Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Gordie]

Sandi2 also had some interesting comments about full, open mouthed kissing. I think my w stopped doing that 5+ years ago. We kept having sex but without kissing. Sandi2 said that is a red flag that your w is not that into you and is just using you for sex. Wow, I had never heard that theory before.

Mach1,

So yes. I think I am supposed to be learning and growing from all of this. As many of the vets here have told me, you will save yourself even if you don’t save your M. Looking back, I had some real deficiencies as a H and a father. I think I spent the first year or more beating myself up for what I did and blaming myself for everything. Yes, I made immediate 180s in external behavior but it’s taken much longer for the internship shifts to happen.

I have only recently started to delve into forgiving myself. The truth is I didn’t even know what that meant. And of course, if I can’t forgive myself, then I’m probably just not very good at giving or receiving forgiveness with anyone.

Another related truth is that I have am judgmental. I judge myself harshly. I judge others harshly. It’s not a good way to live. There’s a reason why there’s a commandment that we shouldn’t judge.

So yes, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to be more forgiving as a way of life. How to be less judgmental. We really have no idea what others are going through in their journeys, the demons they face and the obstacles they have to overcome.

Ginger,

Sometimes I think you have x ray vision into my soul. I think you know that I think it’s wrong for me to walk away. No matter how much **** comes my way, I am committed to trying to weather this storm. So yes, I do feel for me at this stage it would be weak of me to walk away. Do I feel my w has tried like **** to push me away? Yes, but I’m still here.

Is there a point where it would take a lot of strength to do the opposite? Yes, but I’m not there yet.