I´ve been offline for a while and have tried to figure out what have happened and make things straight in my head. Last couple of weeks after I found out my wife had an EA&PA have been the most emotional time for me in my life. I have allowed myself to grief and feel empty. I´ve cried a lot and it has helped. I have also been able to stop my obsessive thoughts about dirty details of my wife´s affair so the pictures don´t haunt me so much anymore despite the huge pain is still there.
I´m journaling a bit now, since I have a lot on my mind.
W ended the affair and said to the OM that she will not be in contact with him while we are figuring our things out. It was not so final that I hoped for - obviously she has feelings for him... But she has been open about the message that the OM sent to her but where she did not reply to. Sure, I know that she can lie. I know that since we are separated, she even could visit him if she wants and I would not know. But I made a decision to trust her now. I cannot control her each step - it would make me grazy.
My attitude towards my wife is now as if we just met. I don´t judge, control or expect too much (which is hardest part for me). I am open and share my feelings, and why, I will explain later. We will go to the counceling together once a week, and talk and have lunches together weekly.
There has now been two emotional focused conceling sessions after I found out the PA. Oh boy, they are amazing! We got immidiately to the levels, we never been in our marriage. We both have cried and felt unexperienced connection. This approach is totally different of what I´ve used to before.
I have learned to understand more of my wife´s feelings toward me. My wife cried at the session and revealed that she never felt that I thought she would be good enough for me. She cried that she had tried to open up and offer herself for me, but was constantly rejected. How she felt that I was not interested in her thoughts or feelings. This was not particulary new info, but this was different: when I listened and expressed my feelings of sorry that she felt that way in our marriage, she told that for the first time she felt I really meant it - that her feelings mattered something for me. Revolution, but a late one. I also got to say for the first time(!?) that I was longing for her acceptance - the "being proud of me" -look in her eyes that I never got. That everything I did (actions), I did in trying to earn her appreciation. She expressed that she never knew that I was interested in having her appreciation - that I have been so confident, independent and secure, that she did not think I would need it from her, or would be interested in having that from her. That I already got so much admiration from the others, that she did not want to boost that anymore. She explained that how bad she felt all the time when I was out travelling with work and having company parties and picturing all these ladies trying to pick me up that eventually she just needed to amortize these feelings of jealousy - forget me.
Then I realized that my detachment that I practiced for 3-4 months now has pushed her even further away from me. She experienced that how she felt I was as cold and distant as I was in our marriage. That I was not emotionally interested in her or accepting her, I just wanted to have her back because I decided so. For the kids, for the security etc. but not because of her... So now, knowing that many of you here don´t maybe agree, but I decided as my last option to do 180 in that. I decided to be open of my feelings, share my inner world with her and open my heart - even if it would mean telling about longing for her. She never felt I needed her, so even if it would backfire me, I want to be honest and make her feel special and that she is perfect just the way she is. So even if it backfires, I don´t need to think later that I never gave her the feeling she was special.
It is so obvious that she wants to be admired. When we have had conversations after revealing PA, it has came in to my knowledge that she had feelings also towards another guy she briefly met back in September - only two times. And he was not even her type, but he made my wife feel secure. She said she never felt secure with me, because I was "expecting perfection" and was judgemental if I was not pleased in something. So she clearly is longing for acceptance and when she gets it, she falls to almost any guy (?!). I feel so bad that I never made her feel that special one... So now when I have opened my heart to her, everything hurts so much more. I´m thinking about my W texting with other guy, thinking of him etc. And the fact that she don´t know if she wants to spend her life with me is hurting the most. I can now understand how important detaching is in to be able to heal and move on. But I rather take this pain now for few more months and look to the end to see if there was anything left for us. I made decision to be fully committed on my side to be open and to fully get to the deep emotional levels in the councelling to see if that works (if no OM in picture). We have sessions booked until midsummer and if there is not any progress, then it´s time to evaluate if it works or not. If not, I will start detaching and move on. Still not closing the door from the wife, but also keeping my eyes open for other possibilities life will bring. I have had heavy GAL going on already for 6 months including gym 5-7 times/week, rekindeling my old friendships, proactively talking with people etc, and that will continue.
Funny little add-on: my wife told to me yesterday how she feels that she´s been living in some kind of "fog" for the past two years (the time she has been wanting to go), but that now it feels that it´s becoming clearer. I don´t know, maybe it´s quoted from a "WW manual", but hopefully this is the case. I´m also more than aware, that everything my wife is saying or doing should not be believed at the moment, but the decisions I made was made for myself. To be able to think that "hey, at least you tried everything. No regrets. Be proud of yourself even if it hurts for a while"
