Last evening was again kind of hectic, and when we first sat down on the couch together, W had some "business" to take care of (balancing the checkbook, etc.). Actually, as she sat down with me, she took pains to let me know that she is planning to continue reading the book, and she was apologetic, but she feels she's "getting behind" on some important things, which was why she was "dealing with business" first. So it was about 10:00 before we got any "us" time, but once again there were some real nice snuggles on the couch, and right before we decided to head for bed, the emotional connection was building nicely. She was responding to my cuddles in a way I haven't seen in way too long. Unfortunately, she is once again (or still) being bothered by allergies, to the point where she is coughing quite regularly and she's even becoming hoarse. Still, as we said goodnight, there were some more lovely moments of kissing and continuing to build that emotional connection. I'm working on slowing things right down so I can feel her, and that is a very pleasant process.
Another neat thing that happened last evening. As we were getting supper ready, at one point all of us were in the kitchen, and DD20 said something - I can't remember what, I think it had something to do with something she had done, or something she was proud of. At any rate, for some reason I registered a "huggable" moment, and I acted on it. Now, I could have said something like "Good for you!", and left it at that, and that would have been very much in character for me, but instead I did something very unlike "me", and much more like DD20... I just looked at DD20 and said, "Hug!", and she moved in and hugged me - we hugged each other, but she was hugging me more, I think, and it went way beyond 4-mississippi. It was a REALLY nice moment. I simply hugged her and let her hug me, and waited to see if (when) she would "signal" that the hug was over. When she did, I found that I also felt that was the perfect length for it as well. I have NO idea how many moments like this I've missed out on over the years, but I've made a new resolution to watch for this in the future and not pass them by. Time is too short, especially with our kids, she's already 20, and I know I've given her FAR less hugging and affection than she would really like from me.
That gave me another thought. Schnarch says that we emerge from our family of origin at about the highest level of differentiation that our parents and grandparents were able to achieve. This is why certain personality and intimacy traits seem to transcend generations. What a wonderful gift W and I could give our children if we were able to dramatically increase our differentiation level before they leave home! Especially since that would put them way ahead of where their grandparents were (are). That would perhaps be the best thing we could do for them, since it would give them a much better chance of a lasting, loving relationship.
One thing W said last night as we were having our wonderful good-night kissy time... she said that since I've shaved off my beard, kissing me is like kissing a baby's bottom. (!) I have no idea how many babys' bottoms she's had occasion to kiss (man, I wish I'd thought to say THAT last night... lol!) but I did say I hoped it didn't mean it was sh!tty...
This morning I switched to shaving with a blade, as I wasn't happy with the job my electric shaver was doing. When I was done, I went into the kitchen and said "If you thought my face was like a baby's bottom last night, check this out - I think by comparison it was like a porcupine last night..." and I snuggled up to her cheek with mine. She allowed as how it was "pretty soft" now, and she also remarked that my hands were soft as well...
Thats great tim. I especially like what you said about the hug. I've been paying attention to it too. What's funny is that my D5 will sometimes call me back into her room at night for 1 more hug. I used to "reject" it because I assumed that she was being excessively needy and needs to learn to soothe herself but after reading Gottman, I've learned not to do that. I now go back in and give her a hug and I can consistently count 8 mississippi before she lets go. It makes me wonder if she still has the infant pattern.
OMG!!! THAT'S IT!!! Sorry tim for doing this on your thread but I just correlated a behavior my parents did to me...they rejected physical attention despite me asking for it. They would even say, "stop being a baby". I just realized that I was passing down a legacy that might cause our D5 to end up here in 30 years chatting with honeypot's kids.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: I just realized that I was passing down a legacy that might cause our D5 to end up here in 30 years chatting with honeypot's kids.
LOL! Now THERE'S an image! Don't apologize, Dave, an epiphany is an epiphany. It was very much on-topic. Insight is a great thing. My own father was emotionally distant, and (in my early years) also physically distant - he was often gone on business trips. We also moved around a lot, which made it hard for me to form friendships. As soon as I'd get close to other kids my age, we'd move, and I was back to square one. I eventually gave up. I also tended to be a loner, and very much out-of-step with current fashions and trends, especially in my teen years. I shielded myself by effectively "doing my own thing" without regard for what others thought. At the time, I felt I was "being my own person", but now I think I was just keeping to myself out of fear of rejection. It's been pretty much a life-long pattern for me, and I'm sure it's had a huge effect on my marriage these past 20 years. Time for "healing the past in the present"...
Oh FREAK NO, Dave, I will not let that happen! My girls are going to be happily married to HD men and getting it on every day. They will have their hot tamale mother as an example of what a wife acts like and they will have their (more reserved) dad who adores the aforementioned hot tamale and keeps a smile on her face.
I will not rest until that is what we model for them every day. You know, we DO have a pretty good sex life for old married folk with little kids...it's just that it's a little lacking in the passion department and that is what I intend to work on. Aw crap, maybe they will be here chatting after all... They will be board royalty, I'm sure, because of the longevity and legacy of their parents.
NONONONONONONONO. Not gonna happen. Dave, you know I love ya but the buck is stopping with Honey Sr.
Update: It's been a crazy couple of days, so nothing much happening. Thursday night S18 had a Spring Formal to go to, and W and I had choir practice. The formal was in the next city over, about a 40-minute drive each way, and started at 7:00 (theoretically) - choir practice started at 8:00. So we drove S18 and his GF to the formal, came back for choir practice (which we were only about 10 min. late for), then about 40 min break at home after practice only to go back to pick up S18 and GF at 11:00, and bring them home. The only saving grace was we managed to get gasoline at 75.9 cents/litre just before it jumped to 84.9 cents/litre. I filled the tank. Then Friday I had an all-day session at work... "team-building", using stuff from a company called Thomas International. Some of you may have heard of them (particularly SD). The scary part was we did a Personality Profile, (DISC - Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Compliance). I was WAY high on Dominance, and low on the others, in stark contrast to most others on the team, save my boss and my boss' boss. I felt unmasked, and had a hard time feeling comfortable a lot of the day. On the good side, though, this exercise gave me a LOT of material for self-examination and self-confrontation. It should help me increase my differentiation.
I was hoping last night would be a nice relaxing time that might lead somewhere, but no, there were still kids to bring places, and W informed me at one point that she's still having trouble with itchiness - she said she needs to get some Vagisil. However, both nights there was some really nice, loving kissy-face at bedtime, so we'll see.
This morning was busy, with month-end stuff, then a funeral to play guitar for (the husband of one of our choir members), then S12's first softball game of the year. And I just got back from having MY first in-car with S18. Whew!! It's been an eventful couple of days. Hopefully I'll have something better to report by the end of the weekend...
Quote: Hopefully I'll have something better to report by the end of the weekend...
Still waiting for her blasted allergies to subside - at night she gets the "coughs" pretty bad - kissing isn't all that easy, and I risk getting coughed-at in the face. Seems worth the price, though, and we continue to have nice cuddly-times and increasingly warm kissin' and cuddlin' at bedtime. Still building the emotional connection, even tho sex itself doesn't seem possible just now. This would've been INTENSELY frustrating for me before PM, but I'm just taking it one day at a time, and not taking anything personally. I know she can't control her allergies, and I truly feel sorry for her when I see her suffering. The kissing and cuddling she gives me aren't "crumbs", they're gifts, and I'm receiving them gladly and with great reverence. I feel truly loved by her these days, and it's simply because I'm learning to listen. That love was there before, but I wasn't tapping into it. When her allergies subside, I'm really hoping we can take this emotional connection and use it to really explore our love for one another.
Even though I'm not using frequency as a success measurement anymore, I decided to do a bit of checking just to see where I've been and where I'm at now. I looked back at my old threads, and I was amazed at the difference in how I feel now. I also discovered that whereas W and I ML once between Jan. and Mar., and once in Mar. (early Mar.), in April we had 3 ML experiences in a two-week period, and there's been a LOT of cuddling and cozy times as well... a LOT more than we've had in a LONG time. Progress is definitely happening!!!
Hey Tim. My W had horrible allergies this time of year and was miserable to listen to, look at, and be with. And I mean that in the sense that, to look at her, you knew she was suffering, and you felt powerless to help her.
She was taking Allegra, and, although it had worked the first couple of years taking it, it seemed to have lost its effectiveness. Toward the middle of the allergy season, she started taking Zyrtec, and it was like a new W. This year, on Zyrtec, no allergy symptoms to speak of.
I know you Canucks with your socialized medicine may not be able to choose your medication, but I would highly recommend it.
Hairdog, who vaguely remembers that sensation of being "inside" during a particularly deep cough....WOW!
Assuming it's over-the-counter, I'll recommend it to her. Even if it's a prescription, we can often just ask the doctor for a particular med. We'll give it a try, although she seems to be getting better...
This is going to sound silly, but if your wife takes one tsp. of locally grown honey a day, it will help her build her immune system up against allergies. It's almost like taking allery shots, but it tastes more yummy.
It has to be locally grown, though. Can't be the processed stuff from the store.
Just a little FYI there for you... (of course, if she's allergic to honey, don't go that route).
