Sorry this is going to sound like a rant but I really need to get this off my chest.
I think I might have blown it as I didn’t handle this situation very well at all. I saw my H last night and when he started talking about how nothing had changed for him, he just exists from day to day etc….. He started repeating everything he has said before (almost word for word – hadn’t been happy for a years, we had lost each other, doesn’t see how he can ever make me happy again etc.). I’m afraid I just saw red. It’s been 6 months of bottling things up and trying to be the calm sane one throughout this ongoing rollercoaster ride and last night was the last straw. So much for DB.......
I’m afraid I lost my cool and told him exactly how I feel about how he has treated me throughout these last 6 months – I don’t think I have mentioned this before but he actually asked me to meet the 24 year old OW (he’s 52), within the first month of telling me about his affair saying that if we met it would resolve things for him (I actually believed him and met with her - talk about me being stupid). Anyway I literally told him that I was aware that she was practically living in our jointly owned home with him and that they were very much together as a couple – he said that it was the OW who was “seeking” him so I informed him that he does have a choice in the matter and because he hasn’t done anything to stop his behaviour I have to assume that it’s what he wants. I asked him what he was doing coming to see me when he is obviously with someone else – he says he loves me (obviously he does that’s why he is not with me). I asked him if he loved the OW and he said “I don’t know”. I then asked him if she knows how he feels and he just sat and stared at me blankly without saying a word. Everything I talked about him saying in the past like “the OW is so easy to make happy” and “the OW dotes on me” he denied saying – he says he never said those things. Also when I met with the OW she told me that they made plans to live together – he says they were her plans not his, and that he wasn’t present when she said that. What the hell is the matter with him……it’s like he can’t remember anything.
I’m afraid I am emotionally at the end of my tether with him – I seem to get nowhere and we go backwards and forwards. So against my better judgement, I asked him to file for divorce – believe me it’s not something I want, but he obviously isn’t coming back so what is the point of continuing with this and I don’t feel like I can realistically move on until I have closure. I also once again asked him to sell our house or buy me out (another thing he still hasn’t sorted yet).
Despite this all being against the advice about how to manage a MLC I have received on this forum, I just couldn’t stop myself and I must admit, at the time it felt good to open up about the way I was feeling – even though I know he probably doesn’t care and it did get emotional – he was crying and so was I. He wanted to hold me and I said no. I asked him to tell me our marriage is over – he said he couldn’t do that and that I would always be in his life at which point I said that I would be making that choice. He admitted that he was still with the OW so I said I would show him the door and told him that I didn’t want to see him again while he was still involved with her (he grabbed me and held me tight saying that we would see each other again and that I needed to believe that he loves me and misses me so much and could I think about whether we could see each other again).
I guess my frustration and anger had to come out at some point but today it all seems so futile and I am losing the will to keep going especially after I said all those things to him – trust me I haven’t covered half of it in this post. Believe it or not I still believe in my marriage and would do everything it takes to make it work but I feel like I am battling this alone and quite frankly I am tired of it all. The only positive thing is that I am moving away in less than 2 weeks to a new job, new house and hopefully a new start (he is unaware of this – I think it will do me good to just disappear and get away). In the meantime I am in need of any advice and support you wise folk are able to offer……..
