I’ve started to reply to this twice, but I wanted to wait until I was at a keyboard, as I do not enjoy typing long posts on my iPad. Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts on my question/delema, I had thought about the general responses you all posted, but found the explanations thought provoking.
When I first thought about it, my immediate response was very similar to those who hold it as an absolute No (understandably), that I don’t want to go through that again so it was a deal breaker for me. But then I realized that when I thought about it, I only considered my situation, or more specifically my ex. I watched a great mom, a person who thought about others (more than she should have) over herself, turn into a person who only cared about herself. So, no, if I met someone who had ended their M after having an A, who “also” displayed selfish characteristics, then it would without question be a no go.
Then I thought about the way that I had fallen fast and hard for a M woman at work a few months after BD. (For those that don’t know my story, I didn’t know she was M when I fell for her, I didn’t find out until I was smitten, and I stopped talking to her very shortly after. Also, nothing happened except for conversation and the occasional innuendo.) I experienced firsthand how quickly you can fall for someone who fills an emotional need.
I also thought about those on this board who were once wayward, but who I feel are the least likely in society to ever do it again. With experience can come knowledge and understanding, if you choose to learn about yourself, learn about the dynamics of what caused the experience, and learn prevention methods to keep it from happening again. I think someone who has that knowledge and commitment would be a better long-term partner than someone who just never happened to find them in that situation. As Doodler said, we’ve all done things we shouldn’t have done and ashamed of, I think what’s important is what was learned from it. Oh, and I also agree doodler that most likely the only way I would find out is if they told me, but if they didn’t tell me and I found out then I would run. I do not plan on being with anyone that ever-got D without discussing why the M failed. I want someone who has some understanding of the dynamics of relationships, and discussing why previous R failed is an easy way to figure out if they do.
I am leaning to it not being a “deal breaker” with conditions. It would require conversations, not about the specifics but the reasons, and me being convinced that she had learned from it. If she had an A, and her only reasoning was “he…..”, then I’m out. But if she can explain the underlying conditions of why she did it, she shows some understanding of R dynamics and how to recognize warning signs of a R being susceptible to it, then it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. It likely would cause me to take it slower, date longer before really starting a R, but I am not going to just delete that portion of the dating pool from possibility.
This weekend was supposed to be the paint party that I was hoping to get to spend some time talking with gg, but one of the girls (the attractive but way to young; more on that in a minute) in our group was performing in a jazz concert. We decided to cancel the paint party and go see her performance. When I pulled into the parking lot, I drove past all the cars that were parked (and a lot of empty spots) to park at the very end of the aisle. I have a very big truck that fills up parking spots, so I never park near other cars to try and prevent door dings (it’s funny, I drive it through the woods and don’t worry about branches and other things hitting it, but I hate the idea of someone hitting my truck with their car). So anyway, I get out of the truck and start walking towards the building and seeing a lady walking towards me, when I get closer I realized it was gg. It really made me feel good that she recognized my truck and instead of just going in and seeing me there, she went out of her way to come meet me.
We ended up sitting separately when we got inside, I sat next to one of the other guys who is the comedian of the group. During intermission and right after the show we all hung out outside talking, I didn’t get to have a one on one with gg (I think I might be getting CB by a couple of the girls who like me), but I was enjoying myself so I just went with it.
Shortly after the show ended, gg asked if I was going to game night, I told her I wasn’t and that I was going out with everyone for drinks and appetizers. She knew that everyone was going out afterwards, but wanted to go to game night, which I am fine with although it is unfortunate that once again we didn’t get to spend more time talking. The next day I decided to text her and we chatted back and forth for a little while, she told me that she recently joined a rugby team which completely shocked me (she is a petite blonde), I replied that she surprises me, that I was intrigued and look forward to getting to know her better.
And silence…… We both were obviously doing other things while we were texting (I was packing stuff up for the move), there were often delays between responses. But after I sent that text, my focus kind of went to what her response would be, and while most of the pauses between texts had been 5 -10 minutes, this delay was closer to 40 minutes. She eventually responded asking if I was going to the bar crawl Saturday for St. Patty’s day. I responded that I might have to go out of town that weekend so I won’t know for sure until Friday.
Now while I do find myself “noticing” these minute details (much longer delay after telling her I want to know her better), my old self would spend time trying to figure out what it meant; but while I do wonder about it, I don’t find myself to concerned about what it means. It is important to me that I remain lovingly detached, that when I do start dating or have a R, that I keep a lot of focus “me”. Like everything, I believe that it will be easier as I do it more, I recognize my natural inclination of “wondering”, so it is a small accomplishment when I am able to recognize that and move my focus elsewhere.
Ok, I have more I want to say, but I think I’d better get back to work. Hope everyone had a great weekend. _________________________ M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
