We had our first appointment with a marriage and family therapist this morning. My goal with going to the therapist (T) is to have T 1) help us sort out what to tell the kids, 2) develop a co-parenting plan, and 3) work with the kids on behavioral issues in the context of the family. It was a very difficult time since I was confronted with my contributions to the marriage, all over again. I've buried my guilt and regret for the behavior or by going to IC, but the weight of it overwhelmed me today.
My behavior has changed drastically in the last 15 months which W acknowledges, but unfortunately, that is how W continues to see me. In the past, when we had marriage disagreements W would typically shut down, become defensive, or be overly sensitive. I would respond with internalized anger that would build up until I exploded by occasionally harming myself or breaking things (5-6 x per year). It's almost too much to bear thinking about what I did wrong.
W told the therapist today that she wanted to pursue the divorce. Part of me was hoping W would be open to waiting, so the finality in her words was difficult to hear.
