Not sure what to do. . .can anyone help?

[mbe76]

I just wonder, does she have most of the say about disciplining the kids? If you don't have much influence with her, she is not going to allow you to have a hand in how the children are disciplined, either

Yes she does- in fact 90% of the time- for example this last Sunday, after being repeatedly told by my W to stop misbehaving, I raised my voice and told him to stop immediately, and there was another person there and there was no anger- just a strong but stern word- and after I said it I looked at the other person and flashed a quick smile to demonstrate I was not angry but in control- the W then berated me for shouting as we were driving off- while the Children were in the car.

Living under the same roof is no excuse to accept bad treatment. If anything, you have more pull b/c of living under the same roof. Listen, I want to offer a thought. Is there anywhere you could keep spend the night, if you needed to be out/gone all night? I don't mean pay for a motel room, but just somewhere you could stay overnight? Like, some men have been known to sleep over in their office. That's simply an example. You need to think of somewhere you could stay overnight, in case you need to leave her standing alone in her spew. And, BTW, you do not share this information with her. If you have to walk away from her spewing some night.......you will not tell her anything about where you fe going, when or if you will return......NOTHING. As long as she has a phone and can call in case of an emergency....that's enough. The only thing you would need to say is, "Don't try to call me, unless there is an emergency with one of the kids".......the. You close the door behind you. Do you follow what I'm saying here? You need a safe place she knows nothing about.

We can't see into your house and don't know all the surrounding circumstances and details. That's another reason I said it is better for you to figure out what consequences are most effective. However, I will tell you if they are weak. So, figure out what you'll do, ahead of stating it. Share it on the board, to see if it shows male strength, or something else.

My mum and dad have said I can stay there any time I need to, but she will know that is a safe harbour, so the other option is either my brothers or sisters. I know if I reach out to them, and explain why I would need it, they would let me stay there without her knowing where I am.

As I am GALing I told her I was going out, and she asked me "are you out every night?" and I replied "I don't know yet" last night she asked me if I was going out and I said I wasn't, she then disappeared upstairs and came down 20 minutes later dressed up and ready to go out, she then went out with him and I didn't ask her where she was going, I asked her what time she would be back and she said she wouldn't be too late, bear in mind I am out the door at 6.30am, she rolled in at 12:45am, and I told her "I am really angry with you, you said you wouldn't be too late and coming in at this time is too late, especially on a weeknight, I will not accpet this behaviour and if you do it again I will lock the door and yiu can find somewhere else to spend the night" I didn't give her time to respond and walked away. She is playing me like a fiddle....

So that leads me to wonder if you ever really show hou are really mad at your W's treatment? How does she know if you are mad? Do you sulk? Do you get quiet and stay off to yourself? Do you initiate or approach her with a talk, where you tell her your feelings? If these are any of your reactions to her disrespectful behavior.........it's not effective in changing what she does. It does not make her back up and shut her nasty mouth. It does not show her that you will not be verbally disrespected. So, she continues.

In the past I did express myself by getting angry, and whilst I don't want to get angry anymore, I do need to think of how I can express how angry I am, this is a WW who blames me for EVERYTHING wrong in the MR and she has cited my anger as one of those reasons. I think therefore I just need to tell her very clearly- without anger, say my piece and then walk away from her. I need to adopt a more stoic response when expressing my anger.

May I suggest a few goals for this week?

1. No explaining your actions to your WW. You are a man! She is not your mother! You do not have to answer or give an account of yourself. She is the wayward spouse.....not you. If she accuses, blames, tries to play the victim, or whatever makes you feel you want to explain how it really is......don't say anything. Just give her a look that says, "Really!" or turn around and leave, but don't explain. Just let her think whatever she chooses, b/c you'll learn it really does not get you anywhere with a WW to always be explaining yourself.

2. No discussions about any topic in this post I have covered. (That saves me from rewriting it). wink

3. Figure out where you could stay overnight, without having to explain to a third party your reasons for staying there.......should the occasion arise that you need to stay away from your WW overnight for several hours or overnight.

What do you think? Can you work on these three things this week?

Yes- after last night I was so tempted to ask her about the affair- but it would have served no purpose I cannot control a WW. I will not explain or try to rationalise her waywardness, but I will not allow her to shout or disrespect me again and in terms of a response- I am still not 100% because when I have left the house the Children get really emotional as the W says something to them like "Daddy's leaving us again" which I think is really cruel on them, if I tried to remove them from the situation and take them with me, she would threaten to call the Police on me like she did last time. If it happens when the Children are not there- it is simple- I will tell her and then leave the house- but as described above what to do when the Children are there is a real catch 22.