I am writing to obtain an opinion from those of you who know situations like mine and would be willing to share their wisdom.
I'm a mid-30s husband whose wife would like to get a divorce. We have four kids, 2-8 years old. We had struggled throughout 2016 with various conflicts (indeed throughout the 12 years we've been married), none of which seem very difficult to me to resolve. Our difficulties lay in control, anger and communication, primarily defensiveness. In November of 2016 I had a mental health crisis, and she saw a counselor who seeded the idea in her mind that a divorce was an option. That month we stopped sleeping in the same house. Since that time we continue to share living space during the day and typically see each other on an average day. We alternate nights in the house so that the kids stay in the same house. During the mental health crisis (caused by lithium toxicity) I said some things that hurt her, and this was the catalyst for our separation. Since December 2016 she has maintained that our relationship is not repairable. I have worked on myself and am a very, very different person than I was 18 months ago.
She believes that marriage is a social construct rather than a "for better or for worse" and faithfulness in marriage is decided by the individuals rather than by a moral standard. She had a strong emotional relationship (possibly physical) with someone in the summer, and for the last few months has been involved (living with) with another person. In January we had an argument after which she said she could not continue the marriage.
The combination of the following reasons makes the prospect of holding on to the marriage and letting her ride out her mid life crisis very difficult to fathom:
1. She is deceitful, and frequently tells minor lies, and has told a number of major lies. 2. She manipulates me. 3. Last year she took out $8K in debt in my name, and used our emergency fund to purchase a motorcycle, without my knowledge or consent. 4. She is irresponsible with her finances (overdraft, excessive debt), making large purchases that affect her ability to pay other obligations (day care). 5. She acts entitled. She has been sleeping with the man every night for the last week, and this morning walked in the house and asked if I had bought ground coffee for her. 6. She does not carry her load with the children. I do everything for them: homework, dressing them, laundry (90%), making lunches, making my daughter's hair, taking them to school, cooking meals, teaching/training them. I force the children to sit down and eat a proper meal, but on evenings when I come home after supper, she lets the kids snack instead of feeding them a proper supper. This has been more or less happening for two years, but has gradually gotten worse. 7. When she's home, she's on her phone or computer instead of spending time with the kids. When I'm not around she dumps the kids in bed without their normal bedtime routine. 8. She doesn't keep commitments or promises. 9. When she makes mistakes she blames me or other people.
I've let her go and hold nothing she has done to me against her although I am angry about her neglect of the children. We are friendly. We've had perhaps 6 arguments in the last year. I literally have let go of her in every way. Since last summer I have stopped trying to control or influence her in any way. I say absolutely nothing about the lies, debt, entitlement, irresponsibility with the kids. My family says I'm enabling her behavior. I feel like I'm the "friend guy" from the divorcebusting.com testimonials.
If I set boundaries, she blows right through them. I've had to pay the day care recently. She was supposed to watch the kids one evening so I could go to a very important party, and I had given her multiple reminders. Instead she made plans and hired a babysitter neither of us know. She borrows money from me frequently (half the time repays) despite having a fair salary. If I ask her to help with my daughter's hair in the mornings, she agrees, but does it one morning, then stops doing the following day. These are just a few examples.
Mentally and physically I cannot continue carrying the load I've been carrying for the last 15 months. While it would be difficult to parent alone, when she's around it's like having another kid in the house and it's very stressful. I feel like divorce would set firm boundaries that she would be legally obligated to keep.
She is going to school for law enforcement and has her sights set on a master's degree. It appears that her life has a trajectory that doesn't include me, or the family. I feeling like there isn't much hope for the relationship in the short term and we have been moving forward with a collaborative divorce. However, having read some of Michelle Weiner-Davis' material I am open to trying to keep the marriage alive.
This is a very long post, but if anyone could provide me with wisdom I would greatly appreciate it.
Should I hang on? If I stall on the divorce, what should I do about the load I'm carrying?
