I see Tim. I forgot yours was from the library. Well done for getting her to read some of it. Amazon.co.uk had no new copies left so I bought a used copy - still waiting though. I'm pretty optimistic this week you'll be glad to hear as are you I notice. I managed to read quite a bit of "His needs, Her needs" in bed last night while W read the paper. She didn't complain about me reading "that stuff" so I guess she's mellowing a bit. There's one thing that is good about having an LDW - it's gives you a big challenge to work towards. SD
What a coincidence.... W and I were talking about PM, fusing, differentiation etc. I then told her I was going to buy her her own copy of PM because of all the underlining and stars I put in mine. She jokingly said..."no, I really want YOURS"...as if to imply an excessive fusing behavior. It was pretty funny. So I'm going to buy another copy, let her read it an mark it up and then we can compare notes. After all, another 18 bucks is not bad for a "timeless" book of life-changing relavance when you consider that a technical book, with a 3 months half-life will set you back $50. I guess the difference is that I can't expense this to my company. I won't hijack your thread, but I'll say my W is being really sweet these days and I've stuck to my guns about 1 practice act of differentiation per day whether it be disclosure and/or testing HOM.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Well done for getting her to read some of it.
I don't feel I "got her to read some of it". I suggested to her that if she wanted to understand the changes I was making and why, that she might want to read it. I asked her to read the Intro and first chapter. She apparently decided I had a point in my suggestion, and impressed me by reading more than I had asked her to. I do plan to ask her to confirm for me her reasons for reading it. If she says she's reading it "because I want her to", I'll ask her to read it for her OWN reasons, not because I want her to. If she doesn't want to read it for HERSELF, and if by reading it she's not acting on her own, then she's reading it for the wrong reasons, and it will work at cross-purposes. If she can't read it because SHE wants to, I'd rather she not read it until she can. That won't change my OWN approach, however...
Quote: You certainly seem to have changed a lot since the old "Only ten more rooms to paint before I'll get a decent sh@gging" Tim we all know and love!
That's rather the point, I think. I have changed a lot, and in only one week. PM changed my outlook completely. I am now in the process of re-coreographing the "dance" between me and W. Hopefully she'll hear the music...
Tim, In "His needs, Her needs" it advises that you should spend much more time at shared activities so you develop similar interests and have more in common and hence more to talk about. This seems at odds with some of the things you have been saying about PM which appears to suggest more independance. Or have I misinterpreted you? SD
I know what you mean about Dr. Harley. I'm not so certain that shared-recreation is necessarily a requirement for all couples. My W told me she's more attracted to me when I have my own life with friends but that I prioritize her and the family into my schedule unlike I behaved in OurMarriage 1.0 where I had my own life and chose my own interests first. I put Dr. Harley into a category with alot of other PhD authors who seem to present logical, sound advice that's not really getting under the hood. My C told me that she sees a lot of authors of self-help material as being like diet gurus offering one more thing to fuel hope only to make you feel terrible when it fails. She says she's a big fan of Schnarch and that comparing him to other authors is like comparing an eating disorder expert to Dr. Atkins. Afterall, if you can fix the problem, then both people in the relationship will feel excited about the ideas in the other books.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
SD - I don't think it's at all necessary to have common interests as such, especially if it has to be forced. I've certainly read enough examples of couples who got along famously but where each had very opposite likes as far as pastimes. In my case, I like to "play with toy airplanes", but W hates anything to do with smelly engines or the noise and smell they make. Well, okay, so we can't share THAT interest. I also enjoy an occasional round of golf, and while it's far more likely that W might also find that enjoyable, I don't expect we'll ever be a regular twosome on the course. But what matters is how fascinating we can find each other, not just through shared activities, but through intimate conversations and being together at home. If we achieve a higher level of differentiation, my desire to "play with toy airplanes" might diminish somewhat, as I'm pretty sure I have (in the past, at least) used it for self-soothing, but I don't expect to give it up entirely. We might, however, find some new things we can do together, and I'm very much in favor of that. So I'm not sure whether I've proven or dis-proven your point... (I tend to ramble..)
My wife and I find that spending time together makes a big difference. For me, if I spend about 5 hours quality time a week with her, I feel a LOT closer to her. Hiking, sailing, even just driving around in the car and talking all qualify.
But we each have our own private hobbies and lives that are quite distinct. In fact, she has a job in the court system in which almost everything she does is extremely confidential, so it's hard to even talk about it.
Quote: My wife and I find that spending time together makes a big difference. For me, if I spend about 5 hours quality time a week with her, I feel a LOT closer to her. Hiking, sailing, even just driving around in the car and talking all qualify.
I had a clarification of thought in the meantime. I think what I was trying to say was that it IS important to spend time together (otherwise why would you be in the R to begin with?), but if you feel you have to BASE your R on "shared interests", then if your tastes or hers change and you don't have as many shared interests, what happens to the R? If the R is, instead, based on mutual interest (in each other) and intimacy, it has a much higher likelihood of enduring...
