And relief...I got some commissions and an offer of some work for a couple of weeks in June.
I've been really focussing on drawing work to me using the law of attraction since the start of the year. I've been quite particular about the work that I'm after and the sort of people I want to be working with and for. I'm still very much testing the waters with this, and at the very early stages of it, but it seems to be working so far and I'm hugely relieved at the moment.
I feel like the next stage is that I need to go beyond the sheer relief to finding the joy in it. That's where I want to be. I've a little bit to go though before getting there.
Perhaps gratitude is my answer to this too? Finding gratitude in what's been offered to me so far? Living in the moment while I'm doing it?
And what a wonderful weekend I had with the man I'm now with. It felt very, very relaxed. He took me out for dinner on Saturday evening and we had a very lovely chat. He really opened up about a few things that are important to him, and ways of seeing these things that he's never really considered before, but that I floated to him a while back (and my coincidentally mum mentioned a week or so ago as well).
I really enjoy coming up with ideas, throwing them out to people and seeing which ones they pick up on and gravitate towards. I don't feel particularly bound by the thought of any sort of societal constraints, and like to see where my thoughts and ideas take me.
I don't mean that I would ever transgress someone's own values and boundaries. It's really pretty important to me to honour those. It's more like I'm interested in seeing what thoughts, ideas and possibilities spark a little magic and life (both in myself and others).
Well, I think we started a conversation on Saturday night which is going to unfold over a good, long while and it's going to be a journey of discovery, and self discovery.
I don't think his XW ever saw this side of him, or understood it. From what he says, she was very driven by outward appearances (doing things 'right') and the ambition to better herself and their family financially, materially and socially. I think he found that all a bit suffocating in the end and as a consequence, he ended up finding her quite controlling (right down to very small details).
There's a huge part of him which is very passionate, wild and free (and I absolutely love this part of him). Of course, now that his children are both adults, he has more time and personal space to explore this side of his nature than when they were younger, and they were all still a family unit.
He's giving me the space and time to really own myself, for what feels like the first time ever in my life. I don't feel like I'm overshadowed, or upstaged (albeit willingly upstaged, the way that I was with XH). I feel like I'm able to inhabit my own self and space...
We'll see what happens, but it feels really good. It feels like there is lots of room for both of us to explore, and play and grow, as individuals and together.
It also feels like companionship. And this is a new thing for me, as I don't think I had it in my M. That felt more like we were two individuals, with not much negotiating happening in the middle. There wasn't the softness there is now, with this man. It didn't feel there was anything safe for me to let myself go for, and to let myself fall into in my M. This is all a complete revelation to me.
