the LBS. (That's kind of crazy talk we do to ourselves.)

But pursuing the WAS comes off as pressure and it fails. Plus, your h has not said he wants pursuit by you, correct?

Sleeping downstairs because....what does he SAY is the reason for that?