Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry I don't get to reply often or comment on many other threads. I am so tired all the time from treatment and I think chemo often interferes with my ability to concentrate on reading more than a paragraph or two at a time.
I guess I have to accept that getting anything out of him is hopeless. It's been hard to wrap my head around the fact that he would do this to me. He basically just walked away, not even bothering to get divorced, and started a whole new life for himself.
It's hard because my future is so uncertain. I know I need to put the focus on myself but I can't even make plans because with my treatment ongoing and the future of my health uncertain, I can't even make plans for the future. I need a job very badly but I can't just go out and start interviewing while I'm in treatment and don't know how much time that will entail. I also have a few more surgeries that will need to be done that can't be done until several months after I finish all chemo and other treatments.
I feel like my life has stalled, and it hurts more to see H's life moving forward without me while I'm stuck and unable to do anything.
If he were doing drugs or something, I could maybe understand better. Before he left, he was definitely dealing with anxiety and depression. He even borrowed some books on depression from me (he never gave them back but I doubt he still has them).
But now he's far away, I never see or hear from him and it's easy to imagine that he is just fine and happy in his new life. I just don't understand why he was still able to talk to me over text or email, and even though he ignored most communication about the divorce, he was still civil and sometimes even nice. In fact, just before I got diagnosed, he even texted with me for about a half hour back and forth telling me something about his new job. And then I got cancer and he texted me once to say he was sorry, and then a month later texted me on my birthday, and then for seemingly no reason he disappeared completely and shut off all avenues of communication.
It's now been over 7 months since he texted me on my birthday and now I don't even know his phone number. Logically, I know that if he was fine and happy, he would be able to ask me how I'm doing and he would be getting the divorce done so he can move on with his new happy life.
I feel like if I didn't have cancer, I could get a new job and move forward and have things going on to keep me from thinking about all of this as much. It really does seem like a cruel twist of face that in the midst of his MLC, I got this horrible illness.
