Hi guys new here to share my story and hopefully get some good advice from the ones who have been in my shoes. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. Daughter age 3. We had our first split back in May 2011, she was not happy that we were falling into a routine, we wouldn't go out and i lacked the ability for giving her detailed stuff such as flowers and cards. She has always been one to celebrate special occasions and plan an outing or even something nice at home. This split went on for 6 months and we eventually reconciled. We began counseling but it was more of a multiple couples counseling and we stopped attending, did not look elsewhere either. Got pregnant almost immediately after this reconnect.
Fast forward to October 2016, wife drops the I love you but not in love with you. She was disappointed that I would not spend time at home and work too much, my reasoning was to make up for income that she was not earning anymore as she was a stay at home mother. I begged and pleaded her not to end things, was giving her some space and at the same time changed my ways. I started being more active in the baby's life, we would go out more as a family and i would not prioritize work. Things began to get good again, so it seemed. We went on an anniversary trip in Feb 2017 and a family vacation for our daughters birthday in September. All things seemed to be better, we didn't have as much intimacy as i would like but i put it off as it being due to both of us working and having a child would not always allow for it. She dropped this last bomb on me on FEb 28,2018. Said she loves me but not in love with me, she tried to make it work for a long time but she has not been happy since October 2016.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She’s moving out on the 15th. I have already gave her half of the savings as she needed the money to move out. I always managed finances. We have discussed our responsibilities with our child. She has told me she does not care to divorce. Already ordered DR and hoping to make this marriage work. Any help is greatly appreciated
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
It really took her a long time drop the bad news to you. I mean, she has been mulling about it since 2016. The best approach maybe is to court your wife again. Make her feel like she's going out on dates and make her feel special.
TacoEd, any chance of an EA or PA? In my experience most people do not move on until they have someone in the wings. For me and what I've read, moving out is the number one sign of their being someone else.
The other red flag to me is the "does not care to divorce". Seems like she is keeping you as Plan B.
Good luck my friend, post often. It helps.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It really took her a long time drop the bad news to you. I mean, she has been mulling about it since 2016. The best approach maybe is to court your wife again. Make her feel like she's going out on dates and make her feel special.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
TacoEd, i am going to parrot what Steve85 said... i wonder if there is OM in the wings... and i would say perhaps since Oct. 2016...
things were running more smoothly but little intimacy... and then BD last month... and then her not caring to divorce... that leaves you in a life of limbo... that's really not fair to you... but she is probably thinking because you want the marriage, that you would be content with that...
Fast forward to October 2016, wife drops the I love you but not in love with you. She was disappointed that I would not spend time at home and work too much, my reasoning was to make up for income that she was not earning anymore as she was a stay at home mother. I begged and pleaded her not to end things, was giving her some space and at the same time changed my ways. I started being more active in the baby's life, we would go out more as a family and i would not prioritize work. Things began to get good again, so it seemed. We went on an anniversary trip in Feb 2017 and a family vacation for our daughters birthday in September. All things seemed to be better, we didn't have as much intimacy as i would like but i put it off as it being due to both of us working and having a child would not always allow for it. She dropped this last bomb on me on FEb 28,2018. Said she loves me but not in love with me, she tried to make it work for a long time but she has not been happy since October 2016.
Hello and welcome to the forums! Just to echo what Steve and Artista said, chances of an affair are quite high. It's pretty common for a WAS to make their spouse Plan B (IE, doesn't want to get divorced, but doesn't want to live with you either) while they pursue the A and try to decide how serious they want to get with the affair partner. Have you read DR yet? If not get it and read it over and over again, it's your roadmap and our advice here dovetails with it.
Based on the above paragraph your W is a full-blown, two-feet-out-the-door WAS. DO NOT try to pursue her, it'll just make you look desperate and needy (VERY unattractive). Work on yourself. Settle in, this is a marathon. Good luck!
The idea of there being another has crossed my mind, but there is no way for me to validate this. I would like to know fully what is going on with her, but i am well aware that a WAS will not openly admit to an affair.
I don't plan on trying to court/date her as that's not something she is looking for nor do i think this is beneficial.
At first i tried and pleaded her to rethink this through, that we have a family and that we have so much history together. I have much fault at this, but i can fully take all the blame. From some point on she stopped trying herself.
I do feel like I'm in limbo land. If there was or is an affair there is no way i could go through with R. This is just something i could never forget, thus never forgive.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
