Last evening was again kind of hectic, and when we first sat down on the couch together, W had some "business" to take care of (balancing the checkbook, etc.). Actually, as she sat down with me, she took pains to let me know that she is planning to continue reading the book, and she was apologetic, but she feels she's "getting behind" on some important things, which was why she was "dealing with business" first. So it was about 10:00 before we got any "us" time, but once again there were some real nice snuggles on the couch, and right before we decided to head for bed, the emotional connection was building nicely. She was responding to my cuddles in a way I haven't seen in way too long. Unfortunately, she is once again (or still) being bothered by allergies, to the point where she is coughing quite regularly and she's even becoming hoarse. Still, as we said goodnight, there were some more lovely moments of kissing and continuing to build that emotional connection. I'm working on slowing things right down so I can feel her, and that is a very pleasant process.
Another neat thing that happened last evening. As we were getting supper ready, at one point all of us were in the kitchen, and DD20 said something - I can't remember what, I think it had something to do with something she had done, or something she was proud of. At any rate, for some reason I registered a "huggable" moment, and I acted on it. Now, I could have said something like "Good for you!", and left it at that, and that would have been very much in character for me, but instead I did something very unlike "me", and much more like DD20... I just looked at DD20 and said, "Hug!", and she moved in and hugged me - we hugged each other, but she was hugging me more, I think, and it went way beyond 4-mississippi. It was a REALLY nice moment. I simply hugged her and let her hug me, and waited to see if (when) she would "signal" that the hug was over. When she did, I found that I also felt that was the perfect length for it as well. I have NO idea how many moments like this I've missed out on over the years, but I've made a new resolution to watch for this in the future and not pass them by. Time is too short, especially with our kids, she's already 20, and I know I've given her FAR less hugging and affection than she would really like from me.
That gave me another thought. Schnarch says that we emerge from our family of origin at about the highest level of differentiation that our parents and grandparents were able to achieve. This is why certain personality and intimacy traits seem to transcend generations. What a wonderful gift W and I could give our children if we were able to dramatically increase our differentiation level before they leave home! Especially since that would put them way ahead of where their grandparents were (are). That would perhaps be the best thing we could do for them, since it would give them a much better chance of a lasting, loving relationship.
