Re-Detaching

[Vanilla]

Every one has their own view of detaching. That's because the experience of it is a body state.

Unlike love which is a choice, detaching has two elements the physical and the emotional.

Detaching physically is easier for some, it's GAL, LRT, NC and no ML. Physical detachment can lead to emotional detachment. This is more or less the same if your other half is wayward or walkaway.

I describe emotional detachment from a wayward as being a water skier following a crazy speed boat, your emotions are tied to a mad driver who is going fast slow and in any direction. In this place you can be a lighthouse, observer with the light on and the path home smonth.

Emotional detachment with a walkaway is to move to a place where you can observe the effect of what you do. You are improving you and some things improve you. Observing yourself is vital, it gives you the terrain. In those circumstances I think a technique called positioning is helpful. In this technique you are you (position 1) and your walkaway (position 2), to consider the walkaway and to understand their state you move to position 2 to observe yourself in their eyes. Do not do this with a wayward, it's very disturbing and could make you ill. Then you can move to position 3, the neutral observer position who observes you in position 1 and the walkaway or wayward in position 2. That is my detachment technique and it is an NLP technique. Using the observer position you can become neutral about an outcome and do the things that work for you. Fine if you R, fine if you don't.

Sandi list are actions not states, although they are the changes you make and then observe what works for you. You put your interests first and observe how you becoming someone only a fool would leave is having an effect. The observer technique (3rd position) works great with 180, is the 180 change working? You know if you observe.

There is also a fourth position, the fly on the wall watching the observer by the door. You can move to fifth position to detach further, that is the spider watching the fly watching the observer watching you and your other half interact.

So in practice how does this work?

Imagine you and your S having an R talk. You have your emotions in position 1, sitting on the sofa worrying about whether the use of her phone is an A. Your S in position 2 is watching you and starts being yuk. You can imagine you are your S and feel their feelings and look at yourself through their eyes. That's position 2 (don't do this if S is wayward). Instead pretend you are an acquaintance standing in the doorway looking at the interaction between you on the couch and your S holding the phone. In position 3 the observer position you can feedback to yourself in position 1. To detatch further pretend you are a cameraman filming the observer watching and note the observers reaction and feed that back.

In my example, you are wrapped up your feelings about the phone, then you can feel how your S the phone. The observer watches the two of you and tells you that interaction wasn't effective for you as your S is getting more protective of their phone and is very very annoyed and that reaction upset you even more. The observer says "stop this interaction, it isn't working". In this way you have detached from your feelings by observing.

It seems harder than it is. To start with I used two chairs and a doorway, I physically moved from my chair to S chair then to the doorway. Today I can do it in my head during any interchange. It moves me to observer and then allows feedback on my own actions. I also use this to rehearse difficult scenarios and detach.

There are times you don't want to detach, that's mindfulness and meditation, like making love, hugging your child, grieving or eating delicious ice cream.

That is how I detach.

V