Not sure what to do. . .can anyone help?

[mbe76]

If you have decided you don't want to know what is going on between your W and OM, that's your choice. Currently, she is lying to you, and I think you know she is.....but you don't know what to do about it. You keep saying you can't control her, but don't use it as an excuse to be completely powerless.

What can I do? We are still under the same roof- albeit in separate rooms-

First of all, you need to forget about depending on guilt to push her into doing the right thing. Do you know of something that is stronger than guilt? How about addiction? How about a hard, cold heart? I could go on & on, but to cut to the chase...........your WW could continue her infidelity for years. I heard of one case that lasted over ten years at the time the H joined the board, and his WW still had not been moved by guilt to do the right thing.

I'll tell you what prevents the WW from experiencing guilt the way you would think she should. Years of resentment that have turn to bitterness.......added to self-justification, and you are looking at a hard-hearted woman. If guilt tries to get through to her, all these other negative feelings jump on the band wagon to remind her why she should grab a chance at a happier life with another man. She has all kind of built-in excuses to feed herself. She will not respond favorably if you continue taking the softer route. The only thing a WW respects is "strength". If she can see a strong male in her H, who will not succumb to her bullying........it could influence her heart. But as long as she gets away with screaming and b'tching and suffers no consequences......her disrespect will continue to climb, and her behavior toward you will get worse.

So as we are still under the same roof, what can i do in terms of consequences? Especially when the children are there. It is tough.

When the WW begins to suffer tough consequences due to her waywardness (especially her rebellious actions, infidelity, disrespect, etc) and her fantasy starts to crumble........her eyes will eventually see her reality. Then........THEN......the guilt hits. But as long as she has the best of both worlds, has her needs met by both H and OM, and she does not have to deal with any unpleasant consequences for her behavior/actions/choices.........who knows how long it might last. And, that is one of the reasons I harp on tough love, b/c as long as the H plays along with her game, or he is too weak to enforce tough boundaries.......she won't have much incentive to change.

I see a lot of signs of nice guy syndrome in you. That's going to be your biggest challenge. If you aren't familiar with that topic, read about it.

I agree.

You are wanting to talk, talk, and talk to her about the relationship, and about your boundaries, and repeat things from the board to her. It has to stop! It is making things much worse. It may be one of the toughest things you've ever done, b/c you want to work out the problems by talking.......but you can't talk her back. Neither can you nice her back. Neither can you guilt her back.

By starting from scratch again, I will stop talking- I am a natural talker and I will find this difficult- but I need to do this for my own sanity.

I'm sorry if you think I am being rude or harsh, but I'll have to take that chance. I am going to be very plain spoken.. Your response to your W's screaming and calling you a bully.....was pathetic. Were you trying to make her feel guilty? Were you wanting her sympathy? Telling her you feel it is unfair, sounds like something a little girl would say. It's not what a grown man says to a woman who is screaming and making accusations. And then you announce that you are walking away. It is weak, weak, weak! If you think she is going to be attracted to that type of male behavior........then you don't know anything about women. And you sure don't understand one who is wayward. Listen, this is one reason she doesn't want to have sex with you. You've killed the attraction by not acting more like a dominant male. She sees you resorting to a feminine type of response, so she takes on more negative male characteristics.

Yes, I have a lot of learning to do, and I accept that, and I appreciate your candour- There are lots of examples where she has had my b***s on a plate over the years, and the power balance has shifted, as she used the "poor me, mother at home" routine- little things by guilt tripping me every time I did anyting without her, like going for a few beers with pals etc.

Don't misunderstand what I am saying. Go online and do a little research about husbands showing male dominance in the marriage relationship. It might help.

I have read through many online resources, and read the "No more mr Nice Guy Book" and yes, it is depressingly accurate. Many of the issues it tackles are totally relateable.

Do you see what you are doing? Making excuses! You want to give her an excuse so you aren't required to stand up to her.

Yes- I am making excuses- because I am still coming to terms with the woman who I thought would never put us in the poition we are in.

You are detaching at the moment??? What the heck does that mean......"at the moment"? Does it mean by meal time Sunday you will be attached again? Or, are you going to pay for everything, then hide in the shadows? You don't have a clue as to what you are doing......do you? You don't know how to set or enforce boundaries, and you sure don't understand what DB detaching is all about. Have you even read the book, or the links on Cadet's page? I'll tell you what to do. You go ahead and celebrate Mother's Day........in fact, show her a grand old time. B/c come Monday, you will need to start over from scratch, and this time.......things need to be a lot different.

Yes- start from scratch is exactly what I need to do- Friday night was a typical weak response- I was going out and she started crying saying how I wanted my single life etc. and she threatened that she would go out with the OM and "I said if you want to do that, that is your choice" I was then walking out the door and she said she would like to talk, and we did, and I fell for it, hook line and sinker. I ended up staying in, I was blinded by what she was telling me- there was a line which didn't feel right and I should have trusted my insticts straightaway- she said "I could love you again" thinking back, it now sounds like a temp check to see if she still "had me". The following day, we went out with the Children and it *seemed* like a good day, but that night her phone pinged again, and I knew she is still lying.

I have read the DB Book, and took the Last Resort online training, implementing it though is tough when as you say, I have the nice guy trying to please everyone without putting my needs first- it is no wonder I have been getting things wrong by trying to hard to "fix" things.

When a H stops interacting with the W like he has a pair of b@lls, then guess how she'll act? The exact way you see in your WW every day! Women will behave more femininely when the men act more masculine.

You are right- I read the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" from cover to cover as soon as I read your reply, and I saw in that a heck of a lot of the man I have allowed myself to become- the constant put downs, and lack of me actually doing things I want to do instead of trying to keep the peace all the time, and failing miserably as my passive-aggressive mood pukes tunred into bitter arguments.