Not sure what to do. . .can anyone help?

[sandi2]

I'm so glad to see what you've posted. Frankly, I did not know if you would come back. Since you've been doing your research online, I am much more hopeful that you are going to be fine.....with or without your W.

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If you have decided you don't want to know what is going on between your W and OM, that's your choice. Currently, she is lying to you, and I think you know she is.....but you don't know what to do about it. You keep saying you can't control her, but don't use it as an excuse to be completely powerless.

What can I do? We are still under the same roof- albeit in separate rooms-

As you you study more about the NGS and see it in your responses/interactions with your WW, or if we point something out that you don't see.....you will begin to see for yourself the ways you need to change. It is easy for me to suggest something, but it's more important that you see it yourself. Some men want us to tell them every little move to make, but those men are not digging and reading for themselves.

One thing we might consider adjusting, is if you state a boundary to her.......maybe you should not state the consequences. Let her wonder, wait, and see what you will do about it if she doesn't honor it. In the meantime, we can discuss a better way to help you develop a stronger stance. B/c if you don't feel it in your gut, you won't carry out a strong consequence to her not honoring your boundaries.

As your children grow up, you need to teach them about boundaries, too. How to respect boundaries, as weel as how to have their own personal ones. If they are not given boundaries from the parents, the kids are usually roudy and rebellious. In many ways, a WW is like a disrespectful, rebellious child who never was made to respect boundaries. Maybe she this was the case when you first M her, IDK. If she was, it makes things more challenging for you, but it is still possible to set this MR on the right course. The Captain just needs to take the wheel.

You have to realize and see her manipulation in how she works you like a puppet. I think you are already opening your eyes. We will discuss how to manage these situations.

IMHO, as you recognize your nice-guy tendencies in the interactions with your W, and begin learning how to think and act differently/healthier......you will begin changing little things that will make a lot of difference in you recapturing your b@lls. .

By starting from scratch again, I will stop talking- I am a natural talker and I will find this difficult- but I need to do this for my own sanity.

By "talking", I mean that is how you see the solution to working through the problems. I fully understand, b/c that was always my go to method. But it did not work in my MR. I had to learn that me talking had no influence on my H's actions. He responded to my actions. So will your W.

I don't know if you experienced bullying when you were a boy, but your W is bullying you, now. She screams and yells in front of the kids, and she belittles you. I suspect she threatens if you don't do such & such then she'll do whatever. It's basically the same thing a playground bully does to someone they see being weaker or afraid. Maybe she shouts order, etc., IDK. But, this behavior must stop! I just wonder, does she have most of the say about disciplining the kids? If you don't have much influence with her, she is not going to allow you to have a hand in how the children are are disciplined, either.

Anyway, back to how to respond to her verbal disrespect and bullying methods. I feel you leaving the room will have no impact, and she'll repeat the same action next time. So, what can you do? Perhaps a better question is.....what will you do? To be honest, it is a waste of time for any of us to make suggestions if you know you won't carry it out.

While reading your posts I see you making excuses. I don't mean that as an insult. I'm not sure that you even see what you are doing. I think she has done a brain washing you about the breast-feeding and allowing the child to remain in the MBR. Perhaps she has caused you to see her as helpless......but she isn't. She is no victim!

Living under the same roof is no excuse to accept bad treatment. If anything, you have more pull b/c of living under the same roof. Listen, I want to offer a thought. Is there anywhere you could keep spend the night, if you needed to be out/gone all night? I don't mean pay for a motel room, but just somewhere you could stay overnight? Like, some men have been known to sleep over in their office. That's simply an example. You need to think of somewhere you could stay overnight, in case you need to leave her standing alone in her spew. And, BTW, you do not share this information with her. If you have to walk away from her spewing some night.......you will not tell her anything about where you fe going, when or if you will return......NOTHING. As long as she has a phone and can call in case of an emergency....that's enough. The only thing you would need to say is, "Don't try to call me, unless there is an emergency with one of the kids".......the. You close the door behind you. Do you follow what I'm saying here? You need a safe place she knows nothing about.

We can't see into your house and don't know all the surrounding circumstances and details. That's another reason I said it is better for you to figure out what consequences are most effective. However, I will tell you if they are weak. So, figure out what you'll do, ahead of stating it. Share it on the board, to see if it shows male strength, or something else.

What would really make her think twice before she verbally disrespected you in front of your children? As I've suggested previously, if it's in public, I seriously think the H should immediately tell her he will not be disrespected in public, and leave her wherever she is sitting/standing.......to get home by herself. But that's just me. If you live where it would be incredibly dangerous to leave a woman in a public place......then you'll have to think of something else.

In my M, I knew when I had pushed my H too far. Although he would say nothing, and he never threatened violence or such......I knew when he was realy good and mad at me! It always cooled my heels, let me tell ya. I hated for him to be mad at me. So that leads me to wonder if you ever really show hou are really mad at your W's treatment? How does she know if you are mad? Do you sulk? Do you get quiet and stay off to yourself? Do you initiate or approach her with a talk, where you tell her your feelings? If these are any of your reactions to her disrespectful behavior.........it's not effective in changing what she does. It does not make her back up and shut her nasty mouth. It does not show her that you will not be verbally disrespected. So, she continues.

I saw right off that you wanted to "explain" too much to her. You wanted to discuss your boundary and tell what you would do and why. That is not appropriate or necessary when giving a boundary. Your boundaries are not negotiable, and you don't need her agreement or permission. Therefore, learn this.......no discussing a boundary. She does not have to understand it, agree with it, or anything but honor it. If she dishonors it, she will see the consequences. For now, don't discuss the consequences, okay? Do you have any questions about stating a boundary?

By starting from scratch again, I will stop talking- I am a natural talker and I will find this difficult- but I need to do this for my own sanity

.

You can talk to us about the stitch. Don't clam up and think you can't say a word to your W. Just don't use talking as a solution to the problems. Understand what I mean? Don't discuss her affair. Don't discuss her bad behavior. Don't discuss your boundaries. Don't discuss your actions. Stop explaining yourself to your WW.

May I suggest a few goals for this week?

1. No explaining your actions to your WW. You are a man! She is not your mother! You do not have to answer or give an account of yourself. She is the wayward spouse.....not you. If she accuses, blames, tries to play the victim, or whatever makes you feel you want to explain how it really is......don't say anything. Just give her a look that says, "Really!" or turn around and leave, but don't explain. Just let her think whatever she chooses, b/c you'll learn it really does not get you anywhere with a WW to always be explaining yourself.

2. No discussions about any topic in this post I have covered. (That saves me from rewriting it).

3. Figure out where you could stay overnight, without having to explain to a third party your reasons for staying there.......should the occasion arise that you need to stay away from your WW overnight for several hours or overnight.

What do you think? Can you work on these three things this week?